I love my boyfriend so much, I really do. He understands me, loves me, takes care of me, and he's my best friend. But whenever he gets upset he becomes the most annoying, frustrating person to be around. His world suddenly revolves around me in the most annoying, head-splitting way possible. Suddenly it's all, "I just want to make you happy," "What do you want me to do?" "What would make you happiest?" repeated ad nauseam. In addition, not only does he repeat stuff like this over and over, he says it all in monotone. I know he really is just trying to make me happy, but I hate his inability to be human when we fight. I just asked him how much spaghetti he would like to have and he said, "Whatever would make you happiest." I want to tear my hair out I am so angry and over this. I just want him to make his own decisions (he'll literally ask me about where I want him to walk and where he should put his glasses) and talk to me like a normal human again. Especially after one of us gets upset, what I really want is for us to have a long chat about it.
Ive tried telling him how I feel, but every time I tell him he says to me (in the most sincere voice), "So you would like me to not talk and stay in a corner?" It's weird because as I'm typing this it sounds like he's being sarcastic and argumentative, but he really, genuinely means it. He doesn't have a single sarcastic bone in his body and has never argued with me. He's incredibly submissive and pretty much just wants to please everyone. We've been dating for about 2 years and though we have separate apartments, we spend all of our time together. We went to couples therapy a while ago to try and work through him shutting down whenever he gets upset, but we haven't had much luck. Edit: I guess what I wanted from telling you all this is some advice on where to go and how to approach this. Maybe some perspective… A way to get out of my own head and view this situation differently. I'm just so tired of all this.

Maybe it's because I've never had that problem, but that doesn't sound that bad to me. It sounds like he really loves you and wants to make you happy. Most guys don't give a shit and only care about what makes themselves happy, so he sounds like (in the abstract) a gem!

That being said, I can also see how it would be annoying to always be the one making decisions. It's part of his personality, it seems. Like it or leave it. If you have already been to couples therapy, what else can you do at this point? You can't change someone by virtue of being in a relationship with them. You have to face who they are or find someone else. Not trying to be dramatic or trivialize your problem at all!! Just sayin, you can't switch around the wires in his head to make him more decisive and dominant.

It's an issue, especially when arguments break out and discussion is not only healthy but NECESSARY to work through the problem. Sometimes you come across road bumps or smaller issues in the relationship that just need to be worked out and if your partner would rather roll over, it's not doing anyone any good.

Honestly, going back to couples therapy sounds good. Maybe suggesting to him to see a therapist would help as well? It sounds like he has some issues of his own to work out. Absconding from any situation presented to him that shines even the slightest sliver of a spotlight isn't a healthy way to move through life, not even just in the realm of relationships. It's not a matter of having a submissive personality, but the way he is expressing it that is problematic.

I can see how that would be extremely annoying! He sounds like a great guy, but don't forget: there are A LOT of great guys out there. To me, I see red flags with him being such a pushover. It's okay for him to want to please you, but as we all know, you can't please EVERYONE. I don't think it's healthy to go through life like that because people will take advantage of him. Not to mention, when it comes to making difficult decisions in life, it seems like you may be the one in the future to make those decisions when it should be a joint effort.

Things are easier said than done I understand. I see you have already tried to talk to him about your feelings, but he hasn't changed. Maybe try one more time if you feel so strongly about him, but remember also you can't change him. He will only change when he is ready! GOOD LUCK! :)

Thanks for the feedback guys. I do worry about major life choices that we will have to make together as we get older (buying a house, having a baby, etc.) that I fear will be left completely to me. We've decided to send him to therapy alone for the time being. I know I can't change him but for right now I really, really want this to work because I love him.

He really does sound like he cares about you and loves you a great deal, but I understand how you feel also. With you having to make all the important decisions and everything by yourself, you don't feel like his girlfriend, but like his mom or older sister, I'm assuming? The same happened with my dad, which is why my mom divorced him. Eventually she got tired of having to do everything by herself.

I think therapy would be good for him. He does need to learn how to express his opinions without shutting down like you said. It's good that he doesn't want to fight or argue, but he should still express his feelings too and take part in decision making.

As a submissive person myself, I understand how he feels and this is going to be a very difficult thing for him. Not deciding feels like the best and easiest option for people like us, but it's not always the right one. It sounds to me more than anything, that he's so afraid of losing you that he's not even willing to express his own wants or feelings, so maybe some reassurance would be good coming from you? Let him know that it's okay to have his own ideas and opinions about stuff, and that not everything he does without permission will make you mad.