Hello everyone! I've come seeking advice and hope to find some solutions to some irritating roommate behavior with my fellow user's collective infinite wisdom :)

Quick background information: I am a 22 year old woman living amongst two men - my boyfriend and his best friend (N). My BF and I get along wonderfully and are able to communicate very well; it's our mutual friend that I have the issues with. N is a VERY nice guy and does not want any animosity/tension/conflict between anyone, so I know that his irritating actions aren't mean and that he is willing to at least try.

So N is a pretty messy guy, but mostly keeps it to his room (I can stand that since I am messy myself - it's My BF that's the neat-freak around here, haha), however his nature turns flat-out gross when it comes to the kitchen. Whenever he cooks, he leaves an enormous mess. Food scraps stuck on the stove, packaging strewn across the counters, and DIRTY DISHES EVERYWHERE.

This is where the problem starts. Dirty dishes blocking the sink so you can't even wash your hands. They stay there so long they start to smell. I am not joking when I say that our kitchen sink OVERFLOWS with dirty dishes after every meal N eats. Even if it's just a bowl of cereal. It's actually kinda impressive and I would laugh at it if I wasn't so annoyed.

I've tried asking him to just put his dirty dishes (simple things such as cups, plates, and silverware) straight into the dishwasher when he's done with them. I've tried following him into the kitchen and (not quietly) putting dishes into the dishwasher. I've tried moving the damn dishwasher in front of the sink (the dishwasher didn't come with the apartment so it's portable and on wheels) so he can't miss it. I've tried being nice about it, being direct, being passive-aggressive, tried to just get over it and not let it bother me. Nothing. works. The dishes still pile up and the sink gets so full they overflow onto the fucking counter and take up space. It's so disgusting and flat-out disrespectful that I just can't take it anymore.

So I come to you guys for advice. My BF is extremely laid back and nothing bothers him, so he really doesn't see the huge issue with all this ("Yeah it's gross, but as long as it gets done it's fine, right?") and thinks it's just some control issue that I have to get over (which as I mentioned before I tried doing, but to no avail).

I'm also looking for a SOLUTION to this problem. When I say solution, I mean a way to solve the problem where both parties are happy, and there are few, if any, compromises anyone has to endure, remember to do, get upset about, etc.

For example: If someone can't seem to handle screwing the cap to the toothpaste back on after using it, so every time you grab it toothpaste squirts everywhere and dried up crap gets stuck to it. As a solution, you could buy toothpaste with a snap lid that takes much less effort to close. So everyone is happy and no more messes and wasted toothpaste.

Another example: N likes to play his video games and TV extremely loud. Instead of constantly telling him to turn it down and getting mad at each other, we bought a pair of wireless headphones that connect to his TV. That way he can play his games as blaringly loud as he wants, we don't have to hear it, and as an added bonus, he doesn't have to hear us! A solution where both parties are happy.

So, any advice? I know it is kind of "my" issue with all this, but you have to agree that this is really gross and disrespectful. I also want to keep our living arrangements as pleasant as possible. I just moved in with these guys after living in a very toxic and stressful living environment and I will do anything to never have to repeat that with anyone I live with ever again!

(Also I'm so sorry this ended up being so long and drawn out. I hope I didn't bore any of you away! I need help!! ;___; )

He's being an asshole and so is your BF, this is not "your" issue, it's theirs. Why is your BF not backing you up? Being "laid back" is a cop-out. He just doesn't want to admit that he's friends with a terribly inconsiderate jerk. I also can't believe you bought headphones for him with your own money.

It makes me wonder how many other times you've been forced to play peacemaker for your BF.

I'd just put the dishes he dirties in his bed, covered in whatever goop is on them. Same with the trash he leaves after making a meal. My dad only had to do this to me twice before I got the hint it was gross and to have it dealt with by the end of the day. I was only 10 when he did it too, I was plenty old enough to take my dishes at the very least to the sink when I was done with them. If I didn't by bed time I got to sleep with them XD I also know I'm lazy-ish and will just make sure before bed I have my trash thrown away and dishes in the dishwasher.

