I rather the Hatter's last words not be changed. Because it was/is something special I was told. The rest of it, I wasn't sure about. Mainly because as I went through I noticed I left out a word =|

It's wonderful and very cute. Don't change the rabbit's last words one tiny bit because they are so sweet.

Hello, !

I thought I'd drop in and offer you a little opinion. ^^ It's not much because I don't want to upset anything if this is a special piece to you/don't know how serious you are about improving it.

I'll preface this by saying that I'm just referring to the writing in question, not you. A lot of people tend to get upset if someone mentions even a word is out of place. Since you asked if it reads okay, that's what I'll answer.

X. There are points where you use the same word within one-two sentences. Sometimes this repetition, done in quick succession, can be useful and beautiful. Done as frequently as it is here, it loses its poetic quality and seems more like the story should be using a different word or trimming one of the words.

Example: The wind picks up slightly, and with it comes an odd sort of musky smell. No, not musky, Works great. It's clear what you're indicating and that you need to repeat the word to be clear. It doesn't sound repetitive at all.

Example: more like, damp wood, mold and rain. ...Its damp, which more than likely explains the smell of rain. ...You can feel the dampness soak into your clothes. This doesn't work that well. It reads repetitive.You are using three forms of damp. Damp the smell, damp the touch, damp the wetness. Between the last two in particular there's little distinguishing. I'd suggest replacing two of the three with two different words. That will help add specificity to the scene and gives you two extra words to paint a clearer picture. Think of it as describing a house. You could say the house is red,red, and red. Or you could say it's red, Victorian, and old.

X. You don't have to vary all adjectives, but you probably should consider changing some of them. Along with using the same word boom boom boom you also use a few of the same adjectives throughout the piece. here and there is unifying, but you've got a few too many. A little variation wouldn't hurt. if you're curious about a noun or adjective, just search for it in your text, see how often it comes up and where. ^^

X. We don't have little white rabbits bouncing around gaily chiming about how late they are. Nor do we have fat little queens The "little" is the same as what I'm referring to up above. Aside from that, I think you have too many words in the rabbit's sentence. I'd suggest cutting it to 1 adjective for the rabbit (and queen; unrelated), especially if you want to include an adverb. This sentence is heavily bogged down. Bouncing speaks to the tone; you don't need gaily; it's excess and if you say it's out loud, it's the most unnecessary word in the sentence. Remove it and you get the same meaning. The reader will understand. Small note: Chime is good choice; clock term; matches well with an animal keeping time.

X. Let's talk about the darkness. I believe you're missing a few pieces in describing the surrounding darkness. Sure you could read it at a glance if you're not trying hard, but to a genuine reader going line by line, you're missing a little to tie it down firmly in their imagination. Intensity would be nice. You clearly vary it, but some level of dimness in the beginning is needed. It's obviously not pitch black because you can see shadows. The other part missing is when you first describe the male character. You can't see anything, but then you see shadow move deeper into the dark...And then you see a smile and can tell his suit is dirty? --> We are missing a light source.

X. Everything then fades to blackness again. This last line I'm really not happy with. Say it out loud a few times. There's something off about the flow. You can change it in a few ways, really that's up to you, but I'd suggest leaving up "then" because you're using the present tense. It'll just happen in the present; there's no need to say "then it did something." You get to just say "It does something." Rather than: Then the dog bites the robber's arm. You get to make it pure action: The dog bites the robber's arm.

Anyway, that's all I'll say for now. I hope it helps! :) Feel free to ask me if you have any questions!

the Hatters words will never change XD No worries there, my best friend actually told me those words, so they are staying as is.

Opinion away. Rewrite it if you must, only thing I ask, is the last bit, where the Hatter speaks isn't changed. That's the most important part to me. The rest, meh, if I have to, I'll change it to make it read better. I'll reread what you wrote though, and see if I can figure out something better. And it won't hurt my feelings any if you tear it to shreds XD I know I'm not the best writer. Even with Aeil's story I had someone rewrite it for me so it would flow better.

Just found a little grammatical error.

To be honest, I have no idea what was happening. I don't get the connection between Alice in Wonderland and their love. Probably because it's 12 and I'm too sleepy to understand anything :P

Other than that, good job. I can imagine the scenery thanks to your descriptive language.

Hello lovely ... I've read your story and rewritten parts of it. (Though I tried to keep the same "feel" to the story, because I really liked it, and many elements are the same.) I elaborated at certain points, adding slightly new elements to your story, so that it was easier to follow. In your version, you went from one scene to the next without any real transition. I also fixed some grammatical mistakes, and changed it so that everything was in the present tense. You slip from present tense to past tense when she begins to speak and you stay there for the rest of the story. I did not change the last words spoken, but I did change a little some punctuation in that portion. (Well, I take that back... I changed "its" to the correct form of "it's"...)

