Broke up with my boyfriend...
Replies
And it really sucks.
WALL O TEXT - BEWARE
We live in different countries. I live in the US and he lives in England. We were together for a year and had known each other for 2 years. We met over xboxlive and I went and stayed with him for the first time over the summer for 5 weeks with him and his family and it was great. We went to London for 5 days together and everything. It was the best trip I've ever taken.
I missed him like crazy when I left and we immediately made plans for him to come and stay here in the fall. We managed to get it done and he came over in the middle of October and stayed until the first week of January with my family and I.
I definitely did love him. I had loved him for a long time. But when he got here, I don't know, I started feeling different. I didn't feel any chemistry with him and when I asked myself if I loved him I just felt like the answer was no. I felt completely different when I was in England with him though.
I feel like me going to his home was different for me because I wasn't in my own life. I was on a little adventure and I relied on him while I was there. But when he came here, I was in MY life. I went to my classes and did the things I would normally do.
He's a very anxious person and doesn't like to be around people he doesn't know. He would be shy while we were out and about and everything. He was like that at his house too, but more so here as would be expected. The farthest he had ever been away from home was when we went to London for those 5 days. And then a few months later he was on a plane on his own coming to the US to be with me. I was really, really proud of him.
We got along wonderfully. He always made me happy being around him and we're both a bit silly to be honest. We were always laughing or doing silly things. He was my best friend and my boyfriend and we'd talk about everything toether.
And I know he loved me more than anything. He still does. If I said I wanted to get married he would in a heartbeat and there wouldn't be a doubt in his mind. He's told me several times that being with me for the rest of his life would make him happier than anything else.
And I just feel really, really guilty about everything. It was wonderful having him here, but now that I've actually experienced having him in my actual life I just can't picture us getting married and whatnot. I just don't feel like I used to. I feel like he was more a really good friend than my boyfriend.
I think a mixture of things led to that. I felt more like I was the provider between the two of us. I was always watching over him and trying to make sure he was okay because he was always scared of things and anxious. We went bowling one night and I was the only one bowling because he was too worried about what other people would think. I'm not that type of person. I like to have fun and just make memories and do spontaneous things. I try really hard to not let what others think or fears have an affect on whether or not I'll try something.
He also never finished high school. He ended up getting kicked out when he was 13 (it was a stupid reason to be honest) and his mom just never made him finish. I now have my Associate's degree and education to me is really important. It bothered me a lot because I would mention something that most people would know from their basic schooling and he wouldn't know what I was talking about. He's a very smart person (he knows so much about computers and technology that it just goes over my head), but he just hasn't had the same education that most people have so it's hard to connect sometimes when I love talking about history and stuff.
Then there's the fact that he has absolutely no ambition. I want to do something with my life. Get a good job or create a business, and he's fine with settling for a job at ASDA or Walmart. And when I bring it up he makes it sound like I'm materialistic and am only after a good car or something. Which is completely untrue. I'm a very frugal person and he knows this. But I would like to be comfortable and not always be worrying about how I'm going to pay a bill like my mom has her whole life.
With all of that put together, I think I've just lost the attraction I used to have for him. I know that if we stayed together and got married, I would always be supporting him more than it would be both of us supporting eachother together. And when he was here it just got really real. I feel guilty about it now though because I still care for him SO much and want him to be happy. But I need to be happy too and if we stayed together I don't think I would be happy in the way I would want to be in a relationship. I want to feel like I really love someone and be able to have conversations that don't revolve around just games and stuff. I want to be able to rely on my partner and also know that they're not just going to settle because something might be difficult because that's the type of person I am. I want them to be a strong person, but able to laugh at themselves like me.
Is that all too much to ask for though? I feel like I'm being realistic, but am I really just fantasizing? He was the first real serious relationship I've been in so I don't have anything to compare it to. I don't know if I'm just over thinking things, but I really feel like I'm not. So I don't know. I feel guilty for having him still love me and me not returning the feelings. Also he coming to the US and loving it here so much and knowing he hates where he lives. I could have gotten him out of there, but keeping myself in a loveless relationship in the process for the rest of my life.
He's told me that I'm going to regret us breaking up someday because it's not everyday that you find someone that understands eachother as well as we did. And while I miss talking to him daily so badly and just feel completely and utterly alone in the world now, I still feel like it's the right decision for both of us even if we're both not entirely happy.
REALLY sorry for how long this was. It's just be jumbled about in my mind for weeks. Even before I broke it off. And it's just made me feel so depressed because it was difficult to sort it all out up there. Just typing this out has made me feel quite a bit better.
Also, just as an fyi, I'm going to be 22 in May and he just turned 24 in January.
I really get this. It's all right to break up with him, and it's not impossible that you'll find someone like him in the future. My parents have a mutual loving relationship, and they support each other. Both agree that if one wasn't on the same level with the other, the relationship wouldn't be as good.
hugs
It sounds like you did the right thing, at least for the long run. It's one thing to spend a few good weeks together, another to spend the rest of the life together.
I think you two were too different. Even if you understood each other, his anxiety would probably have been, as you say, something you'd have to be aware of in the future as well. My ex have huge anxiety issues as well, and that was one of the things that wore me down. I couldn't talk to him about relationship issues because he's just call himself a bad boyfriend and steer the conversation away from the real issue, big or small, by guilting me, which in the end led me to just push the issues aside to stop his anxiety. In the end I felt like I was just a support to him, not an equal in a relationship.
