Hey guys....

I know that lately, my past behavior has been inappropriate and unacceptable, and I'm really trying to get into that. Problem is, I don't get to visit my counselor often, and the lapses between my visits are uneven. I've been having trouble trying to control my emotions, and that has caused a lot of trouble in the SB. I'm not a bad guy. Just bad at making new friends, and because I'm shy, I'm not much of a talker, making my depression worse when I get rejected or told off. I want to garner attention, but not in the wrong ways, mostly for my depressive state, but mostly for my friendly, outgoing nature. I have suffered a whole lot in the past, as well as dealt with high school life, which is hard and rocky, as I have said many times over, and that mixes badly with not only my life online, but also my life offline. It's also gotten me detained in a correctional facility, scared my family, annoyed my online friends and ruined my life with the tight grasp that is depression. I've had to deal with much more than what I could handle, and because of that, none of the suggestions that people give me aren't coming through. I've tried everything to snap out of it, but it's not working well, and I've said sorry so many times, it's basically an empty promise now.

I feel as if the only way to stop getting flak for my problems, and to stop annoying the users is to quit Subeta, but I have to wonder if there are enough people who care about me enough not to leave Subeta forever, and if not, I will leave, never to come back. I'm not playing about this, and I really don't want to give more people problems, but because I can't control my feelings, I might have to leave forever, or maybe an extended lapse of time, before I can come back.

I've screwed up so much, I go almost every day, self-deprecating myself and punching myself in many places as a way of punishment. I feel so empty, I can barely show almost any emotion. I really miss being a kid, because I was so optimistic and cheerful back then, and now, I'm just a sad, depressed, lousy piece of crap.

- I would be sad if you left. You're really nice. It's just that depression that isn't allowing to be who you really want to be. I understand. I was like that two years ago.

The people that are fed up with you are not worth your time anymore. I suggest not talking about depression on the sb anymore as to not cause yourself any heartache. But, contact the people who have been supportive and understanding. They care about you too.

You can let me know what's going on in your mind anytime. :)

I wish I could say something that would help, but I've been where you are, hell, I still am where you are sometimes, and I know that for me at least, what other people say doesn't really help sometimes. Depression sucks, for the person who has it and for the people around them who just don't understand, even if they do take the time to try. It feel suffocating sometimes, like where you just don't want to move or do anything, because you feel like you'll just be put down for it. It's really, really hard. But the more you make yourself do things, get up and move or type on these forums, or do anything at all, it'll get easier. High school especially was a rough time, for me too, because all I wanted to do was have friends and have fun, but my depression held me back and kept me holed up at home. I wish I could be more helpful or say something that would make you smile. I wish I could make it better, but all I can offer is online hugs and well wishes. So...HUGS

I am going to try and be as nice about this as possible. Many people in the SB where you frequently whine/mope/complain and etc. have tried to help you. They have tried to be your friend but you are negative on top of negative with some negativity on the side and to round it off- more negative. Just like you are doing now. You don't want help, at least it seems that way to me and many others. Every single day you show up in the SB and complain about your life. You don't make an effort.

Here is thing. I've had depression for longer than you have been alive. I know it affects people differently but until you /want/ to change then you're not going to. I'm not going to pat you on the back, stroke your ego or anything else because that doesn't work. Tried it. Failed. So have many others. I don't hate you. I never have, but it's hard to be friends with someone that is constantly bringing you down. A lot of people deal with shit, they come to Subeta for laughs and friends and a good time. Sometimes serious discussions and human interaction.

The first change starts with you. Be more positive and you might find you will have many friends.