Expect a wall of text. I never told any one before and I might as well do so over the internet since no one will know me in real life 8D muwhaha! Oh yeah, and I'm a female, incase anyone messages me asking; believe it or not people really do message me to ask about my gender before answering questions I normally post. xD;;

Iunno, but ever since I could remember - around the end of my 3rd grade year I've felt like I've viewed the world on the most apathetic kind of level. I'll keep my age a secret, since many people become biased if they know another's age. But for starters, I'm a full pledged adult.

Ever since then whatever it is that I've been feeling has gradually been getting worse and worse to the point where I don't feel like I'm "me" anymore. I feel like I'm someone else inside a human body that is only "shape shifting" in order to fit into society or shifting into SOMETHING in order to feel all sorts of feelings - anger, pity, sadness, happiness, etc. Whenever I'm mad I don't feel like I'm genuinely mad but my body acts accordingly. Same goes with happiness, I know I'm supposed to laugh or smile and I do so accordingly. Like, I know exactly when I'm supposed to be happy, or gratefully, or when I'm supposed to act sad (i.e - someone dies) but when it gets to that point where I have to choose an emotion, I choose the right one, but I know for a fact I don't feel it. Or at least I don't think I feel it? I don't know. I just don't know. I just don't /care/.

I've been doing it for so long - more than a decade now that doing this has been my norm. I don't know who I am anymore or why I am the person I am. Hell, I don't even know what I am anymore. Okay, obviously I'm human, but there have been times where I even question that due to the things I do and how I feel. Which, of course I think is pretty ridiculous.

All my life I wished to experience a family, and without getting too personal, my parents haven't always been the "parental domesticated" type of family. In short, they suck and they hated each other constantly blaming me for their mishaps. But honestly I don't care, I don't think I ever did. I just listened to it and said "Oh. Okay." I mean, I listen to all my friend's bitchings and most of them say they're so sad if their parents say they're "disappointed" with them. I frankly couldn't give two shits if my parents told me that they're disappointed in me because apparently I've ALWAYS disappointed them. /shrugs. But at the same time no matter how much I wish for the normal domesticated family that eats together at a table or at least talk more than two sentences to each other per day, I still think I rather had a "normal" life. I never rebelled even once, I never smoked, did drugs, did underaged drinking -etcetc. I studied my ass off everyday, I followed every command every rule my parents had for me, only because I was scared of them and scared of the consequences that come with it. Yet, I was once asked if I was /ever/ happy. I had to actually think about this, and with a straight face I answered "I don't know."

Don't get me wrong, I'm an insanely realistic person and I only will accept things that are logical or can be proven with facts or a logical explanation. Although I'm not sure how this affects me. Anyways...

Out of the goodness of my mom's heart, or at least as much that would come out of such a small organ, she took me to a psychiatrist. The woman made me start off talking about my parents in general and as I've said, throughout my entire life - and to this day, I was apathetic about it. But once I finally started talking about my childhood or my father or whatever something that finally is about ME, I couldn't even get past a few sentences before I start crying my eyes out. Which surprised the shit out of me because ever since then, whenever someone mentions ANYTHING about me personally or my family, I get all teary eyed. But the most confusing thing for me is that for some reason me getting all teary eyed is a reflex because I don't feel sad at all. My eyes just water up for no reason, when when I'm perfectly content. But while I was crying my eyes out, while talking to her, I suddenly felt scared or at least I THINK I felt scared and then I just straight out lied to her just so I could stop talking about everything that is me in general. Let's face it, I don't like myself because I know nothing of myself. And when it boils down to it, I'm okay with that. I'm okay with not knowing anything about myself. But the more I'm content about not knowing anything about myself, the more questions I formulate in my mind making me go crazy.

Everyday I go through life doing the same things over and over. The times where things do change is let's say I'm hanging out with friends, but sadly even then nothing changes in me even when my surroundings do. I just can't feel like I care one bit. Again, I feel apathetic towards everything. I can't give two shits about whether or not it's my birthday because granted I feel just a tiny bit happy if my friends remember and wish me a happy birthday, it's meaningless to me. FYI, my parents don't really care about celebrations such as Christmas or my birthday and the such because we're Thai and from our culture, we don't have any worth while celebrations - or well at least the older generations don't care for it.

I know for a fact that I'm not going to bitch and whine about things not changing and not do something about it. So with permission I've finally been able to do something - I was able to get accepted to a University from another state; a COMPLETELY new change of life. I finally land here and I'm hoping that everything will be different. However, I was sorely mistaken-ed. Yes, granted EVERYTHING is different - the systems, the school, the people, the food - EVERYTHING but I think I adapted to it too quickly (I got used to everything in 3 days..) that now it feels like nothing. I'm back to where I started and I'm doing the same things over and over again, while adding the new things I was forced to learn what to do here. But here's the thing, my life style is different from home, yet it feels like ...nothing...absolutely nothing. I don't feel any different, I don't feel like I've changed, I feel nothing. And because I feel nothing, I know that's the worst feeling of all. I'm just doing things day by day, hoping for the best and hoping that once I fall sleep, I don't want to wake up again. But, of course, I always wake up time and time again - and sometimes I wonder what's worse? Waking up knowing you're in the exact same spot you were hours ago, or the fact that you had to wake up to...all of this?

