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Jul 23, 2013 12 years ago
Troll
is a sun worshipper
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Rotworm

I do not claim to be a writer at all. xD

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Basically my questions are, is the flow okay? How about the grammar, did I miss something (or maybe I'm quite possibly ignorant of a rule I broke)? Is the ending way too abrupt, or does it work? If it needs to be expanded on, what should I write about next? I really want to keep this a short story, so it can't be anything excessive. Oh and last but not least, is the story theme okay, I mean.. I'm not looking for a best selling short story, I just want to win pet spotlight. But if it's just plain terrible, let me know! I'd much rather start over if need be.

Thanks in advanced for those who take their time! ^_^

Jul 23, 2013 12 years ago
Derelict
has a strong pet
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Cheater

That is very good, I never would have been able to think of a character for a fish, I would have had trouble thinking of a character for any aquatic species for that matter, but you did it and you did it well. A lot of the times when I read some pet stories, they're too drawn out and don't get to the point without having 50 descriptive words in between everything. You had the perfect blend of detail and getting straight to the point, it was very well written, and I found myself wanting more, but in a good way. Great job!

Jul 23, 2013 12 years ago
Skolletta
Sir Quest-a-Lot
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I love your story! :) It's short and simple and the theme is very approachable, as is the strong personality. I'm not an expert on stories though, so others can critique that for you.

Now onto my area of expertise! While for the most part your grammar is reasonable, your punctuation really lets you down. Varying your punctuation would help a lot: as it is, you're a bit limited.

You often form run-on sentences by using commas instead of full stops, giving the impression that your story is rushed. Example: "I mean I'm a Clown Triggerfish, I shoudln't even be named something so absurd, but parents, parents like to torture their children with ridiculous names." should be closer to "I'm a Clown Triggerfish! I shouldn't be named something so absurd, but parents love to torture their children with ridiculous names." The repetition made it a bit of a strain to read. La la la

You also (like me) like to use a sentence structure that requires semi-colons, but you use commas instead. Your overuse of commas is a tad confusing - you can either remove them, reword the sentence a bit or add in some conjunctions! lalala Example: "I guess you could call me bitter, what made him so special that he was given the chance to have a great big adventure, and I'm just stuck here?" should be closer to "I guess you could call me bitter; what made him so special that he was given the chance to have a great big adventure while I was just stuck here?" La la la

I hope this was helpful and made some sense; I've been playing Dragon Age all day (my brain is full of fighting) and it's now past 1 a.m.

I can go through and give you some suggested corrections later today, if you'd like. :) Hopefully this wall of text will make more sense then.

:・゚✧:・゚:・゚✧
🔭🐢

Jul 23, 2013 12 years ago
Troll
is a sun worshipper
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Rotworm

Thanks! ^_^

Thanks for all of the help, I really appreciate it. I'll fix the run on sentences, and try and learn how to properly use semi-colons using that link. I've never really understood the proper use of them, and I avoid them like the plague so I'm not using something redundantly. xD Any and all help is greatly appreciated, don't feel forced to do so if you're busy though. :)

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