Ok, so I've never really talked about this before with anyone, besides my parents, so I'm probably going to ramble and not make any sense. Ugh. This is going to be long, but I feel like maybe you guys can help me or at least commiserate.

I am 29 years old and I have clinical depression, generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and panic attack disorder. It all started in middle school, for no apparent reason other than the fact that my brain just decided to fuck me over for funsies. I am also certain that I have OCD and something else that I really have no idea what it could be (or maybe it's a part of the rest).

The 'something else' is difficult to explain. I have a problem with the movements and sounds that people make. For example, when I see someone jiggling their leg or hear someone picking their nails, I get instantly uncomfortable and angry. I have to tell the person to stop or get away from the movement/noise or I will blow up. Usually I can control it enough to ask them politely to stop (usually I only tell my parents to stop though - I don't have the balls to ask anyone else). It really affects (effects?) my life because my anxiety around people is already bad enough without something like that making me uncomfortable. I know this has to be some kind of disorder or something. Someone told me maybe Asperger's Syndrome? But I don't really know. I'd love to have a name to put to it.

The other part of my current problem is that I'm unable to find a job. I've applied for a few things, but honestly I haven't tried as hard as I should because I get so anxious about going in anywhere, that it sends me into a panic attack. My social anxiety is such that the thought of spending 8 hours in a place with people I don't know (or don't know well anyways) sends me into either a deep depression or another panic attack. I feel like no one will give me a chance, or that I'll screw up and look like an idiot...and while these aren't big problems to a 'normal' person, they are huge deals to me. My...conditions, for lack of a better term, are making it very hard, if not impossible, to find work.

So here's where my next idea comes in. I'm wondering if it would be possible for me to go on disability (at least until I could find something...or get better...I don't know). On one hand, I hate the idea, because I don't want to take it away from people who really need it. But then...I do really need it. I'm torn. If I knew I could get it, I'd get it. But I have no idea how to go about starting the process of even finding out if I could get it. I'd probably need a doctor's visit, right? But I can't afford that, no way no how.

So...I don't know. looks up God, text wall. Sorry about that. If you bothered to read, let alone reply, I really appreciate it. I guess what I really want to know is this:

How do I go about finding out if I can get/applying for disability? (I'm in Michigan, btw, if that helps.)

Do you have any idea what it could be that makes me so unhappy with others' sounds/movements?

You would need doctor visits. Multiple doctor visits, before you could get disability. If you go to a doctor, they will give you various medications to try. Different combinations of different things until they find something that will work. Which in my opinion is better then just jumping right in to get disability. I also feel like getting a job is a self-fulfilling prophecy for you. You aren't trying as hard as you could, because of the anxiety you have about getting a job. Id say check for work in storage rooms of different companies. Or some type of data entry. Something where you arent dealing with a lot of people.

No idea about the disability, but I have that same thing about sounds and movements as you do. I just attribute it to a weird anxiety tick because it causes me to have the same generalized symptoms of my anxiety issues :P

I've already had quite a few doctor visits, back in high school when I was still on my parents' insurance, and tried quite a few different things, but nothing really works. Paxil is the only thing that really helps at all, but it doesn't do enough. It wouldn't be like I'm 'jumping right in' to get disability. I have been looking for a job with less people though...but everything I've found requires experience or is too far away to afford the drive. shrug I don't know. I guess I'll figure something out eventually. Thanks for the reply.

It's really good to hear I'm not the only one! I kind of thought it was just me with the aversion to sounds and movements. I actually just had a smail from someone who suggested it might be something called Misophonia. I'm going to look into that - maybe you'd want to as well. :)

First look for a mental health association/organization/help group in your area. They will have some idea of what it takes to quality for disability benefits in your area and how to go about it. They may have, or know of, free resources for doctors if you need to see one to fill out forms.

As for a job, there are several things you might try before giving up. One is volunteering. Look for a volunteer center in your area. If you don't have one, then check out various local charities or, if you're a religious person, your church. Volunteering can be done as little as a couple of hours a week to get you used to being around others. It can give you the opportunity to learn strategies to deal with things that may be a problem at a work place, but doing it at your own pace. Also, if you can, volunteering at a mental health organization could really work for you because they may have strategies and suggestions to help you cope with things that come up. Hopefully, through volunteering you can develop both coping skills and some confidence that you can work.

Another option is to go to an employment center and discuss your needs and limitations. Perhaps explore career options you haven't considered before that might suit your specific needs - low stress, not having to deal with people, etc. There may also be opportunities to work from home.

You might also want to consider some internet research - carefully though, the internet is a great resource, but there's also a whole lot of BS here :D. Google Social Anxiety coping on the job. See how others manage and if any of their methods could work for you.

IT HAS A WORD. ;v; I could cry.

That was my reaction exactly! T_T

I just want to tell you that I am so sorry you're going through this, and that I'm hoping for the best for you! And that you need to be confident in yourself, because you seem like a strong, hard-working person, and I'm certain that others will notice that and will like you! You can't expect others to like you if you don't like yourself. So keep your chin up, keep believing in yourself, think positive thoughts and good things will happen because you deserve it! I'm sure you're future co-workers will love working with you, and you with them. Just keep trying love, and it will all work out! <3

I'm sorry to hear about all of what you are, and have went, through. ;w; I wish you the best of luck.

Also if it makes you feel any better I have a thing with certain noises where they just bug me like crazy, and then I get really angry. :C I hate it.

You need an official diagnoses (and multiple opinions) and then documentation to back that up. After that, you can either apply online or go into your local Social Security office where a SS worker will help you apply. After that it takes maybe 3 months for everything to be reviewed. Your benefits stack from the time you officially apply, so if you qualify for 100 dollars per month and it takes 3 months for review, your first check will be 300 dollars.

I've been dealing with health issues since around 2001. I pretty much just tried to deal with it over the years, but it got worse and worse and eventually started to have a huge impact on my mental health, my ability to work, my social life...you name it. I left a great paying job because of it and tried to work from home so I could have more control over my surroundings. Working from home is tricky because you have to find a company that is legit about it (a good way to tell is if they want you to pay money to them for the job, it's probably not legit.) That helped a bit but because my issue is mostly medical, I ended up having to apply for disability.

Thanks to having 10 years of medical documentation, I had no problem being approved. I didn't even have to visit one of the social security doctors. However, one of my friends had back surgery and lots of issues with her back, and she was depressed too, but since she had a lot less paperwork she was denied I think 3 times before she was finally approved. She had to get a lawyer and appeal her denial. You need to be seeing a doctor on a regular basis, trying to work on getting your depression under control, otherwise you probably won't have a very easy time getting approved.

Good luck in getting a job or with disability, whichever works out for you. I know it's difficult to make the decision to apply, but if you need it there is no shame in it.