My son will be turning four in July.. Recently he has been having sever behavior issues at Daycare. I switched him from one daycare to another because I thought the issue was just that the staff were not watching him properly, but when I enrolled him into his new daycare the same things started happening again.

At home he is a great child, asks to help me clean up and listens when I tell him to do/not to do something without any opposing, The only apparent problem in front of me is he doesn't like to share his toy cars with his little brother but at daycare it is a whole new story. He yells at kids/teachers and throws hard objects.. Puts toys into the toilet and downright defies anything he is asked to do (circle time, drawing, any group activities) lashes out and has a total meltdown.. He has even gone so far as ripping the other children's art work off the walls and stomping on them.

I have never witnessed him do any of these things so it is still hard for me to believe something could be wrong with him but.. is this my fault? What can I do? I'm a single mother, I have to work to keep a roof over our heads and food on our plates.. If no one can take care of my apparently out of control son, How on earth will I be able to provide.

I've of course thought of a child psychologist, I can't exactly afford one and if they tell me there is nothing the matter with him, I'm back at step one, with no daycare willing to take on my sons.

Anyone with children have any advice?

I don't have children, but as a babysitter I know all about this one. Or at least an assumption of what is going on.

I'm assuming he and his brother are your only children, therefore they both have your attention most of the time. When he goes to school, he has to share his attention with other children, which he obviously doesn't seem to like. He sounds like he plays up due to a lack of attention. Sadly I have no idea how to stop this, but at least you know (Or have a option of what) the problem is at the moment.

I would try teaching him how to share more, and try make him be more independent. This will be hard, but I'm sure you can manage.

Good luck! ~

You need to find a positive male influence for your son. It could be your dad, uncle, brother, a male friend, even just a mentor/teacher. As long as boys grow up with a positive male role model in their life, they will be much less angry.

^^LOLWUT. A child can grow up just fine missing one gender in their life.

ANYWAYS...is he the only one acting up? Just because my daughter is kind of the same way. Not as severe as yours, but she's being a follower (and I hate it). She NEVER acts up. But sometimes when she's with kids who are assholes, she acts up because she is just doing what they're doing. Maybe have a talk with him and find out what he thinks is the problem. Ask him if he is just doing what he sees other kids do, or if it is like Candyfloss says and he's feeling ignored. Good luck! It's hard to get a grip sometimes, but stay firm! Its the best way if you just lay down the law for them. Tell him this is not how you act EVER. And I don't know if you "baby" your kids, but I have found really that if you just treat them like they're not idiots, they usually catch on faster and have a little more respect for everyone involved.

Elaborate on this logic please

Thank you, I'm glad I'm not the only one who landed on this as option number one.. I really think this is probably what is going on with him, either that or a combination of me not being there and as Harpie said, laying down the law.. because I don't baby my children.. I talk to them as if I am talking to an adult because they are not any less smart.. Maybe the teachers because they are bound by law feel they need to treat them as such.. I'm not sure.

........??...

Sorry if I missed this in your post - how long has he been in daycare for? Perhaps he's experiencing separation anxiety, or he feels that since you're not around, he can get away with things. It's a difficult thing to gage.

When I worked with kids in kindergarten there were quite a few who felt that after they left their parent's care, they didn't have to behave anymore. One little girl put it quite perfectly when I told her to be gentler and kinder to her peers when she was being miserable. She said, "But why?" But why indeed. Why should they? Mom isn't there so why behave? Heck even I did it, and sometimes I did it in front of my mother, which baffled her. I think it baffles all parents when their kids go rogue. It could be attention and bitterness over the fact that you're not there, but regardless, he needs to catch on that respect goes to everyone, not just you. I think confrontation is an important thing here. If you haven't already, make him aware that you know what he's doing, and that it is not acceptable. My mother drilled it into me repeatedly before we went anywhere, and that combined with the worry that she has 'eyes everywhere' pushed me into behaving, and I learned what respect meant. If he believes he can get away with it, then he will. Sit down, talk with him, find out if there is a reason, and tell him that you are given reports on his behavior, and that misbehavior there will have a consequence at home.

Honestly, kudos to not babying your kids. My mother raised me in the same respect and it was such a better life than being 'the kid in the corner'. Not only do you grow up comfortable with adults, but you can hold a respectable conversation, which carries through life.

Also, ignore the whole daddy figure thing. An old friend of mine was a single boy with a single mom, and he grew up into one of the most talented, hard working, and respectable guys I've ever known. No father figure necessary.

He has been in daycare since he was 2 years old but we switched his daycare to make him closer to home, and then his brother was born.. Nothing has happened till recently... he was in the first daycare where he started having problems for about 6 months before anything arised.. now this new daycare he has only been to three times.. :x I looked into separation anxiety and I have decided to rule this out. He acts fine when watched by any of my family member, and family friends, and he acted just like he did at home when I put him into a dayhome for a trial run. He just needs the one on one time.. -shakes head-

I do talk to him, every day when he comes home and before daycare, I ask him to behave and when he comes home he lies.. He is three and looks me straight in the eye telling me he behaved when his teachers tell me exactly what he did that day to misbehave. Thank you though. I think we are just going to end up moving him to the daycare that helped raise me, which is farther away but, seems like a better idea.. I mean they had me from the ages 5-8 years old, and I can say that, having me and my brother in the same room all those years, could not have been easy.

