Hello, my name is Zeke and I suffer from depression and bipolar syndrome.

Since I was about 5, I wanted to kill myself. My father was/is psychically and verbally abusive towards me and my mom, my mom unfortunately killed herself a few years ago because of it, I assume. So now I'm all alone.

Kid's at school still call me weird and stupid and ugly... I try to hide my feelings behind my art; but it just doesn't work anymore...not like it used too, anyway. I get the feeling people even mock me behind my back, maybe even in-front of my back.

I had a girlfriend for a while; She started to change and tell me I was stupid and she'd pull my hair and hit me, I felt ashamed for not leaving for the longest time...but I finally got away just a few weeks ago. I haven't heard much from her since then. I don't think dating is something I'm even capable of without hurting someone to begin with. So I guess there's never a scenario in my that I'll be married...

I have so much more to say; but I can already assume most people who will read this will just think I'm whining for attention, it doesn't bother me since they're not me anyway. I'm just feeling like I should go away before I make things worse for others as well as my self...

;; awh, hunny, i'm sure you'll work through this. if you're in high school, just remember that you won't have to deal with any of these people after you graduate. if college, odds are you won't have to put up with their bull shitery either. graduate, get a nice job, and make your life the way you want to live it and not how others want you to like they're forcing on you now. stay strong. ❤️ and if you ever EVER need to talk, i'm here for you. c:

Middle School and High School are complete hell. :c I sincerely appreciate the help offer!

;; i can't speak for middle school, but my high school experience was absolutely horrid my freshman and sophomore year. things picked up last year, and this year, as a senior, while it isn't as bad as it was i know i'll graduate, go away to college, and not see them for the next 20 years until the reunion. and even rub my potential successes into the faces of the people who doubted me.

and trust me, i understand the feeling of being an outcast. c: it's not a lovely one.

It's even worse to think about if your kid's going to come up to you one day and tell them how he/she is depressed especially how some girls can be. I'd hate to have my daughter being called a slut and being harassed at school and I can only do so much....

:: Okay, honey, listen up. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The people who are making your life miserable now will be out of your life before you know it, and then you'll never have to think about them again, and everything will be SO much better. That is a promise. When I was thirteen, I decided to kill myself and it took a lot to talk me down out of it, but I am still here and life is amazing. Everything is so much better now than I even dared to dream it could be when I was thirteen. There are so, so many incredible things I would have missed out on if I'd gone through with it, and you're in that exact same position now. I know that it seems impossible to keep going but you absolutely can. You are strong enough to get through this, and some day you're going to be successful and surrounded by people who love and care about you, and you're going to look back on how you feel now and think about how glad you are that you didn't give up. Please, please, please keep going, because it'll all be worth it later. If you ever need to talk to anyone, you have me and everybody else who posts on this thread supporting you. Don't hesitate to contact us. Stay strong. ❤

I know it's a permanent solution; but I'm already 18 and I haven't experienced very much. Besides a few of my friends killing themselves, I'm just confused on what could happen in the future, too. But I did forget to mention several things in the post that are permanent effects in my life...

:: Eighteen is not old, honey. I know people who are older than you and have never once left the state I live in. But if you give up now, you'll never experience anything else, will you? You'll give up all your chances of doing amazing things. But if you get through this - and we all know you can - you have the potential to do absolutely anything you want. You can go to college and get an amazing job and be successful. You can pack up all your stuff and move somewhere far away where you can start over. If you keep living, the world is your oyster, but if you kill yourself it's all over and you'll never get to make anything of your life.

I can make a lot out of it, just not enough to make myself happy...

just to jump in, happiness is not 100% your control. I think the best that most of us can do is surround ourselves with people that make us feel happy or relaxed. I hope you find the right people in your life to make you happy, and if you do, don't push them away if you believe that you shouldn't be happy or you don't deserve it (because you do!). Annd you didn't deserve the nasty behavior from your girlfriend/exgirlfriend (I really hope you broke up with her).

