I just really need to rant...sorry.

I was diagnosed with anorexia three years ago, and consequently I was also diagnosed with depression and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). Yesterday I finally made the decision to recover from anorexia after being told that I'm going to need a fourth emergency hospital admission. Physically and psychologically, I'm in such a bad state and I'm just really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I HAVE to let go of my illness. It's just so hard, after three years of failed treatment, realizing that I'm the only person who can help myself. I don't feel like I can do it. Ugh. I'm sorry.

Has anybody else had experiences with eating disorders or related illnesses?

Sorry to hear you're having such a bad time :/ I've dealt with cutting since I was 15/16. I'm 21 now and really just now making the decision to try and stop. I can definitely understand the sentiment about coming to terms with letting go of an illness. At least for me, what's really hard is that I pretty much feel like cutting is just a part of who I am now cause I've dealt with it for so long but I know it's not really helping what's really going on with me and that is anxiety. Hence why I want to stop. There's times when I feel like I can't do it either. But the best thing I can tell you is just do your best not to give up. If you ever need to vent or anything you can comment or message me :)

I am so happy for you, this decision will probably be one of the best you ever make. Nobody ever regrets getting healthy. :) I used to be overweight until about a year ago. While I was losing weight I learned a lot, especially that it IS hard to practice moderation. It's so easy to eat too much, and I was surprised to find it was also easy to eat too little. It takes much more self-control to do things in just the right amount. And it's hard and scary to see yourself gaining weight after you've lost it. (I gained a little back, but it was a good thing.) But if you've lost the weight once that means you have the ability to continue keeping your body under control, you just have to get into the right mindset. :) So don't let it psych you out when your body starts changing.

Also it helps to have a goal that isn't about less weight or more weight. Think about health and fitness instead. That's what is working for me. I look at a lot of fitspo, (some people find it depressing and it makes them dislike their bodies like thinspo can, but I find it inspiring) and am working on gaining muscle so I can have healthy weight but not be mushy. :) It feels so good to be physically strong, I highly recommend it. And if you get into the culture (I go on sites like livestrong a lot) you will start to see food as an ally, and learn to eat with purpose, and think of food as something vital that nourishes your body, instead of thinking of it as an enemy, or (as I used to think of it) as a form of entertainment.

Here is a blog that might interest you, it is a healthy (and vegan, which I'm not but I like vegan food) food blog by a former anorexic: seeds 'n' smiles Her food is so pretty, it always inspires me to eat healthy. :)