Abusive, unrespecful and stealing roommate
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Hi everyone,
I've been on and off here lately, because I'm having major trouble with one of my roommates. I don't know if I should take the next step- which is going to the police, as promises have been made (for the bazillionth time though) and I am someone who feels guilty very easily, and someone who has never stepped up to someone who tries to dominate me. I've always just ran away.
This is going to be a wall of text, because so much has happened. But I really need some advice.
wall of text
I live in a student home, with five men. I'm the only woman in the house. Everyone has separate rooms which can be locked from both the outside and the inside, and only the kitchen, toilet and shower are shared. There is no common living room or something like that.
I've been living here for almost two years now, and I've never had any problems. Not until a new guy moved into the room next to me. I don't want to post his name here- so I'll call him B.
It's a long story, so I've translated (from Dutch) parts of the email I sent to the house owner to show you guys some of the things he's done.
-I'm missing 7 glasses, 2 cups, several forks and knives, some plates, etc. -He gave me back my playstation 2, dartboard en wooden chair broken. Well, I had to take them back from his room, as he never returns anything he's 'borrowed'. -He gets into my room and takes stuff without asking me. All my playstation controllers, one of my chairs and a towel ended up in his room, without me giving them to him. And if I ask if I can have it back he declines, so I have to take it back when he's not there. -One night he forced me to smoke weed while I had never done this before and did not want to. When I was stoned and had fallen asleep on the couch, I was awoken by a tongue in my mouth, and he started groping me. I did not want this to happen, but because I was so out of it I did not know what was going on and could not resist. -Stuff keeps missing from the freezer, my washing powder gets used, and I can't leave my shampoo in the shower. -He keeps making noise at night. The tv is on until 4 in the morning, and the music starts at 8 in the morning. When I asked him to please turn it down, he told me I was 'being fucking childish' because he has the right to play his music loud sometimes. After that, he turned the music up deliberately. -He forces me to roll his joints for him, and everytime I tell him no, I'm a 'stupid bitch'. -A couple of weeks ago I asked him to do his dishes (they had been standing there for a month; imagine fly infestations, larvae and fungus all over the kitchen), and he almost punched me. He threatened me: 'I want to set fire to your fucking ugly face' and walked towards me with his fists all tensed up. He kept cursing at me and I went to my room crying. If I hadn't walked away he would've punched me.
I don't feel safe at home anymore; besides all this, he keeps the front door open all day or night so that he doesn't have to open the door for his friends, I've found the gas still being on in the kitchen late at night (one flame and BOOM), and I have to keep all my things locked up in my room. He has anger issues and I know he uses cocaine, so I'm scared to go out of my room when he's here. I have to lock myself inside.
When I tell him to not touch my things he grabs them anyway and tells me not to be so 'materialistic'. And he's a smooth talker, while I am not, so he twists the truth in his favor everytime I confront him with it.
I've never ever been so mad at someone that I have yelled at them; I have never yelled at anyone in my life. But I have yelled at him. And when I told him not to follow me and not to touch me, he kept doing it, so I went into my room crying. He then started to make fun of me by mimicking my cries and telling me what a sad, sad person I was.
And a couple of days ago, I put all his stuff in front of his door when he was away, because I hoped he would finally clean it up when he came home. Instead, he became mad, started kicking and punching in my door (which almost flew out, even though it was locked) and I have never been so scared as I was back then in my life. He proceeded to put many pieces of furniture in front of my door, such as closets and tables and locked me in. All the while he kept punching at my door. I filmed all of it. I was locked in and couldn't go anywhere, and he told me he was going to make my life miserable and that I apparently had 'started a war'. I had to call a friend to remove all the furniture and I was very, very scared.
Eventually I called the police, but they told me they couldn't do anything about it. So I sent an email to the house owner and the real estate agent, and now they have officially given him a warning; One more call from me, and he's out.
