I wasn't going to post this here, but... on top of everything I realized that very few of my friends really give a damn about me. So. Here's to the magic of relative strangers.

I'm in New Zealand, whereas I'm usually in California, and I'm studying abroad here for the next six months. Since I've been here it's been really cold, for one, but also crap in my life has just been floundering ridiculously.

I'll start this by saying I don't really have a super fantastic relationship with a lot of people in my family. My relationship with my mom and sister are pretty good, with my dad and brother are mostly medicore, and everyone else I guess I can tolerate. I have been in a relationship for the last five years... but we will get to that :(

Basically the first week I was here I had someone lined up to take a look at and potentially buy my motorcycle back home, and I had my cousin, who seemed totally okay with helping me out, taking the paperwork and showing the bike. But the day before the guy was supposed to come up and take the bike, my cousin started holding his "favor" over my head because I was getting frustrated with my dad (who misplaced the paperwork). He basically sat there and badmouthed me for fifteen minutes by text, and when I retaliated saying none of those things were true, he basically said, "Nope, I'm doing you a favor, remember? You can't get sassy with me." So I told him to fuck of and I asked a friend to do it. Turns out it didn't matter anyway because the guy bailed because he didn't have the money for the bike after all. But not my cousin and I are totally on the fritz, and since he has a really good relationship with my dad and a few other people in my family I can't see that going well. This isn't the first falling out he and I have had, either, he's repeatedly disrespected me and been a complete asshole to me many times, but it doesn't stop it from making me feel like shit and get super anxious.

And then on top of this, my boyfriend of five years and I recently sort of psuedo broke up. I broke up with him, not because I don't want to be with him (I mean, five years, I obviously want to be with him), but because he's... not really treating the relationship right. We've been sort of arguing about moving in together for the last year, because one week he'll say, "I REALLY want to move in together!" and then he'll come back a week later and say, "We just aren't compatible." We've had this "break up" bullshit happen.. fuck... four times since February? FOUR TIMES. This time I don't know what to do. I love him to bits but he doesn't seem willing to respect my boundaries or realize anyone else's goals except his, and he's totally acting out of fear and trying to be someone he isn't for social acceptance reasons and... I don't know. He's spending the weekend on a backpacking trip and we're going to talk tomorrow after he gets home I guess. But every time we talk about anything like this he just says, "I'm sorry, I was wrong, I don't want to break up..." but then doesn't do anything to fix anything, and then we wind up having the same fight all over again.

I don't know what to do about him, and I don't know how to handle my life 7k miles away from me while I'm trying to also handle getting settled in here (I start school on the 8th). I want to enjoy my time here, I really do, but I also want to be able to come back home and have someone I love love me back, and feel like everything with my family is okay, and I want to be able to move in with him without him freaking out over every tiny detail without actually TALKING to me about finding solutions....

I'm just a wreck, I guess. I really just need someone to talk to and some kind words :/

Oh well,the first part is a bit like story of my life.My dad always put back the favor I asked him(he just shove it on my face) which makes me feel like killing him everytime. So I stopped to ask him anything because hey!you're best served by yourself.But maybe you should ask someone that will truly help you and not back out?If you feel unhappy about the "friction" between you two,talk about it then.

For second part,do not quote me on anything - I neved had a relationship so I just handle it as a single person ever. Does your bf have insecurities?Ever asked him why he's backing out?What's the trigger between your fights? Does it makes you happy to be in a relationship with him?And are you alright with him,acting like someone else?

Think about it a little,free yourself too.I mean you're having a great chance here.

My cousin is impossible to talk to. He's really stubborn and arrogant and the type to blame my actions and my being hurt by his as "Man she's being a bitch she must be on her period." Yeah. He's an asshole.

As far as my boyfriend goes I mean its obvious now that he has some insecurities about us but he's never brought them up before. Which is kinda lame because I usually bring anything up when it comes up. And every time I ask him why he's backing out he has a new reason that all leads back to he feels like moving in with me will hold him back somehow, and then he starts off on a rant that I can't stop him from about how "I want to get married right away am get a house and maybe have kids and blahblahblah" which... None of that is true at all. I mean I've talked to him about maybe getting married one day but... (Which hurts me I guess) his parents got divorced when he was young and he takes that as a sign that marriage never ever works out (of course... He fails to take into consideration that his dad was violent and disrespectful towards his mom who is a very strong willed and independent woman who would obviously not that that...)

