Okay so... I won't get specifics, but 25 years of massive trauma later and I'm not always okay to be around people.

Now is one of those times. I can't be in the same room with someone, I can't look at them, I can't stand to have them touch me. That and I'm really paranoid right now...

Anyway, I'm trying to date this guy, right? He's pretty amazing and treats me like a princess... and he looks like a kicked puppy whenever I'm like this.

But right now? He's WHY I'm like this. He won't stop showing up uninvited, or leaving things on my porch in the middle of the night, or hanging around my neighbors house waiting for me to come outside...

And I had my first stalker at 11. He followed me for three years, every holiday saw a packet of these super romantic pictures of me he took of me when I didn't know anyone was there, and eventually his best friend was the one to go to the authorities with print outs of the hundreds of obsessive and increasingly scary e-mails.

First stalker. I've had three pretty scary ones.

And I've told my boyfriend this. The last time he was here I laid it all out for him and he agreed that he wouldn't do these things that trigger my fear and intense paranoia... (seriously, I can't leave my room right now and haven't been able to since the first time he left something on my doorstep.) since then he's gone to my friend's and sent her over, left me flowers, and I'm writing this now fueled by the upset of him barging in and emotionally blackmailing me into a cuddle.

I just... my skin was crawling the whole time and when he was lying on my chest all I could feel was someone holding me down and...

It's not his fault I feel this way, but if he really cares about me, why can't he just let me to myself long enough to get a hold on these feelings? I don't want to just break his heart and tell him to go away and never come back... but he won't listen when I ask him to give me time to get a handle on my mental health, and my mental health is what's important.

Do I break it off? Do I threaten to break it off if he won't back off? Am I wrong to ask for my space? Or do I just endure these feelings until I snap and start ripping at my skin with my own nails because someone won't listen when I tell them I don't want to be touched?

Uhm, if you told him this and he's still doing the behavior, you need to tell him more firmly or tell him it's over. He's not respecting the fact that you have an issue with his behavior. So even if he's willing to do tons of things "for you" to make you feel like a princess, he's ultimately ignoring your feelings in the long run. And that's bad. Have you ever had counseling for your issues with stalkers? Sometime that proves to be helpful. Another thing that is sometimes good is taking self defense classes or martial arts, as it can give back a sense of that empowerment.

But the bottom line is that you told your boyfriend what bothers you, he needs to understand that and stop the behavior, or he needs to be out of your life.

Yeah, okay, that's pretty much along the lines of what I was thinking. Like, he's trying to charm me into thinking what he does is okay... and I don't NEED charm from a relationship - I need real.

uh... You know, my stalker issues were kinda regulated to funny anecdotes I'd tell my therapists after making them cry -.- cause like, it was scary but easy to play up how unreal obsession is in a dramatic and funny way, and none of my stalkers ever actually got their hands on me -vs- the times I was physically victimized... I didn't realize why I'd freak out when someone started to get a little unreasonably attached in a short amount of time, until John started leaving the creepy presents and ambushing me at my only friend's house O.O

As for self defense, I've had some training and grew up surrounded by violence, so I know I can take some damage and still hold my own well enough to get away most of the time. I'd like to get a little more formal training, or even brush up on the basics sometime soon... But I carry a panic whistle and pepper spray, and I always vary my routine when I leave the house. I know how to get myself out of situations when they find me (well yeah, I'm alive to write this post lol) - what keeps me from leaving my room isn't the fear I won't see it again, it's the fear of what new hell am I going to relive this time?

But um... yeah... so the breaking up with him for not respecting my boundaries would be the emotionally healthy choice and not just some crazy girl thing I should feel guilty over?

If you want to give him one last chance, feel totally free to do so. But if you think it's best to break up, you should consider that as a solid option. It's clear that he hasn't respected your problem yet even after explaining it before. So I urge you to do what you think is best in terms of your personal comfort.

Sounds to me like he doesn't really understand the problem. From my point of view, it sounds like he's actually trying to cheer you up and be romantic.

If I were you, I'd give him an ultimatum. Tell him "Thank you for what you do for me, but in my eyes, you are becoming a stalker. I can not be with you anymore if your behavior persists. I like you, but I just can't put myself in that situation. Right now, I need time to myself... We can still keep in contact, but let me have my space. If you can't do that then we're done."

But yeah, I'd give him a second chance just because most guys are really stupid... But if he doesn't start respecting you after that, then don't feel guilty for looking after yourself and breaking up with him :)

He's stalking you. Break it off. I would recommend not getting involved in any romantic relationships for a while.

First I'd like to just say thank you for taking the time to put some thought into my problem and giving me advice. It's really hard for me to make decisions sometimes, and your guy's insight and clarity of thought was really what I needed to calm down and be able to think about this.

- Thank you, I needed to hear that just the way you said it - like it's the most reasonable thing in the world to put myself first...

- I agree with you about him trying to be romantic, it should be romantic right? Guy who can't stand not seeing me for a single day, so he finds some little present to come and bring me... It's one the reasons I've been so upset about everything, I feel guilty because he's trying to make me feel special and it just scares me. But at the same time... it feels like he knows what he's doing. Like the emotional blackmail is intentional, and the more space I try to put between us, the more he pushes his feelings on me.

- That's honestly what it feels like. At the very least he's developing some pretty scary obsessive behavior... And you know, I never meant to get involved in a romantic relationship, I'm not quite sure how it happened -.-

I think I am going to break it off, for all the reasons above and one really big one that occurred to me last night - He's completely broken my trust with his actions, saying he understands and agreeing to back off, only to continue doing things that scare me... I'm not even comfortable in his company anymore, let alone drawn to or attracted to him. And that's not really fair to anyone...

From what you're saying, it sounds like he's trying to help but doesn't understand how to help. Getting your friend and sending you flowers sounds like nice gestures to try to ease you into wanting to be around people again. We used to do "exposure therapy" to my friend that had this absurd fear of walking through muddy grass. The more she did it the more she got used to it. It sounds like your boyfriend is doing the same.

I would really tell him firmly how you feel when you get in your paranoid state and really make a point to explain how his small gestures really appear in your mind. I think he's finding it difficult to understand where you're coming from since he's never had to deal with these feelings. I would also consider going to a psychiatrist to help you get through your really bad days and once you have it under control, you could try going to couples therapy with him so he can better understand how to help you when you need it.

I think it is. He's probably just trying to do things that will cheer you up and make you smile without really understanding that he's not helping the problem and just adding to it. But as everyone else has said, put yourself first. If you are uncomfortable, then tell him and break it off if you have to. He might be doing it intentionally too... Or at least unconsciously intentionally if that makes any sense ^_^; Like, at first it might have been a test to see if it was true (not sure if guys play mind games, but it could happen), but then it turned into a "Did I do something wrong? WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE?!" situation with him desperately trying to win you back. I think your decision to break up might be the best though :)