:: But how can you possibly know that? How can you be sure that you will never be happy? Life is so, so good, Zeke. If you'll give it a chance, you'll see that.

It doesn't feel like I have anyone that I can have around me to make me happy, anymore...

I hate it when I have to say this; but what if it's not?...

you don't have anyone at the moment, but it doesn't mean you won't find them in your future. Part of that is finding accepting people and then accepting them too. And then allowing yourself to have fun and be happy. and seriously, it gets a lot better in college. high school (and being stuck with my family) was poisonous.

:: It is, Zeke. Look, everybody in the entire history of the world has gone through rough patches in their lives, okay? This is yours. Once you get through it, you're home free. If life really was this bad and it never got any better, people would be killing themselves in droves. Right?

@ Vilann

It all comes down between two options...

honestly, dying now isn't worth it. I've wanted to throw myself in front of buses before, I've been called, ugly, stupid, worthless, incompetent. I've been crushed in many ways, and many times by my own doing (because of something I might have believed at the time) -- but I've decided that it was going to change, and that I wasn't going to accept nasty words as true, and I wasn't going to accept anybody's "negative reinforcement" anymore. I just had to wait out my situation at times (being stuck at home with the family in the summer). I can look back and say it was bad, and realize that it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be when I was going through it.

your two options are either proving yourself better than what other people have been telling you or failing yourself. and it's something you've got to work out with yourself.

Dying is a permanent solution.It's a goodbye to one of a lifetime UNIQUE gift.A one way,no turning back. It's not the solution,really.I can understand,I can.I'm borderline,struggling with it since I started middle school.I rushed through everything,I lived hell,I was beaten. But I'm nineteen today,and I don't want to die.I want to prove to myself that man,I'm someone.I'm someone who will live,who will love and who will make mistakes.

Everything happen for a reason.I'm sure that you're a pearl,let the time goes by.You're still young,you'll be stronger. Happiness is hard to find,you have to search in small thing sometimes.And brick by brick,you build something better. It takes time,but it's worth it. Don't give up.If you need someone to talk,I'll listen.

I know what it is like to be made fun of, rejected and to be alone. It hurts deep, and you've been through a lot. People who mock and make fun of someone else are usually doing so because they are insecure and inadequate themselves. Don't let them fool you, because what they say is positively untrue. It is awfully hard not to listen, but I hope you will find the one thing or person in your life to give it meaning and a purpose.

Life isn't fun sometimes, or even a lot of times. Honestly, sometimes it is plain hell. But don't give up on it. Sometimes we look for happiness in all the wrong places, and don't even know it. Sometimes we hurt so much we can't see what the point of life is, but there always is one. I'm learning that life doesn't have to be fun or even my definition of happy to be good, fulfilling and even wonderful. It's a long process when you are hurt, but I believe in you that you'll find what you need to keep going.

You are an artist, and I think that is awesome. I am a writer, and found a lot of comfort in scribbling words and ideas and my feelings on paper. I started a journal, and wrote down it it every little thing that made me smile. I made myself look for those good things. A bird song, a glimmer of sunlight through the window. My favorite song playing on the radio. Wearing a cozy sweater. It helped me realize the myriad of good, little things that people couldn't take away from me. It made me realize I was stronger than the pain in my life.

Journaling might not do it for you, but maybe you can find something that does. And I'm encouraged by the fact that so many others who understand what you are going through are stepping up and reaching out. Hang in there. Don't give up on finding happiness yet.

I appreciate all of you for taking so much time to help me, even behind the screen you people saved my life.

I was in your same situation just a couple years ago. I thought i'd never get out of my rut. I was depressed since a young age. anti depresents never seemed to help, neither did therapy and i thought there was no point in even going on. i didn't think i'd become anything special and hated every rrelationship i'd been in. and even allowed myself to be abused by my partner for almost a year. But now, I'm happy with my life, with my plans. I sitll have days where i'm kind of down but not like i used to. i'm happy most the time and enjoy my life. do you mind if i ask you how old you are?