Hi Subeta, My name is MJ. I feel really, really down and just wanted to talk to someone. I just... I need a hug. I feel so alone and hurt. There's no specific reason. I just feel crap a lot. I just... I don't even know why I'm posting here. I guess I just want to reach out to someone. I guess I just want to talk. I just feel so miserable and lonely. I'm looking for comfort and there is none. I feel like I want to be looked after, but I'm 22. I'm an adult, for pity's sakes. I just thought there was maybe some people on here who would keep me going for a while. Just help me ride out the black waves until the sun comes out again. I have friends on here, but I'm afraid to go to them because I don't want to be judged on the fact that I'm down, or the fact that I'm currently having a weak spot. Not that the people I'm thinking of are the type to do that. Not at all. The problem's me. I'm insecure, I'm paranoid, I don't like myself much. I've been judged on my negative emotions too much, and now the damage is showing. I just feel like I need a few pairs of warm arms to run to. :-( But I'm afraid of what people think of me. But I can't do this on my own any more. There are some people I'd like to see this thread, but I'm too scared to ping them. In any case, I needed to post. I need some help. I can't keep it in any more and I can't keep from drowning without a lifebelt to hold on to. :(

Gives you a giant hug! Hon, have you seen a doctor about the way you are feeling?

Hello MJ, I'm Becky and I'd be happy to give you a hug hugs.

It sounds like you are suffering from Depression. Nothing needs to happen to come down with it. For most people, like myself, there's an imbalance of hormones that cause Depression. I've been suffering from it since I was 11 and I'm 24 now. I've been on Anti-depressants since I was 15. You should call your doctor ASAP. He/she will be able to determine if you have depression and what you need to do for it.

Also, don't ever be scared to ask for help here on subeta. No one will judge you. Many of us that hang around the Chit-Chat forums also have depression and other mental disorders, so we understand what you're going through more hugs

Thanks. Yeah, I've been under doctors since I was 14. :-( Got an appointment in the morning actually. We've been messing with my meds a bit over the summer. My diagnosis is a bit more complex than depression, but that was what they originally labelled me with. I left home in May. Late May. I now live alone, without any pets. I had to leave my dog with my Nana (my Nana brought me up) and my dog was my LIFE. We were never without each other. She slept on or by my bed and everything. It breaks my heart every time I visit and am on my way back out; she looks at me, and the look in her eyes... It's unbearable. I've never been without an animal to cuddle before. Someone warm and fluffy and alive for company and love. I'm one of those touchy-feely people that needs cuddles and stuff. :-/

I wish I could help you with the animals situation. Is there a way you could stay somewhere where you could have pets?

Hi, MJ! I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down. -hug- I really hope you feel better soon. I know how you feel, especially about your dog. As funny as it might sound, a stuffed animal or soft pillow might be able to substitute her when you're not home. Of course it won't be exactly the same, but it might comfort you a bit.

I have to rent, and private landlords are so picky about pets here (UK). My Nana had to move to an elderly person's bungalow hence why I had to find somewhere. I'd already been on the waiting list for council housing (social housing - like, governmental), but I'd been waiting a year and hadn't even been offered a viewing of anywhere. So I had to take this place. And I couldn't bear to have anything other than Lucy. I couldn't do it to her. I've already broken her heart by leaving her, when I always told her I never would. Everyone left her, which is how she ended up at my Nana's, and then two years later, just after my 13th, I ended up there too. Lucy and me were like... Well people left her when she was a baby, and they left me too. So we just clung to each other. Even through being forced apart when my Nana stopped people from putting her in the kennels, for my sake. Nana thought I'd already lost enough, so she took Lucy in so she was still kind of mine and I could still see her. And then she ended up taking me in too.

Hon, it sounds like you have been through a lot. If I could go back in time and make your life wonderful, I would. You seem like an amazing person.

I know how you feel... Sometimes I feel the same way. I'm not good at keeping up relations, and the longer it lapses, the more I'm afraid to make contact... This is my senior year in college, and I haven't made any real friends here... I feel like I've wasted a huge opportunity, and because I really have, it hurts even more... I don't know if this will help at all, but wanting to be taken care of, even at the age of 22, is something you aren't alone in.

Is there anyway you could start volunteering at an animal shelter? That way you could be around animals while helping them at the same time. I'm the same way about animals. My dogs are my world and they make everything better.

