Hey Subeta!

I need some guidance. My current relationship has hit a snag and I am not sure what it is I should do.

Recently, through text, my boyfriend made it known to me that he wants me to be more "open". He tells me that he can't read minds and that I have to tell him things that upset me. I couldn't agree more.

So I decided to tell him something that I have been withholding. I am in college and there are times when guys will ask me for my number. Instead of agreeing to do so for the sake of being polite. I willingly give them my number,because I know that they will give me attention in return (in the form of text messages and phone calls). I know this sounds wrong, but here is the thing. My boyfriend has had a rocky past that is heavily effecting him still to this very day. He suffers from depression and has these episodes where he becomes emotionally unavailable. At the moment, our relationship is centered around getting him better and tending to his needs.

On top of that, he is also in college and, unlike me, he has a full-time job. So there are times when we go days without seeing each other. On average I see him about two times a week. He is not a phone person and he doesn't like to text much either. I am needy and I have told him that we need to find someway to spend more time together. But nothings changed.

So when I told him about me intentionally getting other guys number and my reason for it, he got really upset with me. I explained to him that a) I wasn't trying to upset him by telling him this, I just wanted to be honest with him b) I am not trying to "hook up" with these guys or form a relationship with them and c) I stop communicating with them before I cross the line- the "line" would be me agreeing to go on dates with them. I just like having someone to talk to and being asked about my day.

I know full and well that these guys have other intentions, but I use that to benefit myself. He is upset with me and I don't really see why. I am human and I have needs too. I am bisexual and he has told me that he's okay with me sleeping around with other girls. Which I wouldn't do since I am in a relationship with him and I see that as cheating. I don't get why he is okay with me having sex with someone else, but talking to other guys solely for attention is a big "no no" for him.

Maybe I am wrong an am being immature. I was hoping that maybe someone could help me understand where he might be coming from. I plan to call him later on tonight. He got off work at 6, but I want to give him time to cool down before I call him.

Thank you! And sorry for any grammatical errors.

This is all biased js. Bottling emotions is never healthy. I think your boyfriend sounds selfish. If he is asking you for an open relationship, and your response is that you enjoy attention from other men, well clearly he feels the same way about other woman or he would not want an open relationship. So his anger is definitely selfish, when he feels the same. Plus in my experience, when one asks for an open relationship they are simply asking your permission to cheat. I think flirting is normal. The desire to be wanted and feel needed is normal. Stringing along guys is not a good habit to keep. I'd say keep the flirting at school and work only, as impersonal as possible. Once you start sharing secrets, texts, and calls, your saying that your unhappy and consciously or not looking for other options. I can't speak for men, but i assume that the sleeping around with another woman only intrigues him because he feels like he would benefit from it in some way, be it watching or threesome or wtfe. But when you involve a potential male interests that doesn't make him feel like a man anymore. I'd lie to think that twice a week is a decent amount of time to spend with a significant other that you do not live with. I would spend some time evaluating what YOU need out of a relationship. I hope you can both work things out but a clear line has to be drawn for what you both need out of your relationship. And for it to work you must both be willing to make those commitments to one another. A relationship is not 50/50, it's 100/100.

I think it's great that you and your boyfriend have decided to be more open with each other. Communication is a really great way to keep a relationship healthy and lets each partner know how the other one feels!

It's seems like you and your boyfriend both feel a bit neglected when it comes to receiving attention. Outside of his episodes where he gets attention while he's recovering, he may feel like he doesn't get as much attention due to school and work. Which is also the reason you don't feel like you get enough attention from him, plus you feel like he gets more attention because the recovery periods focus on him. Having the relationship seemingly unevenly focused on him all the time seems like it may be part of the reason you feel neglected. Even if he's in an emotionally unavailable state, you could see if just having him be physically present and hanging out with you when you two have free time helps. Since he's not one for text or phone calls, he could either try to utilize them more or maybe even use email. It's a less instant form of communication that he may find more comfortable than phone calls or texting since emails are usually less frequent than the above options and allow more in depth conversations over a period of time.

As for you talking/texting other men for attention, I think it's inevitable at some point that it happens in relationships where a partner doesn't feel like they receive enough attention from the other. So long as it's a behavior that isn't escalating to cheating (unless an open relationship has been previously discussed) and you recognize it's a problem, then it's an issue that you are aware needs to be resolved. You could either try stopping the behavior or decide to potentially make friends with the people you text. By befriending them, you get to receive attention from them and so long as they are aware of and respect your relationship, then it's less of an issue. Friends are great for when a partner seems less available because then you can still talk and go do activities (like watch movies, have a meal, study, etc.) and still receive attention without feeling negatively about it. I'm not necessarily saying make friends with the dudes trying to hit on you, but friends in general are great to be around when a partner is unavailable or busy at the moment. On days that you and your boyfriend are hanging out, make plans. Even if it's something cheap like watching Netflix or having a homemade meal, it'll feel like you're both receiving more attention because there are activities planned where you focus on each other.

