I'm not very informed on asexual relationships, but I gather it's more of a "I don't really have the urge to be physical" than a "ew physical stuff is gross"? You two must have a very stable relationship if you've been together 4 years, but there might have to be some room for compromise. Have you ever TRIED anything? And even if you're not really into it, if it's something she needs and you're okay with providing it to her (even if it doesn't turn you on or something) maybe that's a route you could take? I'm not sure exactly what the problem is though. You can't MAKE yourself want sexual things, and if you truely believe you're asexual and not just not physically attracted to your partner, you two are going to have a discussion about what you both want and need out of your relationship. Sexual activity isn't everything but it can be an important part.

Well, you definitely need to talk to her about reaching a solution or a middle-ground, if possible. If she's not satisfied with the relationship though, in my opinion, she should realize that you can't fulfill her needs and perhaps take a break or break up with you. It's sad that such a long relationship would have to end, but it's also not fair for her needs/desires that differ from yours to make you feel guilty or like you're 'broken'. You're not broken, your needs just don't align with hers and you can't quite give her what she needs.

I'm not sure if a personal story will help, but when I was in highschool I dated a boy who wasn't asexual, but he was VERY not interested in anything physical. We would hug only occasionally, but throughout a year we kissed only once (a quick, uninterested peck on the lips), and every time I would try to cuddle with him he got uncomfortable. Finally he told me he just wasn't interested in being physical, although he still liked me. I tried to accept it, but since I'm a VERY sexual person, I just couldn't understand his point of view. It was very trying on me because I just constantly felt like perhaps I wasn't good looking enough for him, or he didn't like me enough to want to get physical with me. Eventually we broke up and as far as I know he hasn't dated anyone since me.

I can understand where your girlfriend is coming from- because as a sexual person, it's hard to understand sometimes how someone could NOT want to be physical. Just like you might have a hard time accepting why she would want to do the opposite.

Have you ever tried doing anything physical, just to see if you would come around and possibly like it? Sorry if that's an ignorant statement, I don't know much about asexuality. But perhaps if she wants to try taking things to a new level, you could try and go along with it? And if you EVER feel uncomfortable, definitely tell her when to stop, etc. and if you don't like it you won't have to try it again. I'm not sure if that would work though, since you said you have no sexual drive. But again, I don't understand much about asexuality.

Idk though. You obviously care about her, but she shouldn't try and change you into something you're not. If she's physically unsatisfied, then perhaps this isn't the relationship for her.

You say you 'don't get what she needs', but hasn't she told you? Since your relationship is unique in that you are asexual and she is not, she can't expect you to be so in tune with her physical needs. It's great your trying, but it sounds like she just needs to get in the habit of straight-forward telling you exactly what she needs in order to be satisfied so you're not left wondering or unintentionally neglecting her.

It just sounds like this is putting a lot of stress on the both of you. I don't want to be pessimistic, but if you can't work through this, then perhaps this isn't the right fit. I couldn't imagine being with someone asexual just because I have a LOT of desires, and those things reinforce that my partner makes me feel attractive. If she feels like she doesn't think you think she's attractive, maybe try other things to spice things up or make her feel good about herself? Leave her sticky notes or notes on the fridge that say "you look cute today" or tell her often that you think she's beautiful. Just because you don't want to have sex with her doesn't mean you don't think she's attractive (right?), so let her know as often as you can and perhaps that will help.

Well, it sounds like you have very good communication! Don't be so hard on yourself, dear. I'm sure there are plenty of asexual people out there, or for lack of a better phrase, many of sexual people who are "strong" enough to be with someone who is asexual! I think I'd sit her down and really have a conversation about yourselves and how happy you are. You're obviously unhappy because you feel she is unhappy, and either you can both work to fix it.. or you can part ways on good terms. Don't just leave it be and wait for her to end it! Fight for it!

Sounds like it's about time for this to run its course. I don't believe that one partner should be the only happy one in the relationship, and that's where this is, and is going. One of you has to be unhappy to please the other and be comfortable. She's never going to get what she needs from you. Like many sexual people, her opinion of herself and how much you desire her and how attractive she is, is based on how badly you want to touch her. How much you crave getting into bed with her, and you just don't. She's not getting what she needs because even if you physically fulfill her desire for sexual release, you're not getting anything out of it, and she desires that mutual satisfaction because she feels if you really desired her, you'd be aroused by her and pleased with what you two do. For her, there will always be that subconscious inkling that she's not good enough because she doesn't get you off.