Because of what I went through, I personally don't think you're asking for too much. You're simply just different. When one person in a relationship needs way more support and understanding than the other, it will be unbalanced. Not everybody manage to balance that with taking care of themselves at the same time. I'm not saying one shouldn't be in a relationship with someone with severe anxiety. I'm just saying that for a relationship to truly work, the person with anxiety needs to work with themselves, not just let the other one support them forever.
You're just 22. There's no guarantee you won't find anyone that understands you the way he understood you. Time will tell what happens, one way or the other :)
Yeah, that's pretty much how I feel. Our relationship always felt a bit one sided and felt like it would always be that way with the pressure being on me and all decisions being made by me. And I think that after a while it just wore me down and made me not feel like the relationship wasn't worth how I felt I guess.
Yeah I know. :( It makes me really sad now to not have him in my life anymore because it's such a huge change, but at the same time I feel like SO much weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I don't have to be scared or worried of thinking about the future like I was before because I didn't know what to do.
We really were entirely different. We were alike in a lot of ways, but I don't think in the ways that are really important in keeping a relationship going I guess. I had a talk with my aunt the other day because I was really broken up about it and was crying and she basically just told me that while he was a really nice guy she just couldn't see me being with him all of my life because of how different we were personality wise and that I'd always be supporting him.
Since we'd been together I really do think that he came out of his shell and been more willing to do things that he otherwise never would have considered doing and I'm really proud of him for that. But at the same time, like I said, I'd just lost attraction to him and don't feel the same way as I had.
Thank you. :) You made me feel a lot better. ❤
Yeah. Hey, but at least you're not on your deathbed, right? You got time.
... Right? -knocks on wood just in case-
A girl has to take care of herself. You lost a sweet guy, but dude was not husband material in the least bit. It'll hurt for a while, but then you'll meet a guy who really wants to make you a part of his life and wants to do everything he can for you- including pushing himself to be better.
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To be honest I totally respect you for being able to do this. It's really not easy to break up with someone, especially a first boyfriend, because you just don't love them anymore. From how you described him I would not like dating him much either. I myself tend to get a bit nervous (not as much as what he was I don't think) so dating someone like that would be terrible for me. Your expectations are in no way unrealistic either, there are TONS of guys like this, you just gotta keep looking. Not to cast a huge stereotype on a large group of people BUT I would try looking for people in real life... a lot a lot a lot of people and specifically guys I meet online end up being really weird personality wise in a way I wasn't able to tell at first. Plus then you could avoid the whole awkward situation of meeting them then realizing you don't really have feelings like you thought.
Anyway don't beat yourself up over it. I know it's hard and you're definitely going to keep feeling guilty for a while but it was the best decision. I'm sure he'll find someone else (:
That's really how I feel I guess. Makes me feel rather selfish to be honest, but at the same time I know it's what I should be doing - looking out for myself. Just confusing. :(
Thank you. :) I mean, I love hanging out with him and talking to him, but our relationship was just not making me happy. It was making me more depressed if anything because every time I would think about the future it would just upset me picturing it with him. It just wasn't what I wanted. I wish I had realized it sooner. I had a weird feeling about it all before, but I just couldn't pinpoint what exactly was bothering me so I just ignored it instead.
That does make me feel a lot better. :) I don't know, I think I just felt like I was overreacting and expecting something more that wasn't really real I suppose. Like I was leaving one thing in hopes for something that doesn't even exist, you know?
Well the thing with him and I was really just by accident. I didn't mean to go on xboxlive and have that happen. It just sorta did. I honestly wasn't looking to be with anyone at the time, but we just started talking and one thing led to another and now here I am. I don't necessarily think meeting someone online is bad. But I do think it can have it's own complications just like anything else and they really need to be taken in consideration. I think I just enjoyed my rose colored glasses a bit too much and didn't really consider the things that I should have.
Well thank you, I really appreciate you taking the time to post. :) It did make me feel much better. ❤
You've already gotten a lot of lovely feedback, but I just wanted to throw in that your expectations are not at all unrealistic. Saying "I want someone with ambition, a similar personality, and some education" is imo not asking for too much at all. It's not like you're asking for a billionaire-prince-charming-with-a-six-pack.
I'm frugal as well and I just want to live a comfortable lifestyle. Dating someone who lacked that same desire to learn and be successful would just... definitely not work for me. It takes a lot to know what is best for you and act on it, so props to you (:
Honey, don't you EVER feel guilty about something like that! You made 100% the right choice for you. You weren't feeling it, and that's ALL the reason you need. You're absolutely right in taking that action if you see fit. Wanting someone in the same general education area is entirely reasonable, especially with your explanation of wanting intelligent conversation at times. And I totally understand not wanting to support someone financially. You want to be a wife, not a bank account.
As for never finding someone else like that? That's a pile of bull shit, and it's totally wrong of him to even suggest that. Firstly because it simply isn't true, secondly because it's an attempt to guilt you into staying with him, it sounds like.
Like I said, you made the right choice for you. It's hard, and it'll hurt for a while, but you sound like you're glad you made it, and you have no reason to feel bad about that.
I think you did the right thing. It seems like you grew apart. I know how difficult it is now, but it will get so much better in time. You'll meet someone on the same intellect level as yourself, and you will find someone who will be your best friend and lover once again. Sometimes things end because something better is coming along, and I think that's what will happen for you. Keep your chin up <3