Talk to your boyfriend and see what ideas he has. Communicate honestly how you feel with each other. Let him know that you would feel better if he was able to communicate more with you throughout the day. If there are any other issues, talk about those two. At the end of the day, it comes down to how you and your boyfriend feel about what's going on in your relationship.

Definitely talk about things with your boyfriend

- Having friends is a great thing, but talking to guys that have other intentions are not the types of people you want around. And, the more neglected you feel, the more the feelings for these guys will escalate. I have had experience with this.

I had an ex that was out of the country for 2 months. While he was always very distant and unsupportive of me, it got worse while he was away. I started talking to guys at school that tended to my emotional needs and wanted to hang out. At first, I said I wouldn't cheat. But, it ended up happening. And, after the guys got what they wanted, they left me.

I really think you need to reevaluate the relationship. The fact that he says it's okay for you to cheat on him with a girl but not a guy raises huge red flags for me. Also, he's not willing to see you or communicate with you more than twice a week. If he really cared about you, he would try to communicate or hang out more, but he's just coming up with excuse after excuse. My ex was exactly like that, and it left me lonely and miserable.

You need to do what's best for you.

Whenever a guy is afraid of any other penises being within 3 feet of you (or texting a penis, or skyping a penis, whatever) it's because HE is insecure (maybe he's not the ONLY penis, oh no.) -From my experience with jealous and possessive men. He may just be telling you "I don't like this" but that could turn into "I'm not allowing you to do this" and that doesn't respect your right to make your own decisions.

And he said it was ok for you to have sex with other women. Because that's likely sexually arousing for him, he doesn't mind thinking about that. Or he has some fallacy that a woman isn't a real threat who could steal you away, or you're still 'pure' if you're only touched by other women, or something that's not logical. Because cheating is cheating, with a man or woman. He's just picking and choosing which doesn't give me much confidence in his standpoint.

Now I'm sure your boyfriend has some great qualities, why else would you date him? But if he can't be committed (not blaming him, he just needs to get his ducks in a row) why should he expect total commitment from you? That's not really fair. You should be in a relationship because you both get something good out of it; a relationship is not a charity. You need social contact that he's just not giving whereas you said everything centers around his recovery. I think you're very self aware and wanting attention is normal.

I hope things are working out better for you and your boyfriend! I know it's been a while since you posted asking for advice but I just figured I'd give my two cents if you were still open to advice.

From the sound of it, it sounds like you and your boyfriend are at two different stages in life and because of that you are not getting enough attention you feel you need. I agree communication is good but you first need to understand where each of you is coming from. You know he works and is going to college so his life is going to be crazy busy. I have a lot of respect for him btw to be balancing school with a full time job AND deal with depression. I know people who have full time jobs and are working hard to get their degree. It's not easy to make time outside of that. I've also had a little taste of depression and it SUCKS, you don't want to do anything and it's like nothing matters anymore. It's a hard feeling to shake. It's good that you support him and he himself needs to push hard to get himself out of that mindset. It's hard but that's on him.

For you, you need to understand that college is what he needs to do and make himself happy. Understand that he wants to be with you but can't give you constant attention he needs the time to study and do well. If you could wait for his life to become less hectic, then he can spend more time with you. If you find that you can't wait for that day, then maybe it's better to take a break and do you for a while so he doesn't feel hurt by the fact you are talking to other guys. I know you want to be honest, but telling him you are talking to other guys that you know like you was a bad idea. You might not have intentions to act on anything, but guys get jealous of other guys just like girls get jealous of other girls. Stuff like that messes with his head, makes him think he's not good enough and that will only make his depression worse. I also don't think it's a good idea to lead guys on like that. It's cool to have guy friends and make friends but if you're flirty with people that clearly want to have something more than a friend relationship with you is kinda messed up. If you are at least upfront with them and were like "I have a boyfriend but you and I have a lot in common and I would love to be friends and hang out" that would be ok and your boyfriend would have no reason to be upset because he could do the same.

This sounds kind of strange to me. You said he's in college and has full-time job. How old are you two? Are you in high-school?

"I am bisexual and he has told me that he's okay with me sleeping around with other girls. Which I wouldn't do since I am in a relationship with him and I see that as cheating. I don't get why he is okay with me having sex with someone else, but talking to other guys solely for attention is a big "no no" for him."

Nah, this only means he's really misogynistic and homophobic. He thinks that relationships between women don't mean anything but if another man appears in your life, then that's reason to worry. I suggest you dump him for a woman.

Seriously, I'm bisexual and this is one common way guys react to a woman being bisexual. He's not worth it, especially since you said the relationship is focused on his needs, when he should be the one to fix his problems.

You haven't given some important details, but tl;dr he shouldn't care about what you do. If he gets jealous on you talking with other people then he's not good for you.