So I wanted to leave it at that, but both his girlfriend and his mother called me to ask what had happened, because he had apparently twisted all these things in such a way that he had never stolen anything, probably just 'my heart', and that I was secretly in love with him, and jealous of his girlfriend. This motherfucker doesn't even seem to realize I'm (probably) asexual and in general just prefer to be left alone. He kept asking me why I wouldn't sleep with him these past weeks, and I kept on telling him it was because he was unclean, a fucking asshole, and very immature, and that I have never loved someone in my life (and probably never will) I've tried sex once (with someone I did feel some affection for, mind you) and I absolutely hated it. I told him all this, and still he twists the story in his favor.
His girlfriend broke up with him though. She said he had been aggressive to her as well, and that she recognized many things from my stories about him. His mother told me to please not go to the police, and that she would talk to him. He returned this morning, however, and he's still demanding I apologize to him for spreading 'lies'. Plus, he has already convinced one of the other people who lives here to clean the house for him while he's sitting on his ass gaming and cursing at me, offering this guy a cold beer and to sit with him for a while. Both his mother and girlfriend support me though, apparently they both know what an asshole he is.
I don't know what to do; I can still go to the police, or I can hope this all blows over. But he's already trying to win our other housemates over by offering them beer and all kinds of things, so that they won't testify against him. And he's a smooth talker, so he already succeeded with one of the two. I've got tons of evidence: I photographed every single mess he made, and I recorded him smashing in my door and not leaving me alone. But I don't want to start a shit storm, and looking at the way the police responded before, I doubt I'll have much help from them.
EDIT: update
The real estate agent sent B a letter in which all the official warnings he got were stated. It was a massive list (8-9 things). It also said that if he were to do any of those things ever again, he would be evicted. The day after he came home drunk on a sunday morning, at six. First one of his friends rang the bell continually for about 15 minutes until someone opened the door, all because B told his friend that he was too lazy to open the door himself with the key, so he could walk ahead and keep ringing until someone opened the door for him. After that, B came home as well, and put on loud music. I recorded everything again.
I called the landlord again with this information, and he told me to send an email to the real estate agent, especially because B still does not respect me and he gets violent easily. (he still says this is all my fault, and that I'm just a 'little girl on her period'. He refuses to acknowledge everything he's done is wrong and continues to try to dominate me, even though he has no reason to do so other than him feeling powerful. I'm 22 and he's only a month older than me, but he feels like he can order me around and do anything with me he pleases, and I'm sick of it.)
Both his mother and his girlfriend called me to ask if I was okay, and his girlfriend broke up with him. She told me he had been aggressive and manipulative to her as well, and she had to flee her home for a couple of days when she told him on the phone the relationship was over, because she was scared he would do something to her. His mother begged me not to call the police again, and she tried to talk to him, but it didn't work.
The landlord wants him out now, so all I'm waiting for is confirmation from the real estate agent. Before he gets word that he's evicted, I'll stay with my parents until he's moved out.
So I hope this is all sorted out now and that I'll never see him again. I've worked with homeless drug addicts in Amsterdam, had an internship as a high school teacher, and worked for a brief time on a primary school for children with behavioral issues, but I have never been as scared as I've been these last couple of weeks. Everyone at those jobs/internships at least had some sense of respect, and I didn't take my work back home with me. When this stuff happens in the house you live in, it's really, really scary.
This is the point where my alarm went on. Get all help you can get asap (including the police) and put your own safety first, even if that means to move out.
I've tried; I called the police and told them everything he's done, including sexual intimidation, stealing, manipulation, etc. I also told them he threatened to kill me twice (when my friend told him I could've died if a fire had broken out and I was still locked up inside, he said that he honestly couldn't give a shit if I died) but they told me I had to contact the house owner, because they could not do anything about it. They told me they would have sent the policeman who patrols this neighborhood, but they couldn't because he 'wasn't there at the moment' and they did not know when he would return. So they promised they'd call me back yesterday, but I still haven't heard from them.
And I don't want to leave, because I haven't done anything wrong. Plus I'm a student and I don't have the money to live somewhere else; I would have to move back to my parents in my graduation year. It took me two years to find an affordable student room. Also, I've ran away from every single problem I've ever had, and I have recently decided not to let other people manipulate me anymore. Plus, if he walks over me that easily and gets something out of it (me leaving would give him the feeling he's 'won' and that his actions were alright after all) he would do the same things to the next person moving in.
I've got every single important phone number on speed dial though, and I am locking my door every time he's in the house.