If you don't mind me asking, what is your mental disorder? I have Depression with Hypochondria and also have Borderline Personality Disorder (Inactive). I have a good friend that has Bipolar II disorder, do I have a good understanding of mental disorders. I'm also a nursing student, so you don't have to worry about any form of judgement.

Thank you for the thought, but I wouldn't change it. It's made me MJ, and I don't think I'd be the same without the wars I've had to fight. Thank you. hugs I don't really want to say yet, to be honest. I can't get out much because of anxiety and physical sickness. People have said about doing that so much though, but if it's not Lucy it hurts too much. She's my baby. :-/

I'm just not used to letting myself rely on someone: A) Because they usually end up breaking my heart B) Because they get torn away from me like my Mum did was I was little, and my heart gets broken C) Because I need them too much and they don't need/want me and my heart gets broken D) Because they scoop me up and then drop me off a cliff (i.e, they let me love them and I think they love me back and then they abandon me or betray me) and my heart gets broken. So whatever happens, I get my heart torn apart. I fear not appearing to be super-strong, because people take me in and then leave me. I have to pretend I don't need anyone so I don't get left behind again.

It's okay. I understand.

As for Lucy, is there anyway you can visit her a few times a week? If not, you may want to talk to your doctor about finding a therapist to talk to about her. You'd be surprised how much better you'll feel when you start talking to someone that you trust and who can provide tips on how to get better.

I try to visit once a week, but it usually ends up being once a fortnight or worse because I just cannot get myself there most of the time. I've just finished a therapy course so just waiting to see my doctor tomorrow now, as to what she suggests to do next. I just need people rooting for me along the way I guess.

That's too bad :(

I'm here to root for you.

Thank you :-) I have this thing. where I'm like "Don't leave me!". Like now, I'm trying to get myself to bed as it's nearly 11pm here, and I'm just sat here still online. It's like, I don't want to be on my own with the pain. I don't want to be alone in the darkness. I just desperately don't want people to keep on leaving me. :( I tend to cling and that puts people off me. But I have so much to give, too. Once I love, I love from the bottom of my heart and it almost always gets me hurt for the trouble. But I can't help it. It's who I am. It's not my fault that I'm like this. Or maybe it is. But maybe it's completely normal to grow up the way I did and turn out a bit clingy at the end of it. Just... meh. I should really go to bed. I can let you know what happens at the drs tomorrow if you want? My Nana's taking me as I can't walk that far and I'm extra sick at the minute with a chest/cough thing.

. silly happy thought to share with you before I try to sleep My Nana still does my laundry as I don't have a washing machine and Lucy likes to makes little nests out of my washing because it smells like me. :-) Nana always says Lucy will practically get in the bag with it if you let her. Heehee.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Us chit-chatters are more than happy to help and talk to you when you need it. I know you feel bad about getting another dog, but do you think you could try a different animal? Would a cat be too similar? Birds can often be lovable, and they are quite different from dogs. If that is too much, maybe try a lizard, or a tank of fancy fish you could watch and look after? Animals are really therapeutic, and it sounds like you love them quite a bit.

If you don't want to volunteer at a dog shelter, could you volunteer at like a horse stable or something?

Hey, guess you're sleeping now. I just wanted to say that yes (!), it is totally okay to post here, to ask for help or just to chat a bit if that helps you - that's what this board is for and people who browse the board know it. I don't really have some new ideas to add here, but wanted to let you know that you can talk to me anytime, if you want, and I hope you're okay. hugs you

Thank you. :-) So I went to the drs today and she wants to keep me on the same dose of meds and see me again in four weeks. That's it for now. We need more time to judge the effect of the dose increase from last time, because I had a few upsets since we changed it, so she wants me to be sure that I need the next dose, or if this is just a blip caused by life events. She just doesn't want me on any more meds than I need to be. Which is nice. Normally doctors just throw meds at you, but she seems to care more about the least amount of chemicals in my body as possible.

Hey, that's nice to hear! I don't like taking to many meds, either, so I hope your dose will be fine for now. Sounds as if your doctor is a nice lady. Are you okay right now?

I just feel a bit miserable. Not as bad as last night though. My dr is lovely. I was worried because the course I'd been on said that you should be starting to feel better by about halfway through and I don't feel better at all and I've finished it. But she explained that that's really inaccurate and that there was no need to worry about it.