My boyfriend informed me the other day that he's going into the Marines in September for 3 years and then again for a further three years (he probably explained that in a bit more detail but I was kind of going into shock at that point). He'll have about one month's leave each year and told me that basically he doesn't want any distractions while he's there because it's just something that he feels he needs to do with his life, which he feels is going nowhere. He feels as though he'll be miserable if he doesn't do this.

We get on really well, we're very much on the same page, we share similar viewpoints, have similar morals, think alike, etc. Plus we're both super attracted to one another. But I just don't know how to react. It's his life, he needs to do it if he'll be miserable otherwise and I feel selfish for even being upset about it in front of him. But I kind of ended the date that he told me on it with 'I don't think we should see each other any more, because if we keep seeing each other until September when you go and break up then (the general idea is break up now or in September) then we'll only get way more attached to one another.' I also did say that sometimes to be happy, you have to be selfish and do things for yourself. My brain was being logical and wanted to support and maybe even be a little proud of the work he's put into his body and mind to reach the standard of athleticism and bravery required. My heart was going "Noooo how could you, are you seriously basically dumping me for the Marines? I know it's supposed to be honourable etc but this just sucks to be me right now."

I just felt finally like this relationship felt right for me after having been in some really unhappy one-sided ones in the past, coupled with some long-distance in there too. :( Is it morally sound to feel upset and choose not see him again over this? (Which will suck, by the way. :() Is that being really selfish? I'm not sure if I'm expected to be supportive because I really don't feel like I'm totally okay with him going off for essentially years at a time and me hanging on either, on the other hand. :|

I don't know how to not be a douche about the whole thing, if I haven't been one already.

I think more people need to learn that it's okay to be selfish sometimes, because you have to take care of yourself before you can look after others. And I don't find your decision morally wrong at all. He clearly is putting his future career above his relationship, and that was his choice and he was dealt the consequences of it. And it is much better to cut it off now and kill the hurt quicker instead of trying to cling on when you know it will inevitably end. There will be other people in your life, you just have to find them. You've got time.

Thank you for your advice, you're definitely right on the cutting it off now thing. I've been mulling it over but yes, ultimately it is his decision and his choice so he'll have to live with it. All I can really do is move on. :/

i think you're totally in the right, in fact if you weren't upset i think that would be more of a problem haha. how long have you been together? i agree though with the cutting it off now, i have been in the relationship where there is an end point and just, no. like holy shit i will never ever do that again, especially if you're in love with the person. it is absolute hell and ends up putting stress on both of you so the time you have isn't even that enjoyable.

i totally know what it's like to be put in second place to his career or whatever and it's seriously irritating. you're right though he should take the chance right now if its what he really wants. either way it will give him clarity on what his priorities are, and giving him space might make him realize that you're really the one he wants to be with. even if this isn't the case, if he stayed for you then it could just lead to resentment and other unhealthy things :(

i think you reacted fine. not having the patience to wait around for someone that puts something else first seems okay to me. plus EMILY is correct in that resentment could have had serious potential if you did not break it off.

Thankfully, we're not in love. I feel extremely lucky that he's done this now and not a few years down the line or something. But there was such potential for that relationship, it's sad to me. We had only been together for a few months, which doesn't sound like a lot in terms of timespan but we were seeing each other more than several times a week for long periods of time, so we spent a lot of time together (which in my opinion is more important).

You're right about the resentment, that wouldn't have worked if we'd kept seeing each other. But bigger than that, I would have just grown really upset because everything military/marine/air force/etc scares me a bit because of the possibility of injury/death to someone you really care about. I've been trying not to think about it at all. Thank you.

Thank you. ❤️

yeah i know what you mean. it could be a lot worse though and at least if anything you've learned from the relationship and what you want and don't want in a partner, which is important