I mean I get it the last thing you want to do after you cook is clean everything before you get to a point to eat. I know I'd rather enjoy what I cooked first then worry about clean up later on. But if he like threw away the extra packaging from his cooking (i mean some days I want 2 packs of ramen or am making four boxes of mac n cheese for dinner with friends) while it was being made and kept one for cooking instructions then that would help a bit.

So maybe try asking him to be mindful of cleaning up by the end of the day? Even ask him to set alarm reminders at like 10pm (or whatever time) to check he didn't leave messes? There are ways to solve this, but worst case make him sleep with them.

I literally had this exact same issue a couple months ago. The way I treated it was that if he doesn't want to do his part, I'm not going to go out of my way to help him. We wouldn't do any of his dishes, we would put ours in the dishwasher and if he wanted his clean, he would have to hand wash them at that point or learn to put them there himself. If he wanted the kitchen clean, he was responsible for cleaning it. It's not your responsibility to parent him. You may hate having a dirty kitchen, but that's kinda something you have to deal with when you live with people. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. He'll get tired of the mess eventually and he'll clean it, maybe not as soon as you like, but it will happen.

For many years I was the sole leaseholder for a 5 bedroom house where I rented out the extra rooms to people. In that time I had more roommates than I care to admit, and most of them were varying degrees of terrible. Needless to say, I have encountered this exact scenario countless times.

I gotta be perfectly honest, unless he's ready/willing to grow the eff up and start picking up after himself, the best solution I can suggest is to not live with him. It is infuriating (especially when it's your dishes/cookware he's left to mould in the sink) - and unless he's willing to change his habits, you'll be forced to either pick up after him (which just tells him it's fine since it'll get done regardless), or to live with it until hopefully he eventually gets around to it (which, honestly, I wouldn't consider that much of an option, especially considering how frustrated you already are). Either way, you will grow to resent him for it, and the longer it goes on the more it will damage your relationship with him. If this behaviour continues and you want to remain friends with him, your best option really is for one of you to find somewhere else to live.

So, my advice would be to sit him down and have a long and honest conversation with him. Tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and that he needs to learn to start pulling his own weight and show more respect for the common areas of the apartment. Give him an ultimatum; either he does this, or one of you will have to leave (who this is will depend on who is or isn't on the lease). Now, the important thing here is your boyfriend will need to back you up. If you don't have his support, your roommate will likely see this as him taking his side - even if he's just staying neutral. Part of being in a relationship is that the two of you work as a team. They say best way to raise a child is to always maintain a united front, even if you disagree or one of you is indifferent to the issue; your child can't see you falter or they'll see this as a weakness and try to take advantage in an attempt to get their way. I realize he isn't your child, but he is acting childish, and my point is: Your boyfriend needs to support you if you're going to get your point across clearly.

My only other suggestion, if the above is out of the question for you, is to take any flatware or cookware you personally own and keep them in your room, or store them some place where he doesn't have easy access to them. Be sure to let him know he isn't to use them, and explain why. This would be a HUGE hassle on your part, but it at least prevents him from disrespecting your personal items, and would keep them clean for you yourself to use when you need to. This does nothing for any mess he leaves with his own items or any garbage he creates, so it may not be much in the way of a "solution".

(Also, I have tried the "put his mess on his bed" thing... A father doing it to his child is a lesson - a roommate doing it to a fellow roommate is just you asking for a fight. And trust me, it doesn't end well.)

Anyways, good luck, and I hope I was at least a little bit helpful?

Ah, yes, the cleanliness threshold. Basically, different people have different thresholds for the amount of mess that they consider to be acceptable. Some are higher than others. Your roommate doesn't do the dishes because he doesn't feel uncomfortable with them. There's no motivation for him to do it. You have the lowest cleanliness threshold, so you're the one that gets mad at the mess first. HOWEVER, there's no excuse for overflowing dishes left out so long that they smell, especially if they're all from the same person. The thing is, there will be no change in behavior if there is no consequence.

However, I have a somewhat unconventional idea for you: if you don't mind cleaning, charge him for it. He can leave out his dishes and such, but it's going to cost him an extra $X/month for you to clean up after him. Either he will start cleaning up his own mess, or you will get an extra $X/month in spending money. Another option might be to swap chores of some sort. For example, you'll do all the kitchen cleaning if he takes care of cleaning the bathroom and doing the sweeping.