Being an older daycare they have more tolerance, I believe. I mean the same two people still work there after all this time, and I turned out be be a respectable adult. ( I hope. )

If it doesn't work out there.. Well.. I'm going to try a few suggested things from my pediatrician.. like diet changes, less sugar.. that kind of thing.

Why not lie to you if he can do it? He knows he's lying and that he's misbehaving, and he seems to believe he can get away with it just fine if he still does it. What would be a shock is the fact that he can't trick you and that you aren't stupid. Do you punish him for what he does? You know he's lying, he knows he's lying, a punishment is not unfair here. Maybe this is a wacky suggestion, but what about plain out tricking the kid? If he does this regularly, take a few hours out one day, drop him off as usual, leave as usual, wait a bit, then double back around. Hide. Hide and wait and watch. Catch him in the act and do something about it right there. Bring in one of the daycare teachers and sit him down with the teacher and explain it all right there. You shouldn't have to move him to a more tolerant daycare. It doesn't benefit him if he goes somewhere that puts up with more, it gives him opportunity to push harder, scream louder, freak out even more because they handle more and he can get away with more.

I tried that, He acted just fine while I was there on Friday and I was told a few hours after I left all hell broke lose, I had to work so I couldnt stay longer than 2 hours.. and the daycare has told me they don't want him there, and that he is too much for them. I cant switch him to a dayhome because it is definatly not in my budget. Even though I know it would benifit him more.

I'm tied.

Is there any way they can film this? At all? A video phone, anything? If he doesn't believe that you really know, he needs to. Solid proof that you can witness together might be the answer to the whole 'I haven't done anything' claim.

[edit] The only problem I could see with this though is how much trust you'd have to put in the teachers to not spread the video around. I'm not sure what confidentiality agreements daycares have.

Maybe this is a dumb question but has anyone asked him what the matter is? A lot of the time children can tell you what the problem is. In my classroom if a student is having a problem I allow them time to either draw a picture or write me a story that tells me how they are feeling. If nothing else, this gives me something to start with and can lead to a conversation about the behavior that needs to be fixed.

Oh my goodness :( I wish I knew. I have a three year old as well, she'll be four in December. She's at home with me all day though, so I'm no help when it comes to daycare. My daughter is going to go to a behavioral therapist soon, but we have Medicaid.

Maybe he acts out because he knows you're not there to discipline him? It concerns me that he lies to your face. Maybe he doesn't realize he's lying, I dunno. I don't know how complex their ability to lie is at this age.

My daughter's ped also suggested cutting down on the sugar. I've heard of dietary changes helping kids leaps and bounds. It's always worth a try, but I know how difficult it is with little kids since most are reluctant to change their habits.

I hope you find something out soon :(

If that's your response to my advice then there's nothing else I can say. I tried to help, oh well.

I have spent many years as a fully time nanny for allllll kinds of kids and am VERY familiar with this problem - believe me! The main causes, i find are: a) poor disciplinary routine from the parents b) a deeper-seated emotional problem eg. separation anxiety or attention seeking c) discomfort within a foreign routine. Let me elaborate - I think we have ruled out option a) as it sounds like you are a very reasonable parent and you know when and when not to punish your child and how to identify unacceptable behaviour. From what you have written, I'd put my money or either b) or c). As many people have said it here already - talk to him. Don't approach it in a negative way, telling him what he did wrong and how he will be punished - first you need to establish WHY he is acting out, so ask him kindly and without intimidation techniques. Body language is a big one to take note of here. Mention that you heard how he "______" and then ask him how come he did that/said that - just as you were asking him what he had on his sandwich that day. He is more likely to give you an honest answer if he trusts that he won't be punished. It is easier to rectify a behavioural problem if you approach it as a team, working to fix a mistake, rather than strict punishment for bad behaviour. i.e. Hypothetically, if he told you he missed you while you were gone, and that is why he gets angry at daycare, work together to come up with strategies to help him feel better when he misses you.

Alternatively, it could be an issue within the daycare's routine. This could be as simple as an altered nap time, meal time or meal itself. Ask him to describe his day (ask the teachers too) and tell you the things he likes doing and doesn't like doing. For the bad parts of his day, ask him how he felt (eg. angry) and how he acted when he felt that way. A hiccough in routine for a child that age can be surprisingly upsetting. I've seen kids happy as anything, but miss a meal or try and put them down for an early nap and it becomes WW3!

Ask the daycare if he can bring in a "comfort item", be it a blanket, toy or even a little photo album of you and him together. Two little girls (2 and 5 yrs old) that I used to nanny used this method at their daycare every day and it made tremendous improvements in their behaviour. Above all - I wish you luck and remember, he won't be 3 forever. It's exhausting now but he'll grow out of it! Just keep focusing your energy on being a good person and responsible parent and he has no choice but to grow up a wonderfully rounded little boy. :)

I lived at a daycare for 18 years. I lived with my grandparents, and my grandmother babysat during the day, 5 days a week. She has about 4 kids max at a time. These children come when they are a few months old, and leave when they turn 13.. sometimes 16 or 17. Its a family. All the kids call her Gram (as I and my cousins do). Even the parents call her Gram. I think he would be better off in a smaller daycare. Something in someone's house. These children have respect for her because its not like a teacher, its like a close relative.