We pulled a mutual fade - I suppose I'm single?
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.. yep. I just need to kind of vent, please bear with me.
Wall of text
I met him around 10 months ago, at a time where I was having a difficult time in the relationship I was in; long story short, I have some commitment issues and I dumped the old one and eventually got with this one. The first month or so was lovely, suddenly I felt really free and no responsibility and whatnot. I didn't have to mother him and it felt nice!
We quickly started having some issues though, because as it turned out he doesn't really do intimacy. We tried to make it work for a couple of months, and it felt like it was going better, when he had an accident that nearly cost him his life. He had an epileptic seizure and fell 12 meters down on concrete. I saved his life that day, and he was hospitalized for quite a long time. He broke a lot of bones in a lot of places, and it has cost him the vision on his left eye. Otherwise he has been incredibly lucky.
I went from being his girlfriend to being his fulltime homenurse/"mom"/errandgirl. For two - three months I took care of him nearly every day, and it was just everything I'd tried to get away from by dating this guy. I know he can't help it and I wouldn't have changed anything had I had to do it again, but it just altered our relationship so so much. I also began to notice that he refused to talk about things I like. I could be very excited about something I'd drawn, even if I'd drawn it specifically for him, and he'd just be silent or change the topic to youtube jokes from 2006 that steadily became more and more tedious for me to listen to as I became increasingly fed up with being around him. I'm not requiring that you're super excited about my thing, just acknowledge that I did a thing for you. It was as if he only saw his perception of me, and everything that didn't fit his mold of what it meant to be me, would be disproved of. After he started being able to take care of himself, being around him was just mentally draining me.
I feel sort of shallow for feeling this way, but after the accident, I began feeling less and less attracted to him. Not really because of all the weight he lost, I didn't mind that he was basically a wandering skeleton, nor that he had to have all his hair shaved off and his face was different. It was that his hygiene went straight out the window. I would help him shower whenever he felt that he had energy enough to do so, but his whole dorm room started to stink of death and rot, and the smell would be in all his clothes and his filthy sheets. Didn't help that he's a smoker either.
Last time I saw him was December 14th. I'd specifically said beforehand that I didn't want him to give me a Christmas present, because I have some issues with that (sounds dumb, I know, but that's how it is), and he straight up said that he was gonna get me something no matter what I said. I felt like crying and/or vomiting having to open that unpersonal box of chocolates he'd gotten me. Last time he called me was December 28th. His voice was weird somehow, I don't really know why. I've received two texts since, one with happy newyear and one where he asked when i'd come over. I haven't replied to either, and I haven't heard from him or seen him since.
For a while I felt bad - I suppose I still kind of do, I'm doing a super cold and cowardly thing right now - but I'm aware of the fact that it's not just me who's quiet. I've deleted my relationship status on Facebook and my profile on his Netflix account, but there hasn't been any response. Current plan is to wait for a reaction, and if no confrontation ensues I'm probably just going to slowly delete my way out of his life. I see it as over. No idea how he looks at it. TL;DR After 8 - 9 dramatic and turbulent months, my boyfriend and I have apparently pulled The Fade on eachother.
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Just reading about this guy makes me angry. Reminds me of a relationship I had once.
He doesn't do intimacy? What guy doesn't do intimacy?
And you are not shallow for being less attracted to someone who doesn't take a shower. That would be a deal breaker for me.
Oh, you deleted that, but it's funny because I've had that same emo boy thought and his style is just the complete opposite of that.
The intimacy thing .. I don't even know. In hindsight, it's possible that he might just have believed he was in love with me, but in reality just needed someone to talk to and hang out with, which I in fact offered him to begin with, but he rejected. So apparently, even if you really need it, it's better to fuck someone than it is to get a friend who actually bothers with you(?) It might have been something like that. Which actually makes him worse, wow. I'm sitting here right now, at this very moment, realising what a shitty egocentric person he is/has in fact been. I have been kind of apologetic about it so far, but I can definitely see that I don't need to be. It is a bitter taste I have right now. It's not awesome.
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Oh I thought I was being too honest. I usually accidently offend people on forums or give bad awnsers. lol I don't even mean too. So I tried to tone down my message by deleting the part I was unsure about.
