Proofread/critique pet story?
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Just wondered if anyone might be interested in checking out the pet story for my Irion, Sophie_and_Howl. As you can probably tell, I'm trying to base it on Sophie Hatter and Howl Pendragon (Jenkins?) from Diane Wynn Jones' Howl's Moving Castle. :)
Any help would be appreciated!
Don't tell. You are telling me he's handsome. You are telling me she doesn't think much of herself. You are telling me that she takes on all the responsibility. Why should I take your word for it? SHOW it!
"Sophie struggled to carry three bolts of heavy velvet over to the counter, trying to watch her footing as she staggered around her father's old shop. They fell onto the counter and Sophie let out a long breath, rubbing her back. She glanced out the window at her three sisters. She could hear the frivolous twitter and laughter as they prepared themselves to go out shopping in bright dresses of pink and purple silk with large bustles and sweet parasols. She looked down at her own plain dress and picked at the simple cotton fabric. Sophie sighed and looked to her father's picture above the cash register, as she often did when needing to be reminded of her responsibilities. At eighteen, she was in charge of the shop while her younger sisters enjoyed a life of leisure. The laughter outside the window got louder and Sophie turned her head to see what had cause it. A boy stood in front of her sisters, offering one of them his arm. The others giggled and turned red. Sophie turned away. That was not the life for her. She returned to her work cataloging the bolts of fabric and writing orders for more. A lady was looking for a fine hat lined with silk and ermine fur."
If you are writing about a character, then write as her. You know everything. You know how she is feeling, you know her past, you know her motivations. Use them, show them. She's walking on AIR! If you were walking on air, it wouldn't be just an exclamation point! It would be a holy shit, I'm terrified, I'm elated, I'm flying, this is amazing, this is impossible etc etc etc. WRITE THOSE FEELING. Don't just tell us what's happening from a superficial level.
This is the best advice I can give to any writer.