Hello subeta users, I'm not so good right now, I guess what comes closer to describe my estate is scared and confuse but that's not entirely right. I'm not looking for advice or anything actually, I guess I just need to clarify my mind.

Well some context first, ok? Two years ago my sister and I moved to another country, she found a school with a program "suitable" for her, I don't know exactly what she was thinking, but that's her never looks beyond what's in front of her, and my parents have let her... us, believe everything is possible, I don't blame them, they're the best parents in the world but they're naive. Anyway, we moved really REALLY far away from our family, from what we knew and what we used to do, far from how we used to live. It was very hard for me at the beginning, I finished college about two years before this moving away thing; dates, years, time in general has become a sort of blur, is hard to keep track of "how longs", some times I have to check several times the calendar, even the hours seem to blend together; because I have nothing to do, I'm lost in a way I guess; but I'm skipping some steps.

When we arrived to this new land, we had our firsts days figure out, someone pick us at the airport, took us to the apparent of a friend of a friend, she gave us a lot of tips and instructions about how to move around, and the next day she left and we started the "adventure" by ourselves. As I said I had it hard at first, I felt the loneliest I've ever felt in my life, along with all this pressure of not failing, in literally less than a day, maybe sooner, I gain a whole bunch of responsibilities I never asked for, or so I felt, because I did asked for it, I should've knew I had all this chances coming when I said: "If she goes I go too".

I've already cried about my crapy first month here so I'll continue. Things got better, we found a house for students in a "convenient" neighborhood, convenient is not a bad word, is very good actually, since I really like living here. I started to make some friends, never by my own, they all are girls who lived here, or my sister's college mates, and two girls which one of them my sister met online and finally in person when we were all settled in our new homes; I also met a couple of lovely ladies in my Italian lessons, lessons I started to took a year after we arrived; but they are at least twice my age, I call them friends but I'm not sure if they are, they are good people, but I don't know anymore how to recognize when someone becomes a friend.

*Here is one thing about the habitants of this country, or at least of this city, they are in general good people, they try always to be or at least show smart, they fight for their rights, but they always put them selfs first; they do help others, they've helped me, but I don't feel is actually for the other, is more of a "I'll help you and either I'll have a profit, or at least that will make me a better person". Don't get me wrong I'm not a selfless person, quite the contrary, but must of the people here have "me first" impregnated in the skin; I don't want to judge and entire population based on the encounters I have, in fact I don't want to judge! I don't like it when someone judge me so I avoid as much as I can to judge others, but for the last two yeas that's the impression I've had about people here and I find it hard to change it or at least not think about it.

That leads me to the most recent events in my life. One of the few friends I have left in this house was recently kick out by the owner, and I wish it pains me I can't do anything about it. This happened for a chain of events that started when a couple of girls moved about 3 or 4 months ago, this couple, from the beginning, are trouble to put in a word. They're the example of selfishness and bad education. This place, like many others, has a serious economics problem, many people struggle to make it to the end of the day, my sister and I have beed there, but we have our loving parents, sacrificing everything for us, to make everything better for us, and for a while it wasn't better it was great, I haven't been back in my home but I haven't felt like I miss them either, I talk to them every day, we text everyday and videochat everynight, some times I don't even have anything to tell them we know what's up all the time. In a way distance made us closer, which is hard to believe since I never felt a distance between them and me. But I do feel I'm failing them, I'm not working, I'm basically doing nothing with my life. And my main concern I don't have the proper permission to "stay", I mea it's ok immigration laws aren't that strict here as in other countries, but if I leave there is a chance I can't come back. This couple I mentioned before, they started a huge mess in the house, they put the lady in charge and the owner in odds, they've threatened many girls with several things; and it seems the house might close because of all that. If the house close it's doors, and we have to move else where, I'm not sure I'll be able to stay, we can't rent an apartment, the initial payment is out of reach, we're not sure if other places like this will take us with our two pet rats (stupid me thought it would be nice to give my sister a rat, she loves them so I bought one and since they need company we got another one shortly after); I think, if we have to move, the best would be that I go back with my parents and she stays to finish college with maybe a friend or in a bit more expensive place, since is just one lease I guess my parents will be able to pay it, I could try to find a job in my home town and help them, or at least take away the pressure of supporting me. But even if it is the best, I don't want to go back, or, part of me wants to stay, I love this city, I know that if I go back for good, I'm going to miss this place so much. And then, part of me wants to have things easy again, which makes me think of myself as a failure.

