I have some issues with my brother, but first, a little background. I'm 24 years old, and I live with my brother who is almost 30. Our parents were psychologically abusive. No one in this family is actually related to one another (we were adopted from different families). My brother and I have always acted like good friends instead of expressing any kind of sibling rivalry.

About myself:

When we were kids, I was intelligent but I had a lot of attitude. I didn't like to listen to adults, definitely had no respect for them, I was arrogant, mouthy, and frankly didn't care. My mother tried to label me with a wealth of mental disabilities which only went through because she told tall tales to the psychiatrists, all for the sake of covering any evidence of abuse. The psychiatric system in my country is weak, so frankly that isn't too hard to do in the first place; however, she is also an actress, and a damn good one at that, so of course she could lie and people would believe her.

So, I ended up in "special education" programs for children with mental disabilities. I actually ended up in a lot of different ones, because I was so perpetually frustrated with the boring low-level school work, the dozens of kids I could not relate to in any way, and the completely useless adults (hi, my home life sucks, help), that my attitude just got worse and worse. The only place I was happy was the dojo, maybe the only thing my mother did which was actually good and helpful. They taught me discipline, strength, peace of mind, and so on... all the values I would have never learned otherwise. It was the right place for me.

About my brother:

My brother was probably my complete opposite. Strong moral compass, tries to be polite and kind. When he was a kid he had similar frustration to myself with our family situation. Unfortunately by complete opposite I also mean he is very unintelligent. He rarely changed schools (unlike myself), but always struggled with his classes, failing almost every subject, skipped a lot of classes, dropped out of post-secondary. For those who believe school is not a good test of intelligence, he shows severe lack of critical thinking ability in almost all areas: tons of little things like leaving fruit peels or egg shells on the counter, never covering his mouth when he coughs or sneezes, sticking forks in toasters, etc.

My brother was never big into martial arts. Instead, he was interested in conspiracy theories, environmentalism, and psychedelics, and spends a lot of time listening to podcasts related to those things. I've already tried to explain to him that podcasts aren't the most credible source of information for anything, but he disagreed. On the plus side, he has found an intellectual pursuit, so that's great. At this point I don't care what the subject is.

But this still brings me to my current problem. It is difficult to communicate anything to him because there is a near-invisible line between being offensive and having him not understand what I said. For him, life is about kindness. For me, life is about acceptance. This is a problem because it means I will either be honest or not say anything at all. It's hard to put anything delicately enough, but it's also hard not to come off as constantly ignoring him. I can't appear kind to him, and I can't pretend I have a strong moral compass, even though I just express both things in very different (and uncommon) ways. I don't like to SEEM kind, for personal reasons. I'm the kind of jackass who tells you your shirt is ugly before you go to an important meeting. My brother does not approve of that.

Naturally I don't want to hurt my brother. I need to be more patient with him. It takes him a while to understand anything, and I want to be able to take the time to carefully explain things in a manner he will understand. Problem is, I have no idea how I will do that. None at all.

That's a lot of history summed up in a few paragraphs. I guess, first of all, you need to work on your empathy. I'm not an expert but I will try to give you some ways to do that. For one, I think you should try to learn more about just where exactly he is in his head nowadays. Why is he drawn to those podcasts? What exactly is he getting out of them? It's clearly not information, so find out what is so satisfying there. You can't get through to him until you can understand him.

Read more about people who are suffering far worse than you at sites like the Pulitzer Center. Your suffering does matter and sounds significant, but improving your gratitude will further help you to understand your brother and just get along better with others period. It will also make you happier about your own life. You also might consider volunteering at places like homeless shelters or battered women centers.

Another thing I would recommend if you're not already doing it is to try to focus on your spirituality or figure out what it is if you don't have one. It is a humbling exercise to put your faith in a higher power, whatever it may be. If you're an atheist, then I would say double-down on the whole educating yourself on other people's suffering and figuring out how to be the best secular humanist you can be.

My brother and I do not connect at all. He is hyper sensitive and lives at home with our parents (he is in his thirties). I am very honest like you are, and he can't take it (a bit similar to your scenario in a way?). Anyway, whenever I see him I just keep things friendly and casual but never probe any deeper than that. If conversation is kept simple - about daily things - not being controversial etc, there isn't too much reason for conflict or confusion. I also just bite my tongue a bit more, and just accept that I can't be completely open. It seems to work on the most part.

It depends on how close you want to be with him - do you want to share your thoughts and feelings and be best buds, or just live together harmoniously?

your clearly bright so I suggest it is up to you to find a way to communicate more clearly with your brother, which is what you seem to be trying to do.

you obviously respect him even though he is so different from you. It sounds a bit like when you have children growing up and you tell them that things 'like podcasts' are not the best idea, but they dont agree because they simply dont have the tools to recognise if you are right or wrong - they may be missing experience or intellegence that you have or you may be missing something because you dont have their experiences, you have no idea how it feels to be them and to experience the world as they do.

Wanting to make the relationship work shows that you do have some kind feelings even though you seem to want to see yourself differently to that.