The trigger is almost always him saying he wants to do something really big... But he doesn't ever realize that I might have some reaction towards it. Or that I want something and he won't hear me out I guess. Like he expects us to have too many problems to work sometimes but he doesn't recognize that was have been together so long and have worked through every argument we've had respectfully... This last one was triggered excuse he wanted to take an extra week in December to go to Nicaragua after Costa Rica which would have left me findin a place completely on my own and only in three weeks... And that's all I said and suddenly he was "being stifled from experiencing life." When in reality that wasn't it (and I told him this) it was just I didn't want to do all the work and that we could try and find a way for it to work... Because yeah obviously I want him to go to Nicaragua if he wants. But that's always his knee jerk reaction... And then of course like any of those knee jerk reaction it eventually led to him backing out on moving in with me AGAIN... And then me finally breaking up with him after he told me a ton of stuff (he wants to start "trying" drugs and maybe partying and also a whole bit about if he "found an opportunity that he could take and he wanted to but we wouldn't work out [he would] take it."

I guess being in a relationship with him makes me happy the majority of the time we've been together, but lately this ridiculous on again off again/oh I'll commit just kiddin crap is wearing me down which is why I decided to break up with him ("take a break" I guess since we are gonna talk about it today supposedly...) and I don't know where that's gonna lead. And no... I'm not okay with him acting like someone else. I'm okay with him changing and developing as a person but I honesty don't think that's what's going on here :/ especially since his parents and a number of his friends actively encourage even pressure him to do these things (one of the things he asked me when I told him how uncomfortable I was with doing drugs and partying was "What am I supposed to tell Ethan when he asks me to do shrooms with him then?!" Um. Really? I don't really know? Does he really feel that much peer pressure... Or was he just trying to guilt trip be because he wouldn't have some level of "cool kid" social acceptance?) I don't know...

And I know. I've been thinking about it all weekend and yknow I would be semi okay after awhile. I know it would hurt for a long time and I don't think I ever be the same (I have issues with anxiety, depression, trust, etc. and they kick on hard plus... I mean I don't want to so presumptuous but I've had quite a number of dudes after me in my life and I never had any desire to be with any of them like I had for him when we met and how I have for him now...).

I feel like in the same breathe he really disrespects me because of that, though. Like... The fact that I never really wanted anyone until he came along totally makes him feel like he can treat me however. When I tried to explain to him how doing drugs and stuff was crossing a boundary for me I said, "It would be the equivalent of me hooking up with some kiwi dude over here for you..." And instead of seeing my point he outright said, "Well that doesn't even matter because you've told me yourself I'm the only guy you ever see yourself being with!" Needless to say it was... A stubborn conversation.

Sorry I'm writing novels

My father is the same,I'm terribly sorry (you have all my support)

I don't believe in the whole marriage thing,but a good compromise is just getting "fiance" instead of the whole paperwork(imo)

I think that your boyfriend is having the "It's my life,I do what I wanna do complex" and you guys seems like you're not at the same page.You might be more mature than him and he's just plainly not ready for any huge engagement toward you.And he obviously takes you as granted in many ways.People change girl,sometimes they want to experience thing and you just get lost in their ideas.You obviously want a respectul and honest relationship and he might be ready to experience his life as a young adult and make mistakes and all the stuff that might help him to grow up. You guys need to sit,discuss about where you both are in your project and in your life.Because I'm afraid you'll end up badly crushed in your hope because you seems like you do love him but some "boundaries" are a bit unsure and some of them are just crossed.You need to dicuss with him girl - even if it hurts,it's your happiness too.

ps: god I'm hella confusing ;u; but dicuss with him

He doesn't even like that lol. I know... and I've been trying. But everytime we get anywhere he just stops and says "Nevermind." And even when I say, "Not.. not nevermind you obviously have something to say that I need to hear.." but he'll never bring it up again. He's asked me to maybe go to couples counseling with him once before, but it was when I was in a really really really bad state and I said no I couldn't handle it... and now I'm really far away so that's not really an option now. I've encouraged him to see a counselor and he says, "Yes I should" and if I ask him to do it for me he says, "Yes I will" but then never, ever does... but we both know it would help him.

And I know he wants to be an independent human and experience life and make mistakes, and I am HEAPS more mature than him (I had to grow up... much faster than anyone ever, ever should), and that does get frustrating. He likes to criticise me because I "have a weird and strong understanding" of who I am compared to most people. I don't know how that's a bad thing or worth criticising, but, y'know.

I mean we are gonna talk about all of this. I'm just really upset by the whole thing, and he doesn't listen when I have something to say when things get emotional, he just tunes out because he's trying to "be strong" and "be a man" and control his own so... and I have issues as well with words. I am better at writing letters, and I did write one to him for him to read before we talk, but even then I've done that before and I don't know how coherent they are to him or if he reads them at all. /shrugs

Give him an ultimatum; dude take it or leave it. Because he is degrading you for who you are and it's just sad and selfish.It seems like you're really tired and sad of trying to push everything by yourself. The boy need to act,be a grown ass man and speak his mind.Because hey,keep it too long and it's going to explode like a pocket pizza and it will turn nasty. I hope that he will do something,otherwise..it's not a good sign for your relationship :(