So I have an anxiety disorder. I've had it for a very long time, but I remember having confidence before I was 5 and experiencing its gradual degeneration. I remember it happening because I didn't understand when people became upset. I like to think of myself as a very logical person, unfortunately when it comes to emotions, I consider myself legitimately retarded... but not unable to empathize. I feel what other people feel, but I don't understand why the feelings exist. I don't know how to address them, or how to help people at all. I just see the pain and suffering and I never know what to do. Of course I always try the logical approach... "if you just opened your eyes, you'd see how reality is, and learn to accept it for how it is, and learn how to overcome it" is always the standard advice I try to give. But then I always want to clap a hand over my mouth because I end up pissing everyone off. I'm just... so bad at this emotional game people play.

So naturally, whenever I was around people, I'd start to get nervous. I'd look at them and I'd know something is up... something almost always is. People always bury stuff. And I know I was just the person to make it even worse.

Now the problem is this anxiety has reached crippling proportions. I can't go outside... I can barely cook or clean or do anything at all, because I know making one mistake that someone can see after a bad day would set them off. Let's make something clear: I did not have a normal childhood. I never cared for my mother, who was always angry about everything I did, and accused me of being "selfish", "uncaring", etc. I pitied my father, and consequently could not respect him, because he was always afraid of my mother. So there is trauma... namely in the form of trust issues, and a desperate desire to do everything myself. I don't want to rely on anyone and I hate being weak. To me, anxiety is a severe weakness. But to be even clearer, I don't have self-esteem issues. Anxiety is only one- albeit very controlling- trait, but I have plenty others I never want to change... even if no one can see those traits because of this blanket anxiety.

The worst part is when someone yells at me for not trying. When I was 9, I met a master of martial arts who was the first person I respected. He taught me to always do my best no matter what. So I always do my best... I don't give up. I'm persistent and stubborn as hell. He was the father I didn't have. Naturally when I'm trying my best and I'm told I'm not trying, it hurts quite a lot, even if I understand it's because people can't percieve my extreme weakness.

I'm just now thinking perhaps peoples angry outbursts have nothing to do with their overall opinions on a situation. I thought maybe I feel this way because I feel the anger, but I don't understand it. I went to psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, and counselors, as well as did a lot of solo studying, to try and understand these things. I also went to churches and consulted various religious persons. I had a mentor who was also a nun for many years, even though I never considered myself religious and she was aware of that. All I really took from these experiences was that I'm strange, and most people have something called an "inner demon" or an ego... everyone called it something different but ultimately it was all the same... and I really did not understand it.

I know it's strange to ask about this stuff on a forum but... sometimes professionals take themselves too seriously and overthink everything. I thought maybe an internet opinion could be a good piece to add to the puzzle. Or maybe I'm the one overthinking everything. My point is, I'm in a terrible position in life. I'm desperate for help. I don't know if understanding this "inner demon" will help. I just don't know what else to do. Please offer your opinions and if you want, be as crazy as you like. I'm pretty desperate. A warning though... I tend to ask a lot of questions and I come off as argumentative. I apologize in advance.

Well, I do give myself props for doing some things right. I know what progress is and I pounce on it the instant I see it. The problem is no one else does, and since I depend on other people to see it in order to not be upset/hopeless for my situation, it really doesn't help anything except self-esteem.

I do want to try medicine, but at this point in time I'm depending on my brother who isn't very reliable. He's taken me to the clinic only twice in one year and only last week did I get a referal to a psychiatrist, which I haven't consulted in many years. Considering the wait times for psychiatrists here typically take longer than 1 year, this is not going well. And just so people know... my brother is a nice person, and is very sweet, but has always struggled even with passing subjects in school. In this sense we were opposites... I was normally too bored to care and if I was hassled enough I'd take average grades. Whatever it took to get teachers and my parents off my back.

I think part of the problem is my brother doesn't believe in conventional medicine, and thinks every societal system is corrupt; however, he doesn't understand that whether or not this is true is of no interest to me because medicine can and has helped those with anxiety disorders. Whether or not the side effects are "worth it" isn't for him to decide. I think he believes that I don't understand the side effects, instead of concluding that people are willing to take the medicine because yes, mental disorders really are that bad.

I could try to convince my brother otherwise, but I don't know how. Sometimes I explain simple things too simply and come off as condescending. Sometimes I explain complicated things too jokingly and come off as condescending. I just don't know how to talk to average people...

- I can understand what you mean by anxiety being crippling. I used to have terrible social anxiety. I couldn't speak in front of people, on the phone, or in a group. Anyone who got closer than 10 feet to me would make me panic. It got to the point where I couldn't go outside without getting a panic attack.

I went to therapy, and it didn't help with my anxiety. It actually got worse. But, then I decided to try medicine. And, like Majora, it has changed my life! I've been able to do everything I couldn't do before and more. Now, I have great friends, an amazing boyfriend, and can be a leader!

There's no such thing as an average person, because no one is normal. There's always going to be people who are more understanding of your condition than others. Just do your best to talk to your brother about it. Let him know how medicine has changed lives.