this is... (almost a rant?) im going to divulge quite a bit about myself thats all...

my stomach is knotted and twisted and i nearly made myself vomit with all the mental stewing i was doing. after i had talked to a professor about my career in biology he mentioned building a research career around something personal... quickly what came to mind was my father (who currently is in and out of the hospital and [though not explicitly diagnosed] very very likely has cirrhosis). though research in the realm of addiction both biologically and psychologically would certainly be a rather passionate subject for me to undertake it leaves me rather bitter... i dont have the best relationship with him nor the greatest memories of him. he was never the one to physically abuse (though i always feared it) he was more of an emotional and psychologically abusive person starting from when i was about 10 on. yelling at me to come down and not saying a word and ignoring me as i looked around absolutely confused not knowing what i did until he just says "look around!" i look some more still utterly confused until he calls me a F***ing retard and tell me to close the kitchen cabinet or put a cup from the sink into the washer. sometimes he would keep me in the kitchen until midnight until i figured out what i did and get more pissed off at me the longer i sad confused and scared. or even keep me late lecturing me about how financial stuff about the house works and telling me how i dont "UNDERSTAND" anything and any time i fidgeted with my hands or broke eye contact i would be yelled at (i had ADHD and still do and i very often dont notice my fidgets and when i glance all over the place when holding a conversation). most of the time it would be drawn out because i was so scared my mind would go blank and my only response was "i dont know" to which he would always retort "I DONT KNOW IS NOT AN ANSWER" and when i didnt respond it would only piss him off further.

dont get me wrong there were certainly good memories... but the bulk of my memories of him are these in addition to later on of him fall down drunk every time i got home when i was in my later years in highschool. up till now he is yellow and weak and wanders the house like a ghost making a mess when he tries to cook and taking lots of prescribed medication... in addition to this we are financially under water... my mother works endless hours on her feet while having arthritis and heel spurs as well as machinery in her ankle from a surgery a few years ago. my job pays a lot but opportunities to work are sparse and finding another job is impossible and im in college anyway.

the thought provoked by that professor about finding a passion just sparked this emotional explosion in me. i feel slightly less lucid and shaky and i feel as though id been punched in the stomach... i may as well have been, because it seems as though my emotional bottle is trying to uncork itself. maybe these are the repercussions of suppressing emotions. i never thought i needed to talk to anyone because i was always "fine". my emotions are manifesting into physical pain and i dont know what to do about it. some primal feelings lurk below the surface too... angry, animalistic feelings like wanting to rip something apart, break a chair to pieces, or put fist through my wall.

anyone who cared to real that whole spiel... leave what advice you think may help... even just a note of reassurance i dont care i just need SOMETHING right now.

Edit: im certainly feeling a bit better though my stomach is still hurting. Just naturally supressing my feelings... any advice would still be helpful and appreciated.

Al-Anon. You and your mom need to be in it yesterday. I wish you and your mom the best of luck. I have not experienced alcoholism in my family, but you can PM me if you ever need to talk again.

its not so simple as an alcoholics meeting anymore. my father is too sick to walk around the house let alone drink anymore, but thanks anyway. it pains my heart to hear my mom cry at night. none of us know what to do and my father doesnt seem to care much about anything... my dog will try to cheer him up but he does nothing but yell at her...

i guess theres not much anyone can do to help. we just have to get through it... :

It's not for him, it's for you. Al anon is for people who have alcoholics in their family.

I honestly have no clue what it's like to be in your family situation right now, but I do know what it's like to be emotionally so messed up that you're experiencing physical pain because of it. The best advice I can offer is to find someone or something to help you. Don't try to get through this alone, ask for help before you really go crazy. You might consider seeing a therapist or something like the organisation Dandelina mentioned, where you can tell people how you feel, perhaps experience that you are not alone, and hopefully find your own way to get a grip on your emotions again. I wish you lots of courage and the best of luck!

thank you so much i will try to look into it.

Make it a priority. No one should have to feel the way he's made you feel.