Of course you did nothing wrong and yes it would suck to move back to your parents but, in my opinion, it would suck much more if something bad would happen to you. A locked door can get kicked in and he can't only follow you inside of your house.
Also, I get that you are tired of running away from your problems but running away from a potential threat to your well-being doesn't make you a coward.
But in the end it's your decision of course and I can only wish you all the best and hope for you that the situation will clear up soon. Take care.
Please get out of there as soon as possible. I had a friend with almost the exact same kind of roommate and it got a lot more violent than what you've posted. She ended up in the ER. Please tell the police and the real estate and your parents and his mother and whoever else you can. I hope this get taken care of soon. He needs to get some help. Anger management at the least, probably rehab.
- Either get out now or call your landlord and tell him that if this other guy isn't evicted, you'll leave. They may value you as a good, reliable tenant enough to choose you over him. You have done nothing wrong, and leaving means that he "wins", but staying in the same place with him can only result in you losing! Stay safe!
Thank you all for your advice!
The real estate agent sent B a letter in which all the official warnings he got were stated. It was a massive list (8-9 things). It also said that if he were to do any of those things ever again, he would be evicted. The day after he came home drunk on a sunday morning, at six. First one of his friends rang the bell continually for about 15 minutes until someone opened the door, all because B told his friend that he was too lazy to open the door himself with the key, so he could walk ahead and keep ringing until someone opened the door for him. After that, B came home as well, and put on loud music. I recorded everything again.
I called the landlord again with this information, and he told me to send an email to the real estate agent, especially because B still does not respect me and he gets violent easily. (he still says this is all my fault, and that I'm just a 'little girl on her period'. He refuses to acknowledge everything he's done is wrong and continues to try to dominate me, even though he has no reason to do so other than him feeling powerful. I'm 22 and he's only a month older than me, but he feels like he can order me around and do anything with me he pleases, and I'm sick of it.)
Both his mother and his girlfriend called me to ask if I was okay, and his girlfriend broke up with him. She told me he had been aggressive and manipulative to her as well, and she had to flee her home for a couple of days when she told him on the phone the relationship was over, because she was scared he would do something to her. His mother begged me not to call the police again, and she tried to talk to him, but it didn't work.
The landlord wants him out now, so all I'm waiting for is confirmation from the real estate agent. Before he gets word that he's evicted, I'll stay with my parents until he's moved out.
So I hope this is all sorted out now and that I'll never see him again. I've worked with homeless drug addicts in Amsterdam, had an internship as a high school teacher, and worked for a brief time on a primary school for children with behavioral issues, but I have never been as scared as I've been these last couple of weeks. Everyone at those jobs/internships at least had some sense of respect, and I didn't take my work back home with me. When this stuff happens in the house you live in, it's really, really scary.
- I'm glad to hear he got served an eviction notice. Good luck, and I hope things start looking up soon!
Thank you, but something changed. Today I found a note slipped underneath my door, which said 'conversation with landlord, next monday after five'. Which I thought was weird, because I was told B was being evicted. So I called the landlord, and he told me he wanted to have another conversation first because when he called B to tell him he got evicted, B cried. And the landlord felt sorry for him, so now he has decided that B can stay, and if the new guy who moves into one of the empty rooms next week also has a problem with B, only then will he get evicted.
I don't know what to do anymore. I've looked at other student rooms but I can't afford them. I can't go back to my parents, it's too far away from school. I can't quit school; I'm in my graduation year.
I can't have that conversation either; I'm with my parents from tomorrow for at least two weeks. So the landlord tells me that he will just 'wait until I'm back'. Which means B gets at least another two weeks to figure out what to tell the landlord, to bribe other people who live here to support him, etc. Also, the landlord didn't even call me to ask if I could have a conversation this monday, instead he called B and told him to slip a note underneath my door. The landlord told me that he would visit last thursday, but he never showed up. I tried to have that conversation all week, but it didn't happen because both B and the landlord never showed up.
I'm really fed up with all this
- Whoever B is, they sound like a serious manipulator; if he can turn everyone against you, you need to get out. Look more into other housing options. Maybe there is somewhere online where people are looking for more flatmates?