So long story short, is there any way to know what is going on in my life? I know I said I feel apathetic towards it, but I feel there's more of an underlying problem to how I'm feeling - someone said I'm miserable, but I don't think I am? I'm content and apathetic, but at the same time, I'm neither of those. Sorry about the shitton of text, I hope someone knows or slightly understands what I'm going through - maybe I'm not the only one?

As one of your friend,I'm really touched atm. But well,can we say that you..always followed rules?How could you define your personnality if you were always hiding your true self?You may think that your emotions are not yours,or that you don't feel them but your body is acting.Per example,your teary eyes - it may be because of some family issue and you should still see some support.It doesn't seems like,but talking is great.Do you feel depressed?Or just confused?I still think you need to seek help and I'm not going to say more because I'm not a pro but help yourself and open up a little :c

Daww ;A; - touched? (Not sure what that means xD;; )

Like, if they want me to come back home right away from school, no hanging out, no going anywhere else - I would come back. If I had a test in hour but my mom suddenly wants like a burger or something I'd go get it really fast before the test starts.Etc.

I don't think I feel depressed, I guess it's just confused. It's like rare that I start questioning it - but it's what happens when it's like past midnight and I'm in the middle of contemplating what exactly I'm doing here and what I'm doing with my life - but then it all goes away. OTL I'm weird like that.

I'm not sure if I open up much, but I mean I 100% sure open myself up to you and a very selected few in real life. But if we have to put it in terms of numbers I only have 3 people whom I trust and I actually allow myself to tell cause I know they won't really judge or act differently after they hear my bs.

But yeah I was thinking to get help too, but I'm pretty scared about doing so. Cause I mean what if the term "Ignorant is Bliss" really applies to a couple things? I'm "apathetic/content" with my life now, just doing day by day doing ...whatever it is I'm doing, but if I find out something and it's I guess "devastating", I only get one life no matter how much I wish I didn't - it's going to stick forever and what if it gets worse? I've already thrown out all possibilities of anything remotely "going my way" because things have never went my way before - I'm not mad or sad that things have never went my way, but I kinda think that's just how my life is, and I'm fine with that.

It means that you hit my soft spot c:

I'd do the same for my mom,but I think you need to make your own choice.Per example,I'm doing it because I want to help my mom.Do you want to help her,or do you take it like an order?

Goes away?How do you?Convince yourself?I think you need some time to think about yourself a little and what do you exactly want.

I know taking some risk may be hard and I'm sure you're full of fear.But if you don't take them,are you really fine being the way you are now? If yes,what's the point to make a thread about it? ^ This is your trigger point.

I'll support you no matter what,even if your family eat me alive ;u;

Ah. I see 7 ❤️

Ah, I take it cause well...I'm not sure actually. I just do it because I'm the child and she's my mom. It runs in the culture really, for us, you have to do what elders tell you or else it's very disrespectful.

I guess I convince myself? I'm not sure anymore, but after some hard on thinking, I think I convince myself...? I wish I did, I mean I have those hours where I have absolutely nothing to do, but it's like 2 am or 3am and when I finally get thinking, I can't think of anything rather than a bunch of questions that lead up to this board right here, and then after I'm done thinking, I don't like it and I guess I push it all back? Cause I keep telling myself I shouldn't think this way cause it doesn't do any good to think like that? OTL

Yeah you're right, I guess I'm not fine the way I am, but let's say I do see a shrink, what if they can't help me or I just don't feel any better after I realize it? Just like how I moved to Hawaii, I got used to it, and nothing seems interesting anymore? I guess that counts as a fear? I always want to experience something 'life changing' just once so I can't get my shit together XDDD

D'awww t-thank you ;A;..I hope my family doesn't eat you alive LOL that would be super bad ._.;

I think that this rule is basically in all cultures imo..(even mine,which I only do for my mom,dad can be left to dry under the sun) It's actually pretty good to wonder about things you know.How about writing down your questions and try to answer them?(even the answers are weird or unclear).

Can't help?Child you're not dying ;u; You just need a little time for you and be a normal young adult.Try to hang out with some friends?Go to restaurant,bowling,movies,beach idk...Some social touch? /can't believe I'm suggesting something that I don't do ah ah I'm still firm on the "seeking help" part,it can't hurt.

I'll protect myself with you :D

Ah okay guuudd! Cause most of what I see in CA is that kids take their parents for granted and bitch about not obtaining some kind of Ipad or whatever it is and saying they got a Car but no Ipad meaning their parents are assholes or some ridiculous shit like that. My god.