The good thing is, we always gain something from our past relationships. I think with every relationship, we have a better idea of who we are looking for. When I first started dating, anyone could satisfy me as long as they give me love. OKay so this guy we never started really dating and it was bad. He just used me and only visit me at night. After that, guys cannot visit me only at night. And they have to take me on dates once in awhile. My first official boyfriend turned out to be a guy with no ambitions in life and it was an LDR. I vowed I would never date a guy who wasn't in college or didn't have a job, didn't get along with his mother, and I wouldn't date a guy who was in a long distance relationship with me. My second boyfriend came around, he couldn't love me and looked at other woman. I decided after my next boyfriend cannot go looking at other woman sexually. Not even behind my back. Next came my current boyfriend, this is what I require for him:
- Be in college or have a good job
- Don't look at other woman sexually
- Don't watch porn
- have a good relationship with your mom 5.Take me on dates
- Don't have crazy manic episodes when I compliment your hair color
- No long distance relationships
- If you don't like it you can get a new girlfriend who is okay with those things.
Even if we get married and find about any of these things, I will divorce him. (except the job one and good relationship with mother, those are only for dating) I'm not playing around. And frankly, I don't have the time to get my heart broken anymore.
Now I know how extreme that is. Most guys would not date me because they couldn't follow these rules, but its a good weeding out process. I got kind of off track, but I'm sure if you saw a different looking guy with the same personality you were just in a relationship with, you would think twice about going into a relationship with him. So I don't think all is lost. The fact that you are picking out what you didn't like about him is a sign of personal growth. I do it all the time. Its called standards and more girls need more of them.
Heh, well even so you hit the nail on the head there.
I'm glad to hear you have a list, and I don't even think yours is that extreme. That hair colour story though, I'd love to hear it :D. I do too, although not one I've written down, and the reason I chose not to be super serious with my list was that he was mostly a "good" excuse to execute the old relationship, and was never meant to last more than a few months. I was considering dumping him when he had the accident, and that was a reason to stay. I wouldn't have otherwise. Maybe I should write my list down. Seems like a pretty good therapeutic tool actually, haha:
- Educate yourself, have a job you love or at least have a visible goal in life/plan of getting to where you want to be.
- No drugs or weed. AT ALL. And if you're on life-necessary medication, take your damn medicine when you need to.
- Treat me as you expect me to treat you. Accept me for me. Be proud of me and take an interest in me for who I am and what I do. Don't make fun of things that matter to me.
- No hardcore gaming. Casual is fine, as long as you're not a dick about it.
- Better yourself in bed
- Don't "joke" about harming my birds. If you do, you've already then clearly shown me how little you deserve any of my time.
- Treat people like waiters and staff nicely. It's not their fault you're an ass.
- Don't expect me to be a "housewife".
- Don't be clingy. Ew.
That's all I can think of right now. I don't think all is lost either. Relationships are not the be-all and end-all, and I know there are guys out there more suited for me than him. Again, he was meant to be temporary :)
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Haha "Take your damn medication when you need too." That made me laugh. I'm really glad your okay. You have a really good list. Number 3 is a must. And numbers 2,4, and 7 I can really relate to! I couldn't date someone who smokes weed or does drugs. My roommates have that covered. Somehow I got paired with 3 other girls who all love to smoke weed. Usually I wouldn't really care, but there is definitely a problem when I can smell it in my room. I cannot wait until my contract is up.
Number 6, I can't believe someone would joke about harming animals.(Well foods kind of different from pets) I have a fish and I love her to death. Its basically my child. I know I wouldn't want anyone joking about harming her. lol Even my parents told me that I treat it if it was my child.
The list really helps with looking to the future. (:
So about that hair color story. He had orange hair and I liked how it shimmered in the light. It was different and very pretty. So I know he is very self-conscious about his hair and I really did love him at the time. I told him his hair color makes him special and unique and that I loved that part about him and he flipped his shit. He went crazy and he told me to stop patronizing him. And literally had a full blown break down. It scared me. Why does something so little make him blow up? It was beyond me. The whole relationship never should have happened, but at least it was a life lesson. It ended with him ignoring me and never talking to me again. Hes probably still living off his dad and not working. He had a few jobs, but quit less than a month in. He should be 22 right now without any real work experience. I have no idea how hes going to make it in the real world. I don't even care anymore. That relationship was exhausting.
