Sorry for the wall in advance.

I've come to the point where I've realized that, no matter how much I'm trying to act and genuinely be happy, I'm not and can't pretend to be anymore. I've always denied my problems, because I was taught to think they were miniscule, that they didn't matter. I've reached my breaking point, and I don't know where to go from here.

This realization came to me very recently, when I finally came to terms with my sexuality. All my life, I've been confused about it, trying to convince myself otherwise, but there's no denying it anymore. I am asexual, yet at the same time, I'm attracted to girls. I am also a girl. I've always known this, but growing up, I was raised to believe that it's wrong so I lived in denial of it. I've never told anyone.

Problems keep piling on, problem after problem. I like someone to the point of obsession. I can't stop thinking about her. She's on my mind 24/7, and it's driving me insane. I've known her for several years now, never had any feelings of any type for her, until a little while ago. We're not close by any means; I'm lucky if she actually knows my name. My infatuation with her is eating away at my sanity, I feel like. She's also possibly moving next year, and the thought of her leaving is tearing away at me. I feel like I'm genuinely going insane.

All of this, coupled with the additional stress of life, is bringing to a dangerously low point. I'm hurting those around me because of my own pain and struggles. As cliche as it sounds, I absolutely despise what I'm becoming. I'm afraid of myself. I don't know what to do. Giving up seems like the easiest option at this point, but I'm not thinking rationally so I'm not going to do this. I also suffer from depression, OCD, BPD, and other things. My mind feels like a war zone. I haven't self-harmed in ages, but I feel myself wanting to revert to it again to help me cope. Not a soul on earth knows about everything that's going on with me, besides all of you, and I don't have the guts to tell anyone. I'm angry, frustrated, and confused, mostly at myself. In my mind, I know none of this is my fault; but deep down, I think it is. I honestly just feel like utter shit. I feel worthless and useless.

I apologize for the bleakness of this post, but I don't know what else to do. I just needed to get everything off my chest, I suppose.

- I know the feeling of wanting to give up on life. Hurting yourself is not going to make things better... only worse. Also, I used to feel like everything is my fault. I was only able to realize I was wrong after going to therapy.

Maybe you should talk to this girl you like? You never know how she feels about you unless you talk.

Another thing to consider is therapy and medication. Not sure if you're doing any of that, but if you're not, it might help you a lot.

I actually have a lot in common with you. I have no idea if you were seeking for help/someone to listen to you/ or just get it out of your system.

But anyway, I'll gladly listen because I've gone through similar things. (and still going through).

Thank you both for your replies - sorry for the late response, been busy.

I realize that it doesn't make anything better, but it's become almost compulsory for me, you know? It's become my only source of relief from all of this. But I am trying to stop, slowly working my way towards progress. Luckily, it's not yet an addiction, simply something to take my mind off of things.

Honestly, I don't know if she wants to talk to me. She's really outgoing and I feel like if she wanted to talk to me, she would. I don't know, I'm so confused over my own feelings. I want to talk to her, but at the same time, I don't want to annoy her by trying. I don't know her very well either; we've never had a full conversation or exchanged more than a few words. I'm so used to being blown off that I guess it's really made me retreat into myself, if that makes sense. Being blown off by her as well would crush me more than I could deal with right now.

I'm not sure if I could go through with therapy. I have an extreme fear of anyone finding any of this out, and I feel like therapy would just increase this chance. I'm definitely keeping it in consideration though, just in case.

Honestly I'm just looking for a lending ear. No one in my life knows about any of this, and bottling it up is just becoming detrimental. Thanks so much for being willing to listen... you have no idea how much it means to me. I hope things get better for you as well; it's horrid to go through anything like this and I'd never wish it on anyone.

Again, thank you both for listening. It means a lot to me. I thought I was making progress, but recently things have been going bad again and I just don't know what to do.

- No worries... real life is more important than Subeta.

I can understand using self-harm as a way to take your mind off of things. It's something I do with sleeping. Sometimes, I want to sleep the day away just to avoid the outside world. But, sleeping all day and self-harming are not healthy coping methods. Have you tried taking walks outside? Listening to music? Drawing, writing, playing video games, or whatever you're into? These coping methods can really help.

When I was younger, I was a hermit. I was able to break out of that last year. I've realized not everyone will ignore me. It's the same case with you. Someone who is really interested in you will not ignore you.

Therapy is a safe place to let all of this out. I really think you should just go for it before things get worse. In addition, you may need medication if you're not taking any already.

I know relapses all too well. I had one a few weeks ago, and felt ending everything. Luckily, I'm still here, because things have gotten so much better. You'll have ups and downs... it's just a part of all of this. Hang on... there's something better on the way.