MY STORY: How can anyone expect to me just forget a traumatic event? It’s bound to stay with me for the rest of my life, the curse of even loving an abuser. The outsiders, unless they have been right where I’ve been, hasn’t the slightest clue. There’s no amount of comfort in the words “I’m sorry,” feels more like a slap to the face, really. Great gesture, but again, absolutely no comfort. How am I to even describe in the simplest way; the void I feel? The fact is that I’m dragging in this world for some type of validation that I am not crazy for feeling the way I do! Everywhere I look, I see all the happy faces; I snarl and think, lucky YOU. Oh, here comes the whirlwind of emotions. How dare I think that way? Can I get anymore selfish than that? But here’s the catch, I know I’m not that selfish... I just want to be that happy face AGAIN. Maybe it’s more of an envious emotion that I’m feeling. Who knows, I’m still trying to put all the pieces of my life back together. Were there signs up to this? I would be lying if I said no. But, kudos for his small amount of intelligence to see that my weakness is that I have the mentality of: things can get better (and somehow with a glimmer of hope, I still believe that), I stood by his side because I thought things could change, but never did I think it would go far as me grasping for air, or my head just pulsating inside by the force of his hands dragging me by the hair onto the ground, or the sting of his fist as it cut into my vision. I don’t think that memory will ever go away. I have to carry it with me as much as I’d love to just forget it, the science of the brain doesn't allow me to, the science of emotion doesn't allow me to. Am I wrong for once in my life of living, that I actually HATE the person who put me through this? Someone who stripped me from my pride, my dignity, my integrity, my self-worth, my self-esteem, my hope, my dreams, my sleep, my joy, my thoughts.. MY LIFE! The truth is, if you asked me what I wanted more than anything, I would stare straight into your eyes and tell you boldly, I just want myself back. Even though this battle I've faced started within only two months or so ago, I still have to face the man that did this to me. Talk about anxiety at its finest. I have to stand in that stand and watch the prosecutors prosecute the one to be blamed for this. My mouth has to speak in the rhythm of truth as I collect the data stored from my mind, how can I not flinch at the sight of the person in the same damn room I will be in? I’m not going to lie, to those who haven’t faced it, seen it... I've been in the same very shoes as to regards for knowing the severity of domestic violence... not even the slightest clue how damaging this issue is. What’s the whole purpose of me just spilling my heart contents out, especially on here, for crying out loud, BECAUSE domestic violence should be made AWARE of, BECAUSE no WOMAN, MAN, or CHILD should have to live with this or face this. If I can somehow open another person's eyes by either helping them get out or for others to reach out a hand to those who are most likely at their lowest. You best believe I will write this a million times over.

Let me go ahead and throw some staggering statistics at you:

MEN: (not a lot of statistics due to the nature that men usually either don’t tell or figure that it wouldn't be believable) Number of men in the U.S. who report intimate partner violence: 1 in 7

WOMEN: Number of women who will experience partner violence worldwide: 1 in 3 Women account for two out of three murder victims killed by an intimate partner. The number of women killed by an intimate partner fell from 43% in 1980 to 38% in 1995, but rose to 45% in 2008. Number of women killed everyday in the U.S. by a spouse: 3+

CHILDREN: Estimated number of children, worldwide, exposed to domestic violence everyday: 10,000,000 Children who live in homes where there is domestic violence also suffer abuse or neglect at high rates (30% to 60%). Children exposed to domestic violence at home are more likely to have health problems, including becoming sick more often, having frequent headaches or stomachaches, and being more tired and lethargic. Children are more likely to intervene when they witness severe violence against a parent – which can place a child at great risk for injury or even death.

What's it like living with PTSD (usually goes hand in hand with domestic violence...perhaps another inevitable of life)? There is absolutely no way to come close to describing the amount of pressure it places on a person's life, but maybe an insight...

IN MY WORDS: Imagine a book falling away at the seams, all the words that were written on the page to make the book its own, stripped away from all the water diluting it. There's still pictures somehow (a visual), but it'll take time to rewrite that book all over again. Imagine all your nightmares, actually reality... you never know when those nightmares/flashbacks will occur; almost like Russian roulette, but no way in winning. Imagine your smile masked by temporary, because in your heart lives the damage that seems to not go away. Imagine your views of the world, corrupted as you question, can you really trust anyone in this world? Imagine fear, as you are scared that your perpetrator may one day just go after you for revenge. Imagine your relationships held by insecurity, because the way you view everything is completely distorted but there's nothing you can do about it. Imagine your life changed because of one person, and when I say change, that is for the negative.