Being intellegent can make you think you always know best, however you are not able to know how others feel about things, if you havent lived their life - for example the person in the 'ugly shirt' going to an interview - you tell them the shirt is ugly but that is how YOU feel about the shirt and having told them they are faced with either changing it even though they thought it looked good as they chose it or wearing it anyway but worrying that it actually doesnt look good ... both of these options leaves the person feeling less confident about themselves at the interview. Personally I would wait to be asked before offering advice like that and its not about being blunt its about recognising that there is more to it than the shirt or being intellegent.

Being bright can mean you miss other skills like empathy because you may not have had to develop them yet.

see heres me being blunt and just like you I could be wrong too, I think you will be able to make a good relationship with your brother because you both have time to learn to do that

- well, this is advice I consider strange to be honest. I have a lot of empathy, and I don't particularly feel like I don't UNDERSTAND my brother per se. I feel like my weakness is communication. Consistently expressing gratitude is part of my spirituality, which is included in martial arts (shaolin kung fu, a.k.a. Buddhism). I guess I should have clarified that point because most martial arts are studied in dojos, which is where I started out, but I'm currently learning it in a temple.

I think my brother tries to make sense of the world. Our lives were hectic and difficult to understand: I was able to piece it together from the start, and put extra effort into learning about abusive relationships when I was a teenager. I went into therapy the moment I was legally allowed (old enough) to make that decision. I think he has yet to accept we were abused at all. I don't know how to talk to him about most things, because he is not ready to realize these things, and yet most of how we think relates to it. The information he's taking in isn't very far off from the truth. He is searching for healing without realizing a powerful desire for healing is not typical.

But I didn't come here for advice on abusive relationships. The only symptom of PTSD I have left is anxiety, so I'm confident I can work through it; however, I'm not confident that I can help my brother with his problems.

- I'm just driven to help people, especially people I consider worth helping... which is anyone who actively seeks healing.

- well it's not like I can be bright about everything. Especially not communication. I'm not delicate about most things. I think a major obstacle is that I'm not afraid of negative emotion, if "afraid" is the right word. I think most people want to avoid feeling sad, angry, or afraid, and so they avoid anything that might make them feel that way, including being honest about things. I kind of see negative emotion as necessary, though. Not to be confused with suffering: people can suffer from negative emotion, which I'd say is if you felt sad ALL the time, or the way I suffer from anxiety since I'm almost always anxious.

Yeah... I could leave my brother to his own devices but then I'd be restraining my will to help people out, lol. I just don't know what to do. How to communicate or even help out in a less direct way.

Reading what you have said in all your replies about this it seems to me that you find your own way forward by helping other people thats a simple deduction I suppose but interesting and useful to you. I dont know what kind of relationship you have with your brother if you can talk easily and openly but it seems like a good place to start is to allow him to help you..now I know that sounds weird but if you let him know he is helping you then he could learn to move forward as you are doing.

I know the whole idea is to help him and by doing that both of you get to feel better however I think it might need for you to be less powerful and more humble around him, let your guard down a little and accept that he has things to teach you. He may see you as a highly intelligent strong person, maybe just a little intimidating and knowing that you need something from HIM might allow him to grow and that could allow the two of you to feel closer and more confident around each other and communicate more easily.

Have you told him that you feel you are not good at communication, what do you think he would say about that?

Is he happy, do you think he needs or wants to change? or do you need him to change?

- That is an interesting idea. I'll probably try it. Helping people I guess is what I learned from martial arts. It was a great reason to keep going even when I was very depressed. I thought as I recovered I would feel less like I needed to help people, but it gets stronger instead. shrug

I'm pretty sure he is not happy, because he pursues so many outlets for self-healing, including paying shamans to take him on vision quests. He says he hates his job and certainly acts like it. He has never had any luck with women (his longest relationship was 2 weeks) and might not even be straight, though if he isn't, he doesn't know it either. I've told him I'm not good at communicating but I doubt he believes me, because I've won English awards in the past (though I personally don't think being able to write fiction has anything to do with being able to communicate emotion, but I guess I can see how he in particular would make that kind of connection).

I do ask him questions about some things, like how to cook meat since I wasn't able to eat it for the longest time. But maybe I could add in that he knows a lot about cooking, or whatever else I ask him about. I know our mom used to criticize him really harshly for not being able to figure things out, or not knowing things, so it probably brings up a lot of bad memories. Do you think if I say the opposite of what our mom used to say, it might do something? I'm honestly not sure.

I'm also afraid to try things because our way of dealing with problems is different. If I'm afraid of water I'll jump into the ocean. If I'm afraid of bullies I'll play World of Warcraft on a PvP server. Y'know?

I think you are on the right track - asking about cooking or anything else that you can think of, making him feel useful and has something positive to offer Im hoping is the key. Most people find that helpful and for once I have a feeling you are similar in that way to one another.

not being able to hold a relationship for more than a couple of weeks at his age does tend to look like he is struggling to behave in a way other people find comfortable and postive. I suppose he craves a 'normal' relationship with someone but hasnt got the background to allow him to know how to do that. He might also be pushing people away subconscously for fear of what a normal relationship might be, given his past.