I tried that - but I usually draw a blank, then I stare at it and realize I DON'T HAVE TIME XD then I freak out; the usual. But I can't let my parents see it or else they'd get pretty mad at me.

LOL you will! Trust me sooner or later you'll be hanging out with sincere and great friends, I wish I could be one of them /right now/. But yeah I was thinking to go do that once I get back to CA, but sadly most of my friends are like me; okay maybe not as outgoing. Which is sad, considering how I think I'm outgoing, they don't even like to go to the movies - they rather go to the library, and oops so do I xD;;

Yeah I was thinking that actually, I went to the Health Center today and they said they'd get back to me on an intern psychiatrist or so. Hrm...do you think that's a good idea? Or should I just wait to see an actual professional and not an intern..?

They are just some spoiled childs and we can see this everywhere ;u; It doesn't mean you have to follow them tho.

I know that you're busy with uni,but you have to take a little time for you.At first it'll be hard,but you'll greatly appreciate this c: It's not bad having some different kind of friends.You can have some that prefer the library,and the other group prefer going to the cinema.I don't think that is actually going to refrain yourself for some social touch imo.

Hmm..I think?They can make an evaluation of your case and give medicine.If they can't help you,they will send you to a more capable place.

Heh, true; but it's just annoying and just depressing to see it that way. But amusing to know that if they ever said that to my parents they'd slap the shit out of them.

I shall try, I has spring break, I wanna see if I can spice up my life a little - technically has no friends here still...kinda don't want any. But the friends I do make are local and they're going to their own houses for Spring Break. Bleh. Gonna go window shopping and the lot at least though. GONNA BE SPONTANEOUS XD

Ooh okay that's actually a good one right there. Didn't think about the evaluation, thought they'd just listen and go "Oh okay." I might try it out. THANKS BBY I freakin love you ;A; ❤️

I'm the same, however, I think I'm slightly less apathetic. I turned apathetic when I was about nineteen, I think, but I can't exactly remember. There was a time where I hadn't cried or laughed in years, but one day my mother told me something like: " I can't believe how soft you are! You don't know anything about hardship. I was raised in a family where there was no love and only discipline. If you had to go through what I went through you would actually be tough" and it really upset me because my life had been so difficult. So I tried to explain to her that I was bullied throughout middle school and high school by several different people, but I couldn't really continue because I had suddenly started crying halfway through. It was so strange the tears just came suddenly without any warning. It basically felt like a physical reflex? After I gave up on explaining the crying stopped as unpredictably as it had started and I felt shocked. I didn't feel sad, but my hands were still shaking. Even though my explanation failed my mother still got the point of what happened.

The only time that I cry is when someone forces me to explain something painful. I have to basically keep quiet and not open up in order not to cry. Besides crying, never find anything funny or surprising either. This kind of leads me to not understand jokes and certain social situations.

This is sort of unrelated, but I think that spoiled kids are just common in university settings in general.

Holy crap that is like exactly - you worded it perfectly, the part where and why you cried and how you felt afterwords. Although it's bittersweet to say so, at least I'm not the only one. And I wonder, did you feel a bit better afterwards? Cause for me, I didn't feel anything, cause in the end I tucked it away and lied ._.;;

Ah, really? Geez, I honestly never really saw it that way, but then again I'm always in my dorm so /shrugs

Yeah, I feel that the crying is a little hard to explain to most people, but you probably understand what it's like. She was more understanding about what happened than I thought she would be, but in the end be bullied is a heavy memory that's always at the back of my mind and it taints everything I experience. It feels a little better that I don't have to keep it all to myself and that some one else acknowledges that it happened, but I still have the bad memories I'll probably keep with me forever. It must harder for you because for you it was your parents, but for me I was normal and happy until the bullying started when I was about 13. After that I started to slowly fall apart. It sort of feels nice to be apathetic, though. Nothing can make me sad anymore.

I actually stayed in my dorm a lot, too. Before I went to college I thought that college was going to mostly be made up of smart and nerdy kids that were at the top of their class, but then I actually went I and I realized that there was just a bunch of frat boys, sorority girls and hipsters. It might be different for you because my university had a pretty high acceptance rate.

Ah. Yeah I probably can. However, I never really got bullied before aside from just my dad, so I can't really understand how you feel there, but I can imagine that it's just - I don't know, the worst almost. Your line for the "sort of feels nice to be apathetic", now that I think about it, I kinda is. I do fully agree with the "nothing can make me sad anymore" but at the same time I can believe it's like a double edged sword.

UGH tell me about it. Well it WAS different - with the backstabbing and the insane amount of stress where I was at, but then yeah when I came here, I was slightly appalled. Just I guess you win some you lose some, but other all it's a decent experience.

But on the bright side of all things, I've come to a slight conclusion that the more I force myself to get out there, the more I can hopefully change. I mean staying apathetic sucks after a couple decades I would assume. Only assume. xD;