Okay, so I'm trying to refine my pet Protector's story. I had written the story a number of months ago and I had forgotten that it was basically finished. Great, so all that's left to do is look it over and fix errors and improve descriptions among other things...except I'm not particularly good at that. I think I may be a bit too wordy? IDK. I'll let you guys be the judge.

Linky: http://subeta.net/pets/Protector

Please point out any flaws within the story itself, whether a description of something is confusing to you, whether something doesn't make much sense (well, it's a fantasy story so none of it makes sense but I mean within the context of the story, obv). Oh, and point out grammatical errors, I'm not that good with technical stuff like punctuation and I'm known to get my tenses mixed up.

Also um...just let me know whether the story itself is likable? I know that shouldn't matter too much but I am curious. ALSO IS IT TOO LONG? I feel like I wrote a book xP

Just lemme know what you think. Might give a little something in return c:

EDIT: OH and the ending isn't quite finished yet. Just so you know.

Ooh I'm an English teacher so proofreading is my specialty~ activates special powers

And the story is really good! All my suggestions are kind of nitpicky grammar things, since you did ask for grammar help. I didn't find it too long or wordy, and it was likeable. This looks like a long list of critique, but it's all really minor stuff!

-If you're keeping the description before the story itself, they would be reincarnations, not reincarnates (which is the verb form).

-"Looking at the ground just right in front of her" - this may just be my personal preference, but I think it would sound better if you say "just in front" or "right in front" instead of "just right."

-It might help to use "Claire" or "the young woman" some more instead of saying "she" quite as much. That way, we will remember her name and identity better :)

-"The sword was clean and shiny, as she gazed at it she could see her reflection. It seemed familiar somehow." - Instead of "it seemed," it would be more clear to say "the sword seemed." Otherwise, it sounds like you might mean her reflection was familiar (unless that's what you meant).

-"Oh dear, this looks expensive." she thought to herself. - needs a comma instead of a period after "expensive."

-"This particular object though...it was as though she was entitled to it." - maybe replace one "though" with another word to avoid repetition... like "This particular object however" or "it was as if."

-"YOU THERE. GIRL." a raspy-ish male voice boomed seemingly out of no where. - should also be a comma after "girl," and "nowhere" should be one word. And you could just say "raspy" instead of "raspy-ish" since raspy is already an adjective :)

-rather dubious express,ion on it. - expression :)

-"Is she it? She can't be it." said the other male, in a doubtful, almost frustrated tone. - comma after it. Also, I'm not sure which man is speaking here, so it might help to say the young one, or tall one, or some other descriptor.

-"Silence! Don't question the Warrior God's reincarnation choices!" the first male with the raspy voice snarled. - same here, I'm not sure which one had the raspy voice. I'm guessing it was the old one. Throughout the next bit, until we get their names, it would help to describe them rather than saying "first" and "other" so we don't get confused.

-"Mm...perhaps you should explain, Reginald." said the other male to the first one.

"Yes." the first male concurred. - space after the ... in the first line, commas instead of periods after each quote. Basically, any quote will end with a comma if you have a speaker tag like "said" after it, unless the quote has an exclamation or a question mark. (Sorry if that's confusing ^X^; ) And the ... will always need a space after it.

• Luke looked almost twice her size, at about 6'2", he was not a small man. - this is a run-on sentence because you have two complete sentences joined with just a comma. You need to change one of the commas to a period, depending on where you want the two sentences to be split.

-"I'm so terribly sorry Luke. - needs a comma after "sorry."

-The second monster stopped her, whacking her with a freakishly large hand, she's knocked back a few feet. - another run-on, and you switch tense there.

• It cautiously stopped for a moment to avoid impalement. - would help to say "The monster" instead of "it" for clarity.

• The screams suddenly stop after that, his body mercifully put him into an unconscious state. - another run-on

• The monster flinged the unconscious man at her - I think "flinged" should be "flung." I'm not positive though ^X^;

-Her body shaped-shifted, she grew muscular and taller - run-on

-Holding the blade in her hand, she got up, rolling Lukes body off of her. - "Luke's" needs an apostrophe.

I hope I helped, and I'm sorry if I was too picky ^X^; I'm just used to proofreading for tiny details for work. If you have any questions, please let me know!

YES. Thank you. That was precisely what I needed. Thankyouthankyou. You shall be rewarded. xP

Ahhh, I didn't realise I made so many run-on sentences. I will try to fix everything in a little while.

I appreciate the help! The only thing I was aware of was the "express,ion" thing. For some weird reason "expression" wouldn't show on the profile, so I broke it up like that on purpose ._. shrugs

Whoa, that's weird! Although now that I think about it, there was some word doing that on one of my profiles! Can't remember what the word was, but that's happened to me before.

If you want me to read the rest of it when you finish it, just ping or smail me! I'd like to know what happens :D