Wow omg, that's one of the biggest overreactions I've ever heard of! Good riddance! I hope you manage to get out of weedville soon :o
The medication thing is because that was what caused his accident. He has epilepsy, and hadn't taken his medicine. Whoop, seizure out a window. That's grand. And yes exactly about the child thing, my birds are extremely important to me, I've hand tamed them both myself, taught them words and tricks and such, and I couldn't believe my ears when beforementioned guy started joking about them flying away or dying. That was in November and was definitely one of the bigger reasons I faded, and definitely one of the reasons I didn't break up with him when he was there, saying that stuff. I was scared he'd kill them to hurt me. Not that he seems the type, but I had reasonable doubt.
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I completely understand why that would be one of the bigger reasons you faded. The window must have been wide open. I've heard of stories where people fall out of windows, but windows are usually closed or have a giant AC in it.
I'm trying to figure out if I should do the Bumbus quest and I was wondering what your opinion on it if I turned my nostalgic pet into a nostalgic bumbus. I didn't want to until I saw what it looks like on neocolours. I think it looks cuter than what I have now. And the art is so amazing <3. http://www.neocolours.me.uk/subeta/subetaview.php?species=all&colour=nostalgic
I'm about to go to counseling group in a few minutes. Its a group of semi-socially awkward people working together to learn how to socially connect better. I'm there because I have trouble reading peoples expressions. And I usually feel bad after I'm social with someone because I feel like I said something I shouldn't have since I can't read facial expressions. So we probably all are going to sit in a circle and talk asking each other, "you made this expression, when I said this, does this mean..." Its my first time going so I don't really know what to exactly expect.
He sat on the windowsill to smoke a cigarette. The accident caused his left lung to collapse. Yet he's back to smoking. Bleh.
Personally I love Nostalgic Bumbi (is that the plural?), but Nostalgic Chai are also really adorable ;_; I don't really know how the Bumbus quest works either, and Idk it'd be a shame if it just turns your cute Chai into a basic Bumbus :/ But overall, give it a few days and if you still want to do it, go for it. :)
Group councelling is one of those things that can be really helpful if you do it over a longer period of time. If you just go once or twice, it'd be a waste of time, but really forming some connections there helps so so much. What's gonna possibly happen is that you take turns talking about an incident that has bothered you or something like that, and then the others comment on it, giving advice and opinions. It can be somewhat awkward, but also very rewarding! I hope you have a good experience :)
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That is such a scary accident. I couldn't imagine going through that. I'd probably have nightmares of falling.
My boyfriend smokes right now. Hes tried quitting and it hasn't worked. I've been encouraging him to go get prescription medication from the doctor to help him quit, but he hasn't gone yet. Hes been too busy.
Thanks I think I will have a good time! I think I'll be happier when I start attending the sessions. I know my mood is already getting better just by going to the individualized sessions. She doesn't really do much. Usually its just me going on a talking spree. I guess its just nice being able to talk to someone about everything. It really does help me keep my emotions in check.
Lucky for him, he doesn't remember any of it because of the seizure. Or well, perhaps it would be better if he did, so he could see how serious his condition actually is.
Quitting cigarettes is super hard. I hope he's actually motivated to quit for good :/
It sounds like you'll fit right in :) But of course I don't know how the other group members are like, that can have an effect on the group dynamics.
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I hope so too. There was a statistic I saw that most people can't quit without prescription medication. He has a lot going on right now though. So I don't think its his top priority. I'm going to keep bugging him about it though because I love him.
Your a really nice person to talk to, do you mind if I add you as a friend? (:
I've heard that smoking helps against the stress, so he might even be relying on it currently. Perhaps when he gets a little more "breathing space" .. hahah x)
Likewise! Feel free to add :)
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He definitely relies on it when hes stressed. And I know I cause some of his stress. Over Christmas he was going to stop when I left to go visit my family. Didn't work out though.
I want to know more about you. Do you go to college or have a job? I hope I'm not coming across as a creeper. I'm not going to ask you where you live, your last name or anything super personal.
I think I'm gonna pull this to sMail, since it's not gonna be very relevant to the board topic x)
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Oh my god, honey, I'm so sorry you had to go through that! And I'm sorry I'm late in seeing this >_< I do think you've done the right thing, though. Also, joking about your birds that way? Omg. No. Just no.
It's okay, I know you've been dealing with some stuff lately, I'm just glad you're holding up as well as you are :) Thank you though. I'm confident I'm gonna be as fine as can be soon enough. I guess you just never really know people until they reveal their true colours :/