I gave up, well, actually, I've never fought for anything, I never tried my best. Everything just came to me, the trip was my sister's doing, my stay was my parent's, and now my leaving is my lack of effort. I'm truly like that awful opera song, I don't have a voice, I'm like a feather in the wind, I really need to someone to tell me other wise, I need that someone could be able to see some willing in me, but if I can't do it, it's impossible that anybody else cans.

He, I thought that writing it down will make me feel better, or help me in a way, but it just reassured me what I already know, how I already felt about myself.

If anybody reads this, please don't feel like you need to reply, I don't think I have too much left to say, but to be heard makes me very happy, I don't have touchable people to talk to, I'm not saying real because subeta users are as real as the people who live with me, maybe more.

I just want you to know that I read your whole post and I think you are very brave. It takes a lot of courage to move to a brand new place and start from zero and you're very brave for doing that.

As far as having to move, maybe you should try not to worry too much about something that might not ever happen. It's so easy to feel overwhelmed if you worry about everything that might happen in the future. If you like your city, don't leave if you don't have to. Are you not able to work at all? Maybe you could find a charity or some kind of volunteer group so at least you can be doing something. I know I can feel really hopeless if I don't have any goals to work towards. Even a job I didn't like made me feel better because I had somewhere to be and a purpose of some kind.

But you should know that you're not alone, even if you feel isolated where you live. There are always people on subeta or other sites to talk with :) Take care and try not to be too hard on yourself.

Oh, thank you very much, you're really kind :)!!

I'm supposed to be a freelancer I actually had a steady client, but haven't heard from her since las november =/ and I singed up for another italian curse, classes start in april, but is not something that keeps me occupied the whole week and not a very good income either so I really wish I had a real job, I've been sending resumes without replies, which doesn't help to make me feel better, and yet all that feels like just excuses I made. Sorry I'm really grateful that you read me and for your kind words.

I actually have a few people around me I don't feel alone, but I feel I can't openly talk to them 'cause I'd be disappointing them, but subeta has the nicest community I know I can count on you guys :)

Hello! I read through your post and would like to say that you have a fantastic attitude. You are looking for the positives, and trying to work around any negatives. You may not have a steady job at the moment, but even I can see from one post how hard you work. Not just working hard for yourself, but rather for the people around you. I know sometimes it never seems like enough, or sometimes feel like treading water, but if I can see it I'm guessing those around you can see it too. <3 You are not a failure, lift your chin and keep sending those resumes. Keep adding to them with volunteer work and languages you can speak. You can do this no matter where you decide to live. ^-^/

I'm really thankfull for your kind words, and also really sorry I didn't reply sooner A lot can happen in a few days, I still don't know where I'll live or what I'll do but I'm taking it as it comes, I'm in debt with the Subeta comunity, you're always helpful and kind. lately I've had a bit of a disapointment related to a girl I thought was my friend, but it is so much better not to be in the wrong, it just makes me really angry that is not only me who had to live that but also my sister and my mom since she told her, but I'll do whatever I can to ease them from the actions of this sad and confused girl who fooled us.

The kind words were all sincere and don't worry about quick replies. Or debts to the Subeta community really I think. I'm believe that those that have helped you have wanted to, not for any kind of repayment. <3 Taking it as it comes is probably a good approach. I am a bit confused about your references to a sad and confused girl? Is this event something you want to talk over?

Well I'm very grateful, and hope someday to be in a position where I'll be able to help other users too. No, you're right, I don't want to talk about what happened with this girl, but it's sadden to realize some wasn't your friend after all, though I should know by now, I also should know not to fight my sister's battles, but as ungrateful and annoying as she is it still triggers me when someone mistreats her.