I just wanna start by saying I really really need some help... I don't have many friends or family, it's pretty much just me, so I'm feeling a little bit delicate. Sorry in advance if I go on too much or ramble but this is a little bit of "getting it off my chest" as well as advice seeking... So like, thanks in advance everyone who reads this... Or even tries.

I love him so much... And I know everyone might be like "Guh, whatever" But I really do. We are also not angsty, love sick teens, I'm 20 and he's 23. Just so you know... Anyways... He's bipolar which means sometimes he just completely retracts into himself, what makes it so hard is going from talking to someone everyday, being so happy and comfortable to 0 contact overnight. I've known him for just less than a year now and he's my best friend. I've been around for quite a few of his, lets say "episodes", and I try and leave him alone as he wants but it's so hard. I miss him so much... I've researched quite a bit about it and what I've learned (first hand too) is that he's just simply not that same person, it's the illness talking, which makes things easier and harder at the same time. Easier because even if he does say something a bit hurtful I really know he doesn't mean it and usually he'd never. Not that he's ever been nasty, he's just colder, harder and... I suppose like a brick wall. And what makes it harder is that there is no way to find or talk to the guy I love... He's just not there. It's like a black hole. I think half the reason he removes himself from being around is because he doesn't want to say anything horrible and I know he feels guilty about it, which I always tell him he shouldn't.

Thing is, I'm a very emotional person and although everyone says he isn't, he is just as feeling as everyone else, just no one else cares to look out for it. I see when other people think he's being mean, you can see the twinkle in his eye that means he's joking. Or when he's sad... But when he's "away" he's completely callus, what I've learned is that no matter how hurt, lonely or upset I am, while he is "away" me starting a conversation out of defensive emotion will just make everything worse. Always in hindsight that sounds like a "Duh" thing, when you've been sitting alone for five days, and everything you say being met with "No", "I'm not going anymore", "I need to be alone", etc. In the beginning my reaction was defensive, but now I'd never do that. Ever though the emotional part of my mind wants me to scream and cry at him, I can't... I don't even know if he knows how much it hurts when this happens, because I never want to tell him. He'd feel so bad and it's entirely not his fault and I couldn't do that to him... I want to lift him out of it, so I try and stay logical and cheery but sometime I just feel completely overwhelmed, because it's like I'm grieving for someone who is only fifteen minutes away... And it's like a switch, there's never really any preempting it... And it's just waiting... and waiting... and waiting...

I try and make sure even though I'm leaving him to his space, he knows he's loved and he's welcome back always. I see a lot on "my bipolar boyfriend" topics that they've been dumped out of the blue or something like that, but that's never happened, he just puts so much distance between us... I just miss him so so much...

Currently, I haven't seen him in two weeks... Since his birthday. I know he tried really hard and wasn't feeling himself around his birthday to come over anyways, because I had his presents and had cooked and stuff. I know he like it, the food, the cheesecake and even the presents... (We work at the same place, but on different days and he gushed to one of our friends, who I usually ask to keep an eye on how he is for me, about how much he liked them) but he didn't talk to me the day after, but like I said, I knew he wasn't himself, so I left him. I always forget how bad I felt the last time which is so odd... But why I'm so much more upset this time is that I coped fine for the first week, I was so proud of myself! I left him entirely alone, and wasn't upset! But it continued... Week two... This is the longest it's lasted thus far... With no signs of him coming back... I can never tell what pulls him back into it. First time it happened, he was supposed to come to mine but I heard nothing... One hour later, phone calls, texts and then he eventually told me about how messed up he felt and how scared he was about us, etc, etc but I convinced him to meet me, I literally ran and met him half way between our houses and he just cried... and I just hugged and kissed him and took him back to mine where we just talked for hours and cried and hugged... It was the most weirdly romantic moment of my life.

Another time it was like five days of rejection, even just rejection of general conversation and I did take it personally which I know I shouldn't have. And I've learned that too. But anyways, I turned up outside of work and waited for him to finish. He got out and I just couldn't cry anymore, he was just so... Normal... I walked him home and that was it. Bing, back.