I don't think there's a big way you can resolve this. You're not sexual, she is, and that's the bottom line. She needs more from you than you can give, and you are both exhausting each other emotionally by taking too much and giving too much, but not getting enough.

I honestly wish there was more advice I could offer you, but I think summed it up the best. The bottom line is- she is a sexual person, and likely always will be. You're not, and that's not likely to change either. You two just don't match up in those ways and to her it's obvious sex is important, and to you it's not. For a sexual person, physical things are a BIG part of it. I know if my boyfriend stopped wanting to have sex or he didn't enjoy it any longer, I honestly don't think I could be with him, even though emotionally I love him with all my heart.

The only other tip I think I can offer is perhaps a therapist or sex therapist? Perhaps they could help you work out your issues with sex. But even then I'm not sure there's really any "cure" for asexuality. Again, excuse me if that sounds ignorant, I'm not well educated about asexuality or what causes it, etc.

This will be a constant battle in your relationship. If you are both willing to fight, then you should continue. But imo I don't really see a "solution" where both of you will be perfectly happy, so I think unfortunately you two will always have to struggle to stay together.

I'm not certain if I should post here, but I saw it on the friend feed and...

Personally I think you two should keep trying. Regarding both the relationship and it's intimacy aspect. From what I've gathered you are two young, smart people who seem to be compatible in every way except for the bedroom. That's a better match than many of us could ever expect to find. If she has stayed with you for this long then there is certainly a lot of platonic love involved - don't think she thinks you hate her. Considering by one of your previous posts she's read this thread and I'm sure she understands and knows you love her back. If keeping this relationship going gets more painful than breaking up, then do what is right, but right now you two seem to be getting along very well. I don't see a reason why two people who love each other, and have loved each other for years, shouldn't be able to stay ''partners'' (or even just good friends incase things don't work out). The ''you can't have sex thus you are going to make each others lives miserable and should break up'' mentality I thought I sensed from some posts confuses me greatly, but then again I've never been too interested in attaining a relationship, nor having sex, so I don't have any personal experience to help me advise in these situations. ...sorry, I'll slither back to ZHA now.

For what it's worth, I agree with you. I'm almost at 3 1/2 years with my boyfriend, and a lot of the time, we're unhappy. But we've always been able to get over that hump (hah) and come out stronger. It's all about if you even want to anymore.. and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to try anymore. Sometimes things end. But like I said, you two sound compatible in other, more important aspects. So if you can figure this out, why quit?

I definitely don't think sex has to do with 'objectifying' your partner. I think of my boyfriend as my boyfriend, not just as a penis, lol. But I get what you mean by that. Some relationships do place too much emphasis on sex or not enough, the bottom line is, if one person isn't satisfied then there will be problems. But your girlfriend obviously loves you, and if she's willing to work with you then just continue discussing these problems as they come along.

I was just saying I don't quite see a "solution", but if you're both willing to fight for each other and make things work, then that's about as much of a solution you could ever hope for (: best of luck to you two.

It is interesting, isn't it? I'm Asexual myself (or at least self-proclaimed; its the status that makes the most sense to me, currently in life) and I believe the same exact mind process is what did in my last couple relationships, before I decided to forgo dating for the time being.

I've never been with a female, but my last two male partners were sexual people that needed that touchy-touchy business, which I was never keen into doing. Back then I didn't know why I was so turned off by the prospect, but after some soul-searching I concluded Asexualism. When I finally realized this, which was when I was with my last boyfriend, I told him of it and things immediately went south. I ended it, and we both moved on; it was better off for us both that way.

I think it depends on the person, really. Like someone said earlier, its going to be a battle no matter what, and in the end she may not be up to it, which is totally understandable. Its a lot to ask someone to refrain from their sexual tendencies because you have none - speaking from experience - but if she can weather the storm out of pure love, then that's a relationship to keep.

Try therapy possibly, see how that goes. ^^ Good luck.

I know it might sound odd, but have you ever considered an open relationship? Wherein you're both still emotionally monogamous, but she is free to find sex other places? Perhaps it would help? :]

<3 Sweetie, can we get this locked? You know I love you and I'm not going to leave you.

XD I actually just bought a vibrator, so I think that will suffice.

Also a great idea :]

AWH IF THAT'S YOUR GF THEN THIS IS ADORABLE <3

You're both great. Best of luck ;w;