tw for mental illness, self harm, swearing and suicidal thoughts.

just gonna put a rant or w/e here so i can just get things off my chest. even though people who hate me are probably going to see it and laugh bc haha look how miserable she is.

i've had clinical depression for a couple years now, i'm on medication so it takes the edge off for a few hours and now that it's winter, i tend to feel really bad at night or on particularly dark days.

i'm so sick of feeling like shit every day without fail. just feeling alone and stupid and like a pathetic human being that doesn't deserve anything. i don't even cry about it anymore it's just like a reserved understanding that i'll never amount to anything, or i'll never matter to anyone. because i don't, really. people always say i do but at the end of the day people get over me so quickly. i'm so tired of being lied to.

i constantly feel like i can't trust people. that i have to watch what i say to certain people. that i can't talk about when i'm having a bad day because it's annoying and i've had people say "you're always sad" to me before like it's something i can change and i just don't know what to do anymore. i just want to give up on everything i dont want to do this anymore.

how can i keep living with all my memories of all the shit i've been through and all the shitty people i've had to deal with. with all the bad decisions i've made. i don't want to look back on my life and be like yep pretty much anyone i was ever friends with hated me for one reason or another because i'm obviously just a horrible person. and it's like "no those people who left you are the ones who missed out" wow really then why are they the ones who are now happy and living thieir lives and have people who love and care about them and i'm still here wtih fucking nothing.

i hate myself i fucking hate myself and i don't deserve anything i don't want to live i don't want to be here anymore i can't do it

the only reason i'm still alive is because of my bird and i know that i'd have killed myself a long time ago if it wasn't for him. because i have nothing else, i don't have anyone who is there for me anymore or i'm not even sure if i ever did. i just need someone to give me that little bit of hope, that there are good people out there who won't lie to me, who won't say my suicidal thoughts aren't just attention seeking. but i know its never going to happen because i'm not someone who deserves that kind of thing. it's any wonder i havent started cutting myself again although god knows i've thought about it numerous times. because why not? there's no one to disappoint by doing it anymore. nobody would care if i had cuts on my arms, whether they could see them or not.

idek what i'm hoping to gain by saying all of this. sympathy maybe? i try so hard to be a strong person, to show that what people say don't bother me but it does, it really really does. recently i had a long term friendship end in a shaky way-- i didn't like her boyfriend who was very inconsiderate (calling me "fag") and things that made me uncomfortable. i told her that i didn't know him that well so i didnt feel comfortable telling him directly, but rather hoped she could talk to him about it. instead she deleted and blocked me on whatever she could. she knew i have depression, knew that i often felt suicidal and that very simple things could trigger it. but no, her friend proceeded to draw a picture supposed to be me of disgusting woman parts probably to do with calling me the 'c' word even though i had literally done nothing wrong and she thought that was okay.

but whatever, it's just one example. i just dont understand what i've done to deserve being treated like this by not just her but a lot of people. someone tricked me into dating them for a month, proceeded to tell me they didn't want to be with anyone with they were dating at least two other people and then told everyone i was saying i'd kill myself if she didn't get back together with me, which wasn't the case at all. then she told me that she'd only "dated me because she felt sorry for me." because of that i can't get close to anyone i hadn't known before. i can't let people in like that again because i'm scared it's going to happen again, that i'll be tricked into thinking i'm safe and then i'm not. i don't know if i'll ever be able to trust people completely again, it's been over a year since that now and i still can't.

i don't usually do well with therapists but maybe i should consider it again. i always just end up crying so hard i can't talk and it's embarrassing and i'm not a very open person anyway, so talking about such personal things with someone face to face is really difficult for me.

maybe just.. for anyone that actually read that whole thing, what else can i do? if you've been through this before, how did you get through it? i'm over 20 years old and i dont want to feel this bad about my life this young but i'm just at a loss for what else to do...

No. A hundread fucking time NO. Listen. I have NO IDEA who you are okay? Like legit I don't know you. But I'm pretty sure you're an awesome person. We all have our flaws and our issues, but please you deserve what's best. Crying is FAR from being embarassing. You cope by crying? Please, fill a bucket if you need. See a therapist, have you tried group support? I went for the free food and stayed for all the amazing weirdos. We are a bunch of weirdos together.

And what the hell is a fag? Man, why can't people use the proper word. I'd have trolled him, godness.

Anyway, back to my main point. There are some people in life, that you'll cross path with. They will be jerks, they will hurt you, but please don't stop and move on. Living in the past is not good, and I know it's hard. You deserve nice things, even if life has a way to screw you over, just beat it.

Take it from a random stranger, I'm coping too so don't give up :) [you're the alpha, so do it]

i actually felt a lot better after writing all that down x__x but thank you! it's nice to know that someone actually read all of that and still has some nice words for me. i haven't tried group support though 0: maybe it's something i'll look into. but yeah i've been making a conscious effort lately to just be friends with people who make me feel comfortable and who i don't feel anxious around or that i need to not say certain things which i think it probably good in the long term.

i'm like the crappy alpha like derek was. just want the powah.

thank you though <3

AND THANK YOU TO THAT NICE ANON ;___;

It's a form of liberation. Maybe write more frequently? Since you don't have a lot of people to talk to, and a psychologist isn't always available (could be a temporary solution). Group support are not for me, people pity me after that I feel like shit, so I avoid them. They could be good for you tho! Find people with who you can be yourself. Even if it's just one person! I have 3 people like that and it's fair enough for me :)

(Unreleated: He was not a shitty alpha, imo. He knew what to do, but leading wasn't his position, he's more like a guide.)

Anyways! I hope that you'll overcome this attitude. Don't hurt yourself and be positive. Try to look at the grey side instead of the black/white only.

I'm just a random stranger, too, but I want you to know I read your post also and, for what it's worth, I think it takes a lot of strength to go through the things you've gone through and still come out on the other side like you have. It's good that you feel like writing it all down has helped you - I know it helps me. When I get in a negative emotional state, it's like I can't keep all my thought straight. If I write things down, I can keep them organized and it helps me feel a little more in control.

I can't claim to know everything you've dealt with as far as the people who have been shitty to you, but you have to try to move on and not let it get to you. If you can't spend time with people who are worthwhile, focus on yourself. Spend time doing a hobby or something that you like. Don't give any more of yourself to toxic people. You deserve better than that.

Try to stay positive and keep moving forward. You're not alone c: