I have this friend (We'll call her K) who has this friend (They'll be A) who is someone I've only met a couple of times and who, honestly, I thought hated me. She was kind of standoffish and..well..bitchy, to put it plainly. But I was talking to K yesterday and she told me something about A that really explains why A was standoffish and not friendly towards me. A apparently has just come out as...oh, I know I'm going to mess this term up because I'm not familiar with such things...genderqueer? Maybe? I don't think that's it, but it sounds something like that...gender..something. (And I hope my non-intelligence over such things doesn't offend anyone. I really don't mean to offend.) Anyways, A used to go by their given name and now they go by a different name which is gender-neutral. The reason this was brought up is because K and I are going to ComicCon in a few months and A wants to go with us. K asked me if I was okay with that and I said yeah, even though she knows that I think that A hates me. That was when K told me all about what was going on with A, although I'm not allowed to let A know that K told me. I'm cool with it, I mean, people are people. I don't have a problem with anyone unless they're asshats. So I'm willing to give this person a clean slate and another chance. We'll see how it goes.

I don't really know why I'm even posting this, lol. I've just never known anyone who is anything but straight, gay, or bi. I didn't really even think about there being any other...options? Ways-of-being? I don't know the lingo. Please don't shoot me.

So...yeah. I don't know how I'm going to remember to use the correct pronouns though. A apparently likes 'they' 'their' etc. instead of female pronouns. But since I'm not supposed to know...should I use 'they' and all or what? Or I could just use their name I suppose. Probably the safest route. shrug I'm just...a very nice person (lol) and I don't want to cause anyone else sadness or harm.

Post what you will. Just don't be an ass please, ok? Ok.

Don't feel bad those are basically the only terms I have known people to be. But to my surprise there is much more out there, and google is my best friend, because I have no idea either. I almost feel like people googled a term in the first place and they were like "yep!!! that's me and I am unique sounds good to me, so I confuse everyone else and be special."

Don't feel bad. It's hard to wrap your head around if it's not you that is in the situation. I have a friend who identifies as gender fluid. It's really hard to tell with people what gender they are identifying as each day, if it changes, if they don't tell you and you have no way to tell.

Love, it happens. It's best just to learn quickly and move on if you can. I've had people get offended at me for asking what pronouns they prefer and I just want to ask them if they expect me to be clairvoyant about it or what.

It's even more "fun" when they don't tell you at all then get really offended when you slip up.

I wouldn't fret about it to much. Just refer to them as how they appear (female pronouns, I'm guessing) until they or someone else in their presence corrects you. Then you see what they prefer, rather than your friend having to secretly take you aside without their knowledge. If they get uppity then fuck 'em, not worth the effort pussyfooting around someone with that thin a skin.

DOUBLE POST :^DDDDD whoops

I think that if you are going to be spending more time with A that maybe you friend K should be encouraging to A to inform you in some sort of way of how they'd like you to address them. I'd also say that if you have questions ask A. Let them know that you're quite clueless on the subject and that you wouldn't want to address them in a way that makes them uncomfortable.

Of course this can only happen if A comes to you and tell you themselves since K was apparently not allowed to share this information in the first place. If A is unwilling to go to you about it themselves then they have no real reason to be too upset if you were to misgender them.

I do suggest doing your best to use they/them/their around them since you do know but if you do slip up and use feminine pronouns then you shouldn't worry yourself mad because I think in that situation A should speak up about their preference.

Also with this being something they're just coming to terms with themselves when they do decide to talk to you about it listen to them and wait until they're done speaking. Them coming out is probably something they've rehearsed so it's important that they do it how they want. Once they're done ask them if you could ask them quests, ie - how they prefer their pronouns used, maybe a couple examples to help you understand more.

Again, encourage K to talk to A on the matter. It was important enough for K to go against A asking not to share so I'm sure K would be willing to do what they can to let them know it would be a positive thing to come out to you and to help work up A's courage to do so. Also, it would probably be best not to let A know, probably ever, that K broke their trust.

~

My only experience in something of a similar nature was when I was first coming out and I was so afraid to come out to my best friend at the time however I had another friend, also queer, who knew that my best friend was also in the closet and she'd come out to him recently. This made me feel better about coming out to her, knowing that it was safe to do so, and the next time I saw her I came out to her, she them came out to me.

Thanks. Good advice. :)

[edit] Lot MUAHAHAHAHA XD

Im not sure why this person A gave you the impression they disliked you and were nasty to you, being gender queer really isnt an excuse to be bitchy. They may be going through issues but thats not your fault.

I think you are being very kind hearted to offer them the chance to be friends and start fresh but if you feel they are horrible to you at this next outing I think you should think again about being around them.

If what K told you about them is a secret then you are best to use the term for them that thier clothing indicates, if they are dressed as a girl use she, if they are unhappy with that they can politely let you know and you can do your best to use the term they prefer after that.

My partner is trans and we have a lot of 'different' friends :) being 'gender something' really isnt ever and excuse to act like a bitch to others.

I wonder if they are just a bit jealous of the friendship between you and K, perhaps a little insecure.

Oh, I will be forgetting them if they're bitchy at this con we're going to. Anyone who messes up a con for me does not get another chance, lol. I think they were acting so bitchy because of how their family was treating them when they came out to them. I can totally understand that. I would assume it's not an easy thing to do. They probably are a little insecure about my and K's friendship because we've been friends since middle school and we're past college now. But I'm always open to new friends and I want them to know that.

sounds good to me, hope the con is brilliant :D

these things take time to learn, some people don't learn about them until they're well into their 20s.

Although if I can take a moment to educate.. Straight, gay, or bi are all sexual orientations. Those are about who you like (and there are plenty more options than just those three, too). Something like genderqueer is that person's gender, like male or female, and those are about who you are. They're semi-related I suppose, but two different categories.

It's great that you want to help A be comfortable and get along with them. Unfortunately, when someone comes out without being super publicly out, that kind of thing is generally told in confidence and I don't think K should have told you if A wasn't comfortable with it. I think you shouldn't let on that you know unless A says something about it directly. Otherwise they would probably be upset with K for telling you :<

I really do hope that the con is fun and that everything works out with you all!

I'm going to echo the statement of keep addressing A as you know them to be. Don't alter how you talk to them until they talk to you about how they want to be addressed. So if you know her as female talk as such. It's really on her to let you know her new found life changes.

I have a gay friend I've known by one name since I met him. That's how I've always addressed him despite his 38726386523875 name change preferences. Not once has he corrected me, but I'm also the ONLY friend he lets use the name he gave when he moved here. He's changed his name for drag shows and new friend groups and to sound more "exotic" and a whole smear of reasons. If he's ever been upset over it he's never said it to me or even acted like it.

So you could have one of two cases, either she will be chill with you addressing her as you know her to be or she will talk to you about it (or not and just fume in quiet). Either way it's on her to do what needs to be done because while it's nice you want her to feel ok she also needs to have the same respect to you and making sure you are ok in her wanting to be addressed differently now. Even if you can't understand what she wants the very least is a mutual talk of what's going on and coming to terms between the two of you.