ok so I'm not sure how to get my point accross properly so bare with me

For the last 4-5 years I've been diagnosed with social anxiety that comes with some depression my problem is I feel like I'm at a point where the diagnoses for me is feeling... off?

I've tried everything they have suggested for this diagnoses included seeing a psychologist/therapist/shrink (can't remember which is which.. I've seen about 5-6 different people) I've tried talking and cognitive behavioral therapy but I never get far as I find it very hard to talk to anyone and the only one I made progression talking too decided that I wasnt dedicated enough because I canceled 3 sessions in a row (I got really bad depression for those weeks and barely got out of bed let alone left the house) and there were others who were more 'willing' to do what was required (this was all free therapy as they have that in my country, thats why they could say go away to me)

I've been on 2 different drugs, citalopram and fluoxetine. I have stopped both, citalopram had some unwanted side effects and fluoxetine seemed to have no effect at all (I took this the longest and was on like 60mg or whatever the measurement is)

So I'm not sure what to do now I have weeks when I am so depressed I don't want to even get out of bed and sometimes when I do get out of bed I sit there on my laptop staring at nothing because I don't know or have no motivation/enthusiasm for anything, even things I usually love a lot. I do have suicidal thoughts but I am pretty sure I would never go through with it, they are just thoughts. My energy is abysmal and I feel like I've almost got a body cold because of my physical just blehness or fatigue if you wanna be technical. I get soooo mad during this time, I'm extremely easy to piss off, constantly irritated and just generally mad that I don't know WHY I'm so damn sad/depressed/easily irritated its just infuriating.

THEN I can have days or weeks of the opposite, I want to go shopping even if not to buy anything, just looking at things and 'wishing' I suppose, I have so much enthusiasm for things its insane and often for like 50 different things so in essence never REALLY get anything done but ohhh so many ideas :P I often stay up til ridiculous hours planning or starting these things. (I say starting because it either doesnt last long enough to get stuff done or just have too many ideas and keep starting new things without finishing anything else)

I'm pretty sure I do have social anxiety, but I have little hope of getting past that with the above problems, I tend to want to start making progress when I'm feeling enthusiastic then I hit my depression bumps and things all go to shit and I'm back at square 1. Heck, I'm going to the doctors in the morning but I probably wont bring the things I need too up because I'm terrified when talking to strangers, I'd ask my partner to bring it up but I'm not even sure what to ask him to say? (hes getting really sick of talking on my behalf cause people always want to hear it from me and I'm like O-O what do I say)

I'm kind of a ship wreck waiting to happen

Since your manic phase doesn't seem to cycle quickly could it possibly be borderline personality disorder? I suggest googling it to read the signs and symptoms and see if it applies to you (as much as I hate to suggest googling anything). There's no medication for it-they mainly use antidepressants to treat the depression that's usually associated with it.

I'm not that fond of googling either but will look it up though could you define a little more what you mean by cycling quickly? by manic I assume you mean the 'enthusiastic' mood?

In terms of length its usually a few days to a week for that and it can be interrupted by the depression and I can have this weird combo of both at the same time where I feel like I have all this energy to put into things and even some enthusiasm but I feel so.. sad I guess I just end up crying and thinking even though I want to do it I probably cant blah blah, its rather crap

I shall google your suggestion now though, thanks

Well, in cases of bipolar disorder you may have a manic (or enthusiastic/"not depressed") phase and a depressive phase. The manic phase where you're up usually comes and goes very quickly-within a matter of hours. With borderline personality disorder your manic phase may last days or weeks.

I'm no expert by any means, but I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 17, then it was changed to BPD when I was 25 and when I was last hospitalized it was re-determined that it was BPD. And BPD can exist along side other conditions such as anxiety and depression

I looked up both and they seem similar to a degree.

Sorry if this is a bit personal but do you happen to know why they changed their minds with your diagnoses? Is there things more dominant when you have one over the other? or?

I think it was just that my symptoms had changed with age. I also don't think they suspected BPD when I was 17 simply because of how old I was. I've mostly been depressed with some periods of happiness that will last for a little while, but then I'll drop back down into my depression. BPD also gets better with age-you simply learn to deal with things better, whereas people with bipolar disorder will usually have the condition remain the same forever and require mood stabilizers to keep them in line. In my case I can absolutely say I have gotten better with age (I'm 31 now). I'm much better at handling the down periods which are now not as common as my happy periods :)

I'm 24 now and sadly don't feel like things are getting better, I wouldn't say they are exactly getting worse but I'm becoming less hopeful of things changing I suppose.

Thanks for giving me some things to think about, I think I'll run these by my boyfriend and see what he thinks.. he probably notices more than I do and he can communicate it to my GP.

Good luck! I have changed a lot about how I think to get to where I'm at now, plus I got rid of some toxic relationships that weren't helping my well being. I hope you get the answers you're looking for!

ETA: Feel free to message me any time if you just need to talk or vent! I'll do my best to help you out but if nothing else I'm a good listener. :)