I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds awful, and I hope the situation gets better.
Thank you.
I went to my parents yesterday and told them everything; I'm going to the police station tomorrow to report all this. There are three serious things I'll be reporting for; sexual assault, death threats and intimidation, and I'll most definitely file for violent behavior and ask them to look at his history with police, mental institutions and drug use. I'll show them everything I've recorded and all the emails and letters that were sent.
Afterwards I'll be heading towards the real estate agent with my parents (and, if they can be there, two witnesses) to demand a solution. I've got all the emails and letters that were sent printed out, and if they don't do anything about this we'll threaten to sue. I've been told that I can file a complaint against the organisation (real estate agent + landlord) if some things are breached, namely being at peace at home. (this is translated from Dutch so I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense!)
If they don't do anything after that, I'll be demanding a return of two months worth of rent, because I haven't been able to be at home much; I've had to flee several times. My parents have decided that they can miss some money if that means keeping me safe, so if this doesn't get solved (aka if the guy doesn't leave within a couple of weeks) they'll find me a new place to live. I'd have to get another job and I'd have to lend a lot of money in order to do so, but if that keeps me safe I'll have to.
So, after tomorrow I'll know for sure what place I'm in and how to continue.
- Good luck! That is a lot of stuff to do, and I hope it all goes according to plan. Once you file your reports, you should be extra careful around B, though. I have heard several stories of people like him trying to get revenge after finally being caught and held accountable for their (despicable) actions. Stay safe, ok?
- Good luck! I hope that everything works out for you. I had a really terrible roommate that stole from me (both money and physical items) and after we kicked him out, broke into the apartment by climbing in through a window. It was pretty terrible, and your situation is a lot more extreme, so I understand exactly where you're coming from, and I really really hope that everything works out the way you've planned it. I would try to get a protective order against him. Be careful.
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"Faith is about what you do. Its about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are, even if there's no one around to tell you what a hero you are."
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Thank you both!
I've got an appointment at the police station next week to tell them everything that's happened, so I think it'll all work out. I'll try to stay safe. For now I can stay at my parents' place (they're on holiday) and I will stay here until B has moved out, and it is safe enough for me to return. I promised my parents I wouldn't go back there until everything is truly, really safe. I've (luckily!) got plenty of people living near school who've already offered to help (moral support, juridical advice, offering a place to sleep, even lending me their muscular boyfriends :P) so if the situation takes a bit longer to get resolved I won't have to travel for five hours a day to get to school in the future, which is a big relief.
I'm sorry you had to go through something similar, that must have been really tough! I can only imagine the amount of stress you must have had (I haven't slept properly in weeks myself). Did you get a protective order against your former roommate? And did it work out, or is he still bothering you?
One of my housemates is returning from holiday this week and he'll keep me updated on B- whether he is moving out already, if he hasn't tried to get into my room, etc. Because he threatened to kill me using fire twice I'm most afraid of him setting the place on fire after he leaves, so I'll make sure that we've got enough precautions against something like that happening. If he breaks or steals something, or does anything else though, the local police know about him now. That is, for me, the greatest relief.
It was pretty terrible. I wanted to get a protective order against him, but where I live, you pretty much can't unless you're involved into domestic violence. They don't really care about theft and sneaking in through widows. shakes head
If this guy would really just move out and set the place on fire, that's pretty messed up. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Make sure you keep the police updated on what's going on. You could totally also take him to court for damages and everything.
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"Faith is about what you do. Its about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are, even if there's no one around to tell you what a hero you are."
*
It was pretty terrible. I wanted to get a protective order against him, but where I live, you pretty much can't unless you're involved into domestic violence. They don't really care about theft and sneaking in through widows. shakes head
If this guy would really just move out and set the place on fire, that's pretty messed up. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Make sure you keep the police updated on what's going on. You could totally also take him to court for damages and everything.
*
"Faith is about what you do. Its about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are, even if there's no one around to tell you what a hero you are."
*
I think you've found a grade A personality disorder... and probably someone who should either be in prison or institutionalized... preferably the former.
Other than what's already been suggested I'd get involved in a self defense class- it's a great boost to confidence. Also a katana goes a long way in intimidation ;)
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