Please feel free to use my version, take ideas from it, whatever you want to do.

I am, by no means, claiming that all my grammar is correct. To be honest, I ignore grammar rules sometimes in favor of making my writing sound more informal, more like I speak.

I think you are a better writer than you give yourself credit for, as coming up with an idea is half the battle... With practice, you'd get better at putting your ideas into words.

[edit]Was re-reading it to see if I could spot any mistakes, and I spotted something that I think would work better with a change... I've removed the portion of the story where he refers to the reader as "my dear," so that there is a greater emphasis on his affection for Lamb when he uses the same endearment to address her later on in the story.

Omg, thank you so much!!! I love how you rewrote it! I literally smiled the whole time reading it. It still has that eerie feel to the darkness I was going for, while still keeping with how I wrote it. I couldn't have asked for a better version of it. I did credit you for rewriting it on her page too. Its the least I can do. I dont want to take credit for the rewrite when I didn't do it. But I absolutely love your writing style. And I love what you did with Lambi's story.

I think the only pet I've got that won spotlight that wasn't reworked was Ovie XD Aeil had her story rewritten so it flowed better too. I know my mom's always said that you're your worst critic, and it just kinda stuck with me. I don't think much of my writing. Never really have.

I've been thinking about Seais' story lately, I want his to be a continuation of hers, but not the same. Seais is supposed to be the darkness, he's the nightmares. I was trying to figure out /how/ to come up with his back story, when I figured if he only love broke his heart, it would allow the darkness to over take him, thus he himself turning dark. Then I adopted Skelita, and though I didn't have plans for her at first, I want to make her the reason Seais is the way he is.

And I'm rambling XD

I'm really glad you liked it. You didn't have to credit me, but it is very nice of you to do so... You'll need to take the hyphen out from in front of my username, if you want it to display correctly though. XD )

Writing is like most things, it takes practice to really get good at it... My writing from 10 years ago was mostly dialogue with very little description... Or description, with very little dialogue. It takes time to find the right balance... After all this time (of sporadically writing bits and pieces of stories), I've figured out what works for me... Dialogue, description of actions, and the occasional description of characters and their environment. It's become my style, as you call it. It may not be how others would write, but I can re-read what I write now and be satisfied. Something I couldn't do when I started writing, but I never gave up... I was too determined to write about the people (i.e. my characters) haunting my thoughts.

My suggestion to you is to just keep at it. If you have the ideas, write them down to the best of your ability. Then, if you feel like it needs improvement, be willing to edit and rewrite. Be open to coming back to it later... At some point, I think you'll get to the point where you won't have to ask others for help... Or, at least, not as often. (In fact, I'm going back and looking at old stories and reworking them now.)

If it makes any difference, I'd like to say that I think you've got some great ideas that are worth writing down... You should at least try to get the basic concept written down, so you can work on it later. As a writer, I don't think anything is as frustrating as having a great idea only to forget it before I can do anything with it.

Thanks for catching that. I didn't even notice it when I typed in your name.

I know with Lambi's story I was just sitting around then BAM. With Seais I was in the shower. Wonderful timing for a story -.- I write sporadically. When I was younger I wrote all the time. Then when I got with my ex, I just, sorta gave up on it. But talking to my best friend, and having a new boyfriend, has really rekindled my love of writing.

I know I'll eventually have to write down bits and pieces for Seais, but so far the main concept is so crammed into my head, I'm not worried about losing it. Which is rare, since with Lambi I /had/ to write hers as it came to me. But I'll definitely have to grab a cheap notebook or something to jolt down ideas in, before I lose them.

I do work on my stories almost every day now, but mostly it's editing and working on character summaries. In the process, sometimes a little bit more of the story will reveal itself or an edit to a portion will lead into several paragraphs of text. The past two years have been especially productive. A series of things happened in my life, which made me simultaneously more confident in my ability to write and less concerned about what other people think about my writing. Emotions really do make a difference, when you are trying to do something creative.

Currently, I've got many different story lines I'm working on at once, and I'll skip around from one to another, depending on my mood. It makes my life so much easier to make notes... If you can focus on one or two character or even five or six, it's easier to keep track... I'd say I've got at least thirty mains though... Not counting all the secondaries. I've started carrying around a clipboard and loose-leaf paper... (A notebook would work as well... Really any scrap paper will due, as long as you can manage to keep track of it...) When I get finished making my notes, I tuck them away in sheet protectors within a binder. Or a folder, if it's notes for something I'm not actively working on...

-glances at the stack of binders and papers to her right- Urmm... Yeah... My stash of ideas can be a little intimidating at times.

I've told people on various occasions that if I just allow myself to write about what interests me, I'll never run out of things to write. XD