As you said getting him to some kind of positive therapy could help but finding a way to help him see it as a positive step is not going to be easy.

If he is your closest person and you are his its possible that you could appeal to his caring qualities to get him there, perhaps not now but in the future, a time might come up when he tells you he is not happy or there is a problem and you then might have a chance to let him know that you care enough to want him well as he is so important in your life. Often people will begin treatment for the sake of others so they can be good fathers mothers carers in the other persons life etc.

Letting him know that you are doing your best to be a positive person in his life might help him to realise that he could offer do the same for you and even better if he gets help on how to do that.

obviously I dont know either of you but I do feel quite optimistic for you both because basicly you have each other and you seem such a determined person :)

- well I think the challenge would be really focusing on how he is helpful. He does his best, I can appreciate that. Could focus on that.

As for other relationships... I only really know 2 or 3 of his friends. None of them are the kind of people I'd want associating with him because they are all self-serving as well as intelligent. There's only 1 I personally don't like, though she is the girlfriend of one of the other friends so maybe she doesn't count. Her and her boyfriend pick on my brother a lot, saying that they're just fooling around, but my brother is clearly uncomfortable with most of what they say to him. They make him watch horror movies or play horror games even though they depress him, and they find that funny. With people like that, you're not supposed to tell them your weaknesses (horror movies in this case), but my brother doesn't seem to understand that yet.

The third friend isn't nearly as bad, and I personally think he's awesome, but he is still a little bit sleazy so I'm suspicious about how he would treat my brother. It's hard to tell with this one though, since I haven't hung out with him nearly as much. The other 2 my brother hangs out with at LEAST once a week.

So my point is I don't think I have a good sample size for how my brother gets along with others. With strangers I think he acts outgoing and polite. If he sees a pretty girl he says really funny, awkward but not rude, stuff (wish I could think of an example). He doesn't dress very well though, and frankly he sometimes looks like a hobo. I also don't think he knows how to brush his teeth properly. But I'm not sure any of these things are major deterences... I could be wrong. Obviously I'm very used to my brother now, so I don't think I can say what kind of impression he makes on strangers.

To be honest I don't consider him my closest person, although he once was, when we were in trouble and had no friends. I just feel like although we were once close, it was because we had no choice. I don't feel like he actually knows who I am. He has no idea who my friends are, or how many of them I have, or that I'm outgoing in the first place. He doesn't understand my suffering or the amount of effort I put into anything. He doesn't understand that I'm a determined person, with many passions and interests, doesn't understand my aspirations, or my problem-solving ability. If I say anything positive about myself he puts me down. If I say anything negative about myself he gets angry. I often feel like there is no point speaking to him about anything outside small talk.

Out of the people I know- including his own friends- I think my brother knows me the least. I wouldn't be surprised if his friend and his friend's girlfriend say a lot of bullshit about me when I'm not there, mostly because they do it with everybody else, and are almost always wrong about everything they say (maybe on purpose, cheeky bastards); however, my brother doesn't know they are wrong. The guy seems to be his hero, because he is talented, above average in intelligence, and confident.

I would not say they are "bad" people. But they are the kind of people you NEED to understand if you want to be friends with them, or they will use you. My brother doesn't have that kind of capacity. All I was able to do was befriend the guy and ignore the girl, who is often ignored anyway. Now I think my brother tries to be respectful toward the girl, but no one respects her so he is on the fence about it. Frankly, no one respects her because she never has anything kind or helpful to say.

WELL that was a long story... sorry about that. All this stuff is probably what I'm worried about most atm.

sounds like you have almost taken on a maternal role with your brother without wanting to or meaning to which is understandable as he seems a little vulnerable and you have been in a a postion with him when you were perhaps the only people looking out for each other when there should have been parents doing that job.

worrying about the kind of friends he has is understandable I suppose you are worried that they are using him or taking advantage in small ways. Some people do put others down and get a buzz out of it and your brother really doesnt need that but I suppose he doesnt want to lose his friends and feels unable to say stop that as they would make a big deal of it etc.

On the other hand the fact that he does have friends is positive. Some people are just not able to connect with other people and make relationships after an abusive childhood. It could be hard for your brother not to fall into the role of victim in his relationships which sounds really horrible but victim can be as light as people just being teased lightly in a group.

I have a feeling that because of his past he naturally finds himself becoming the butt of jokes and the fall guy. Its possible for him to change this but its not likely to happen unless he recognises it and works on it which I dont think is going to happen just yet.

For now I can see this being hard for you because you are naturally worried for him and feel protective he is lucky to have you around by the way.

Being positive about him and his good points is probably the best thing you can do, gradually that will help build his confidence and offset any negative stuff he is getting elsewhwere - obviously you dont want to go over the top but it can be the small things that add up, for example you come in soaking wet and he offers to make you a warm drink you make a point of letting him know you are glad he is around and that the drink is just right.

- yeah right on. I think it's kind of wierd to act nice, but there are some people I act nice around anyway, so it's not a big deal to change habits imo. Hopefully I can pull it off. Thanks a bundle~

You are doing your best, no one can ask more than that, it cant be a negative so any positives are a bonus. Good luck