This is kinda long, sorry. ^^

Alright...So I have this little " problem" where I've fallen out with religion. I was raised in a somewhat religious environment (not overtly so) and although I've had my hardcore moments, I got to a point of no return. You know, that point where no matter what other people do or say, religion just makes no more sense to you and you can't pretend change never happened and believe it all over again. I'm not athiest, but I have a totally different concept of spirituality and God from the rest of my family. But my parents are convinced I'm still a Christian and, my mother especially, has tried to feed me her beliefs non-stop, especially while I was living at home. That includes dragging me to church, constantly speaking to me about God and asking me if I'd fulfilled my christian duties every day. It was nerve wrecking and stressful, but I did it, because I love my mother and I couldn't stand seeing her broken and devastated over the fact that I don't believe what she does anymore. Because in her mind, it's like knowing her own child is going to go to hell. And she has so many problems and disappointments in her life that I didn't want to cause her another.

In the meantime, I met a lovely guy on the internet, whom I have met and fallen for, and which I currently live with many many countries away from home. He's been most loving and embracing and helped me in my struggles and made me see that what I believed wasn't wrong and it was alright to be different. Ever since the beginning, my parents really liked him, but there was an issue: he isn't baptized.

I am content with how things are now in my life. But the issues with my parents persist. They'd like to have my boyfriend baptized in "our" religion and, if we should ever get married we'd have a strict religious ceremony, wich is what neither of us would want. We always dreamed of something sweet and romantic, but that would upset my parents.

So it feels unfair to make him convert and comply to my family's ways, just because they can't accept that we could ever not be Christians...

But I love my parents and I don't want to upset them and I don't know how to deal with the differences between us...

So yeah.... What would you do in my situation?

You tell the truth, that's all you can do. Forcing yourself to participate in your parent's religion when you don't believe in it isn't a good thing to do. It both robs you of your freedom of belief and it robs your parents of the truth while assuming they can't handle reality. Your parents are adults and if they have the capacity to reason they aught to be able to understand how you feel and accept that feelings such as faith aren't in anyone's control.

It is their responsibility as parents to love and accept their child regardless of their child's beliefs long before it is your responsibility as a child to adopt their beliefs to soothe them.

Just tell them that you're still a good person and that you chose to tell them how you really feel because being genuine and honest is important. Assure them that your choices aren't conscious decisions to rebel, but an attempt to follow your own beliefs just as they had the opportunity to do when they followed their beliefs and chose their particular religion.

If your parents are putting this much pressure on you to conform to their religion, then it seems pretty clear to me that they do not respect you, your boyfriend, your choices, or your judgement. It is unfair for them to expect you and your boyfriend to conform to their religion, and especially if they would expect your marriage (should you eventually get one) to revolve around them and their beliefs. (If you do ever get married, you may want to consider the fact that allowing them to pay for any part of your wedding will give them some amount of control over it.)

As for how to deal with the issues between you, it sounds like you may eventually have to stand up for yourself and confront them about it, if they keep insisting on pushing their beliefs onto you. It's unfair, and it's wrong for them to continuously do that.

As for what I personally would do in your situation? If it were my parents being that overbearing, I wouldn't associate with them any longer. Since you're so worried about this whole thing, that's likely not the right path for you, but for me personally, if someone cannot respect my choices, then they don't belong in my life.

I'm gonna play devil's advocate for a minute here...

What you (and your partner) believe matters to your family. Like you said, your mom genuinely believes that her child, her potential son-in-law, and any of the children they might have will all being going to hell. You may not share that belief, but to her it's real, and you must understand how scary of a thought that must be for her to have.

I'm not saying you have to believe in a higher power to please your family, by any means. Your religious beliefs are entirely your own to decide. But if you should get engaged/married, and all it takes to have him accepted as part of the family is a little water sprinkled on his head, would that really be so bad? You would just be going through the motions, but it would mean the world to your family. I'm not suggesting either of you should fake it, however; you should make it clear that if he does go through with it, it would be purely superficial - don't hide the fact that he isn't spiritually converting. Let them know he'd be doing it purely to please them.

As for the overall, however? You should be as honest as you feel you can be in regards to where you stand in your beliefs. I understand that being entirely open about it could really hurt your mother, so it is a delicate situation that needs to be treated as such. Make it sound as positive as you can; don't say you've fallen out with religion. You mentioned you're not an atheist, which means you do still hold some spiritual beliefs (agnostic?)? Explain what they are to her, without putting down her own beliefs in the process. If you intend to go to church with her when you visit, say so. Remind her you're still going to live with the morals and values she raised you with.

Long story short? Something you have to ask yourself (and your partner): Would it be worth potentially causing a damaging rift between you and your family by drawing the line? Or would it be better to consider being a little more flexible, if only to keep the peace?

(As for what to do in regards to a wedding ceremony? Maaaybe you should think about crossing that bridge when you get to it. Hell, I'm engaged, date set for August 1st, and we still have no idea what kind of ceremony we're going to have. At this point, anything above saying "fuck it" and running down to city hall is being done simply to please our families, sooo... D=)

I appreciate your insightful advice. :)

We've thought about going through with it for my family's sake. The only problem with that we'll keep up the appearances of being true Christians which might cause other expectations from them in the future... Also, it would just feel fake.... And thirdly, I'm afraid we might end up making the entire event of the marriage (should it happen) about pleasing them, instead of celebrating what we have... But I wouldn't like to cut off from them, either....ARGH! It messes my mind up just thinking about it. Dx I can say I've done well posing as a believer when it was just me, but I don't want to drag my boyfriend into this...:/

I suppose my parents will find out sooner or later (I would hope later). I think they might have a feeling about it. But I'd hate to confirm their worst fears. >_> Yeah, I am sort of along the lines of agnostic, but I don't think that would be of much comfort. To them, I might as well say I'm atheist, it's just as bad. They'd just probably take me by the hand to an exorcist or something... lol. No, but really, knowing my mom, it would cause her some form of depression, I'm sure. Which is why I'm so very reluctant to say anything....ever.

My family is Christian Orthodox (one of the most conservative kinds of Christianity out there) and me and him actually went to one of my family member's wedding two years ago... Made me smile how he was so much like " 'the hell is going on here?" during the entire thing. xD It's really strict. You don't get those romantic weddings outside, no vows, not even a kiss at the end.... Which ahem are all the things I've wanted...>.> le sigh So he made it clear he wanted nothing like what we'd seen. That ought to make it easy, huh?

Aww, congratulations! I hope you'll be really happy. ^^ I wish we could just wing it like that.xD Sounds adventurous!

P.S. Sorry for the insane amount of smiley faces and crap... It's habit.

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Oh, you've put my frustration into words right there. It is unfair. But I think about my mom and I don't think I have the heart to come clean. She's the kind of mother that's always put everything else before herself. She's never invested in herself or her own enjoyment. My only brother is severely autistic and her husband lets her down whenever she needs him the most. Not to mention now her only supporting daughter is miles and miles away from home. Religion, I think, is the one thing keeping her sane. That and the hope and belief that I have the same faith as well. And if I ever did tell her I know she'd break down and blame herself. Same would happen if I cut myself off from her. And I don't think I would be able to bear with the guilt...

So it's like I'm in some kind of tug-of-war between the things I want and my mother's feelings and peace of mind. The sad part is, I don't see it coming to an end any time soon.:(