I love subeta...It is my favorite place to be on the internet, I talk about it all the time to my friends and bf (who get tired of hearing about it) in a sense subeta is home to me...but just like my real home sometimes I don't feel welcome to be myself...This isn't meant to be a pity parade I just want to express myself and how I am feeling...

But I do want to say I feel alone in life and here on subeta. It seems that everyone knows everyone and everyone is willing to defend their friends against a newcomer, even if that newcomer (like myself) never meant to harm anyone. I've seen this before, when the last time I had the sb open in December last year...I left it because I was so upset. But it seems that you have to know a lot of people in order for anyone to care. But if you don't really know anyone...then no one does care. And I see this in my real life as well. I am pushed around and told no one cares/speak up if you want to be noticed...but once I do try to speak up...or if I lash out because no one notices me or I am getting frustrated then everyone points their guns at me because...well "David is disposable" I guess. And in life I feel that way...but on games I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to sit in my room and sob because no one cares. I want to make friends and say hi to them and them care if I'm on or not...because I care. I sit outside or I sit on my computer watching the sb, and I care about how people feel. I try to help but no one wants it. I see other people have opinions and I want to tell mine (because I don't get to talk to people in the real world about my opinions and feelings) but the minute I do I'm called the bad guy and told I can't have it...

And people think well your just a cry baby and want attention...but...I literally have to be noticed even by one person...because if I don't I start to have a panic attack. In my mind I realize that I am alone and it scares me, it makes me cry and my lungs begin to close up and I just freak out because of it...it's always been like that. When pushed around in school and ignored I would start to panic, and even then no one cared.

I'm not going to lie I get jealous when I see people on here who get sympathy for everything...and me, I get ignored or told yeah whatever...never in my life have I ever been told I'm sorry that happened...or everything will be okay and that person actually mean it, not having it be some auto response. And I know someone will say but maybe it's because no one knows you...I try to be known. But there are people who even have told me they don't want to know me...am I really that bad of a person that I should just be alone the rest of my life? Because I'm starting to think that maybe I am garbage and there is no use for me left...I mean that's what everyone sees...

I'm sorry. Please don't read this the wrong way. I know there are people on here who are nice, and I have 'friends' on here but I don't even talk to them...I don't even know how most of them got on my friends list truth be told (amnesia: another story another day if I remember). I am upset because I may of upset others and also this isn't the first time I felt like this on here, and defentely not the first time I felt like this in life. And you can ignore this thread (I'm sure you will guys) and I'm fine with that. I just wanted to put out there why I feel like this and I want to explain my behavior if it ever upsets anyone...because when I upset people it upsets me...I'm scared I will be misunderstood and upset the wrong person and be banned.

Life is cruel, you have to stand up for yourself. SB didn't work? Try the forums. People think you're a pity thing? Stand up for yourself. I don't think you should give a damn about what people think of you or how they see you. The internet is wild, one of the best place to hide behind a screen and insult people. There is nothing we can do about it. I suggest you to see someone irl, peharps a therapist? Someone with who you are comfortable and someone that will be able to give you help about your panic attack and this tendency to belittle yourself. I don't do pity, you should never seek pity from anyone. If you really want to overcome how you feel right now, stand up for yourself. I don't know you, but you're probably worth it.

I'm very sorry for how you feel, but I can relate at least on a Subeta level. I left for a few years and lost touch with a lot of my friends on here who have either deleted, moved on or unfriended me for my absence (and ultimately left anyways). I always feel sad when I see tight knit friends on here because it makes me miss mine.

As for real life, I think you really need to seek helping yourself instead of relying on others. I've moved recently, lost all my closest friends, my parents divorced and my anxiety and depression have gotten worse. I've been feeling very alone and unnecessary. I only have my boyfriend to rely on but he can't support me forever. I've been seeking help for myself and it has been VERY difficult but I think it will help you more than if you relied on someone else to give you attention. Like mentioned, a therapist would be extremely beneficial. One has been helping me. =]

And, if you need a friend I am more than willing to be one.

- Something I've learned is you never need to be alone. Speaking up on here is a great first step! See the people that have responded? They care about your well being.

The SB can be a harsh place. But, there are nice people on there. It just depends on how lucky you are.

Like the others have said, see a therapist if you can. I saw one, and it changed my life. I was able to overcome my depression and social anxiety.

I hope you feel better. :)

I'm sorry for being late in reply...things have been...better I guess. Not really in rl, and a little better in subeta...plus mentioned by everyone: I can't afford a therapist right now and I don't really like them even though I know not all are bad. I really don't like it when people tell me to see one, since I was little that was an insult used against me...making jokes telling me I need to see help or I needed to go to a nut house...it upsets me when people even suggest going to a therapist...I have had bad experiences with them before (when I was 10 one let another kid yell at me all she wanted and didn't do anything until I mentally broke down and banged my head against the wall because no one would help me)

Forums are usually my last option...I am a social person but past experiences kind of warn me again going to forums to be social or chats...