Now here are the medically documented symptoms: (mayo-clinic)

Intrusive memories Symptoms of intrusive memories may include: Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks) Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the event Avoidance Symptoms of avoidance may include: Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event Negative changes in thinking and mood Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include: Negative feelings about yourself or other people Inability to experience positive emotions Feeling emotionally numb Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed Hopelessness about the future Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event Difficulty maintaining close relationships Changes in emotional reactions Symptoms of changes in emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include: Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior Always being on guard for danger Overwhelming guilt or shame Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast Trouble concentrating Trouble sleeping Being easily startled or frightened Intensity of symptoms PTSD symptoms can vary in intensity over time. You may have more PTSD symptoms when you're stressed in general, or when you run into reminders of what you went through. For example, you may hear a car backfire and relive combat experiences. Or you may see a report on the news about a sexual assault and feel overcome by memories of your own assault.

CLOSING THOUGHTS: Instead of acting upon judgment, which most of the time is wrong, when someone reaches out in anyway, bring the compassion. The words sorry will not help in anyway. But your actions can make all the difference in the world. While their health physically may not always be noticeable, the person who faced domestic violence is facing a mental health crisis. While, you may have never faced something like this, even if in no way it affects you, I would think you wouldn't want anything like this to happen to anyone. If you see someone facing it, believe me they don't want to be in it, but fear and distorted view of love prevents them from reaching out. So do the right thing and save a life here before it's too late. So often, we think only one person can do anything to bring a flood of change... but if you go back to our history, the examples of activists for women's rights, equality, civil rights... there was never just a leader with no crowd behind them. BRING CHANGE, BRING AWARENESS.

Works cited: (sources) domestic violence statistics http://www.huffingtonpost.com/soraya-chemaly/50-actual-facts-about-dom_b_2193904.html http://www.safehorizon.org/page/domestic-violence-statistics--facts-52.html

(sources) ptsd http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20022540

I'm terribly sorry that you had to go through this hug

I lived with violence all my childhood and teen years. I was 16 when it stopped to be physical but I still consider my father to be a criminal and for me he's dead. I suffer from borderline personality disorder and PTSD. I get those vivid nightmares that he kills me and stuff like that. My mom was also violent with me, but it didn't affect me as much.

Still not comfy to talk about it after 5 years. @ delicate

- Yes, domestic violence is something to bring awareness to. There are so many like you that have to suffer with the scars everyday.

Domestic violence has no boundaries. It can happen in any household. But, it's unfortunate when it's not taken seriously, because it's not the woman being abused by her male partner.

Case in point: my story. I was one of those abused children and a witness to my mother being abused. Who was the abuser? Like , it was my father. Not only was it physical, it was also verbal and emotional. However, my mother didn't care about me. She abandoned me to escape my father, but left me with him. Fortunately, he died 8 years ago before he could fulfill his homicidal tendencies.

But, that wasn't the end of my abuse. Since then, I've been living with an abusive mother. And, she was forced to let me move in with her, because I was 15 at the time and the court decided it was too dangerous for me to stay with my father.

At age 23, she is as bad as ever. Her main thing is verbal abuse, mixed in with physical. A few weeks ago, I refused to let her use my laptop and she kicked me in the shins. Since then, she refuses to talk to me and gives me a death glare whenever I walk near her. I feel unsafe living with her. I'm not sure if she'll snap one day. And, I can't count on my stepfather to protect me. After all, he's my mother's puppet.

I've been trying for over a year to get out of here. I haven't had enough money to afford to move. Shelters have refused me, because either I don't fit their "criteria" despite them recognizing I'm in an abusive household or because I didn't want to convert to Christianity. My ex refused to let me live with him, because he's a selfish asshole. My bf wants me to move in with him, but his parents refuse.

I'm currently working 3 jobs, but 2 of them are completely dependent on events, which means work is sparse. I do have a stable part time job, but I just started. I'm trying so hard to get out of here, but no one but my bf, friends, and therapist believes the situation is bad enough. I feel stuck.

I've experienced all of the symptoms you listed. I also had terrible social anxiety. But, a lot has been greatly reduced thanks to therapy and medication. I still do have trouble realizing that people care about me and wild mood swings, but it's being worked on. I don't think I'll be able to fully recover until I'm out of contact with my family, but I'm doing my best right now.