I'm sorry to hear that you lost a bunch of friends...I don't really have friends here just people I know...I don't know really how to make friends. The friends I make in rl (ones at anime cons) are just on accident and I don't know how they became my friends to be honest :/

I used to think I was alone, but I met my bf...but I have problems now I feel alone when he's at work and I have no friends to talk to in rl so I turn to online but that's hard too. I really didn't expect anyone to say anything, most people don't...and I'm really not that lucky XD I have some really bad luck and it's been that way my entire life, but not just friendship but just stuff in general (my bf doesn't believe in luck and says I'm being stupid about it, but my grandma agrees, she believes in that kind of stuff)

And I have a lot more problems than just anxiety and depression...one main problem that I know can't be cured is my Dissociative amnesia :( that I know causes a lot of sadness and anger in me...

Ah, I'm sorry if I offended you! I just thought I'd throw it out because I had never been keen on them either. It offended me when people suggested it to me, as well, because I grew up with ADHD which resulted in social anxiety so most of my peers didn't understand why I acted the way I did and always made comments like I'm crazy and needed a psych ward/therapist/etc. However, a trip to the ER from a panic attack changed my mind. Not only that but I didn't know I had ADHD or social anxiety until I took therapy. I don't know where you live but in my state we can get free healthcare and it covers therapy so it's worth looking into as a last option. But, again, it's not for everyone though I'm sorry if I upset you. :<

It's fine. I still keep in touch with a lot of them through social medias but I really miss having their physical company. Honestly I'm not entirely sure how I made most of my friends either now that I think about it?? Most of my friends I still keep in touch with were from band or when I had ADHD and was obliviously talkative. I still am, but. I only get to that point when someone approaches me.

No it's okay I know you didn't mean to. We don't get free healthcare here...I don't know what state you live in but I have never heard of a state that gives free healthcare...I only know Canada has free healthcare in North America...I would have to pay out of pocket for a therapist. But where I live there are only really Catholic or Christian therapists and I don't want to go to them because I am afraid of them being closed minded to me (I'm Pansexual and a transman, and I'm an atheist) and I know from experience many can't be too nice to people like me or try to help the wrong way. Not that there is anything wrong with Christian therapists! I am sure for the right person they can help but they aren't right for me...

I know the problems I have thankfully, which will make it easier to find a therapist who can help me with that...

I'm not too talkative in real life but online I can talk a lot. It isn't until I get to know someone and until I can tell if they aren't going to be a bad person to me or my friends then I will open up and talk about really everything. I only had really one friend from high school but we didn't talk to each other after we graduated...in college I had maybe a few friends but I only still talk to one every few months...:(

- I'm sorry... I didn't mean to insult you. But, I understand what you mean by the bullying... my mom used to say I needed mental help as an insult.

For the luck thing, what matters is what you believe, not your bf. You may have had bad luck, but you can turn bad luck into something good!

You may need medication, since you could have a chemical imbalance. I say this as someone who is taking anti anxiety/depression medication. It has helped me a lot. I used to be so bad that I couldn't even talk online or walk outside without having a panic attack. But, now, I like to talk to people!

It's okay sorry been busy...At least a few people on here understand. I used to take meds but they made me so tired and I have to get a new doctor who will put me on different ones...sorry this was short reply...I'm just sorta having a panic attack and my suicidal thoughts are back...I love subeta but this is what it does to me...or at least the people on it...

Also don't worry when I say I have those kinds of thoughts, I do but I haven't acted on them since I was in high school. I have a fear of pain and prefer not to hurt myself too much, except if I'm angry I will punch the wall and hurt my hand but that's all now :(

- No worries. Maybe you should just keep to yourself here, so you don't have to be triggered by the people. Just sMail the people you feel comfortable talking to so you're not alone. :)

And I understand the suicidal thoughts but having no intent on acting on them. I was feeling that way yesterday. Try punching a pillow instead so you don't hurt your hand.

Well the problem is I don't know many people and the people I do talk to on sMail either want something from me or yell at me for something I did >< I have been trying to find more people on the forums, but yet again I have been mistaken for another player from before...and it looks like they were well known, (idk bad or good reasons) and I get upset when I'm mistaken for them cause that means I'm just being noticed because people think I'm them...

And I know...I have had anger problems in the past but I try to deal with them....

- Oh geez, you have been unlucky. The people that just want something from you are not worth communicating to. The ones who yell at you are not understanding of your situation. They're not good people to talk to... just keep things simple with them.

Mistaken identity is not fun at all. It's annoying, but something you can't control. I'm sure some people would still want to talk to you after finding out you're not that user.

It's a real struggle to control anger. It seems like you're doing a great job!

I thought I had replied...:( I'm sorry...

IDk people are talking to me more and I try to talk to people on the forums but sometimes I feel like I'm just looked over by them...like I try to talk to other people instead of just people I ping but they tend to ignore me in the chat thread I'm in unless I know them or ping them...

I have issues with being mistaken for someone cause it then reminds me that I am not unique and that I am most likely just copying someone else...:(

Well in rl it's easier for me to get angry at things, I get frustrated more than anything due to my inability to really communicate too well in rl or people simply ignoring me. I usually start to yell then everyone asks me why I'm yelling and I get pissed from there...

- No worries. :)

Everyone is different, but there's overlaps in how people behave, their interests, etc. I'm sure you're not intentionally copying anyone, so no need to feel bad about yourself.

I used to have a problem with controlling my anger and getting my point across without yelling at people.