Last example, this was my most epiphany filled time, after a week of so of just feeling horrible and going through everything I realized it wasn't even him, and I just had to be supportive and make sure he knew I loved him. So I bought a few of his favorite things, cheesecake, chocolate and mango and put them in the lobby of his flat in a nice bag and text him telling him they were there. At first he said he wasn't even home and not to wait for him but I just shrugged it off, told him I'd just left them and wasn't trying to see him. Later that night I got a text saying "You're still so nice to me... Even though I've been so horrible" And it just made everything worth it... We had a small talk and I still gave him a few more days but he came right back. And I'd never been happier.

But like I said, this time I'm just so torn up because it's been so long... I just want to see him, and kiss him... The emotional part of my mind is just screaming at me "He hates you, he's trying to dump you and you just won't get the message", and every time I try and say hi or ask him how he is I just feel like a massive nuisance... I don't want to annoy him, but should I try and "snap him out of it" or would that make things worse? I'm thinking about going and waiting for him after work tomorrow but just the thought of it puts my stomach in knots... Am I overreacting, should I wait? It just hurts so much... He seems okay with talking to other people, like work people, but I don't know if that's just because he has to... The other thing his all of his family live in another country and I've never met them, so I can't exactly ask them for help. I also know he's not on any medication nor does he see anyone for help. I've spoken to him about it in the past but he said therapy doesn't help and I just don't feel like it's my place to say "take medication!" Plus he can be so stubborn, especially when he thinks he's right... And I'm definitely not going to bring this up when he's feeling the way he is anyways, it would just make everything worse. It doesn't help that this is a really uncomfortable topic for him too, he's never really liked talking about it, even though he told me about it quite openly and early on. I think it makes him feel vulnerable, but that's just speculation...

I also want to point out he's not a monster, even though this has all been mostly about his illness, we have the best time normally. We love traveling together, and star watching, he's amazing with a camera and I love to draw, we're creative spirits who just feed into each other... I've never met anyone who makes me feel so optimistic... About life... I've always been so lost and lonely and sad, my growing up wasn't the best, but even though he has these "episodes" he's the most amazing person I've ever known and he is absolutely worth every second... I'm not going to abandon him, I just want to learn how to handle everything better and have more of an insight. His manic states and also virtually undetectable to anyone else, they're not as concerning, he just gets super excited and starts on projects and businesses and stuff. All theoretical, of course.

I'm just looking for some insight... Advise, anything you can offer or say... And any questions I'll answer, so thank you so much for listening... I needed this so bad...

Him, adorable and sleepy after we ran though London for a weekend: http://tinyurl.com/montghv

Living with someone that suffers from a special behavior is hard, I won't lie. I've been living with mine for awhile, and I cope.

Since it seems like he gets help, YOU should get help and see someone as well :)

Haaa, I completely understand how you feel. I dealt with a similar situation in the past. I fell in love and at first, it seems like it wasn’t so bad, it seems like I could make him feel better whenever there was a problem. As you mentioned, they are very different on all levels during their episodes. Studying in psychology helped me understand what situation I was dealing with on a theoretical level, but emotionally, I wasn’t able to stay mentally healthy while being with him. He wasn’t getting any help at the time and I realized that, obviously, my support was not enough and it wasn’t my fault. I thought, what will happen if I leave him? I would put all this pressure on me, especially considering he told me several times in the past he would have probably committed suicide if I haven’t been there. But it soon got to a point where it wasn’t that sweet, and yes there were times when it was good and beautiful like it used to be but not quite. I had a hard time dealing with the negative impact he had in my life, I realized I was unhappy and holding on to memories of the beginning of our relationship when things were good. As cheesy as it sounds, you need to think about yourself too. What I eventually did is break up with him because I needed space to move on in my life and get back on my feet, I was dealing with clinical depression and I knew I wouldn’t be able to help him since I was unhappy myself. I broke up and it was very difficult. But he started seeing a therapist and things have been better for him. We are now friends and I learned I could help him without involving myself emotionally as much as I used to, and that works for both of us. But I think it's absolutely possible to stay in a relationship with someone who is bipolar, it was a very bad timing in my life and it's also part of why I wasn't ready for a relationship like this.

My advice would be to take some time for yourself to ''recover'' as well. When he’s dealing with his episodes, take some time for yourself to do things that makes you feel good and healthy. The stronger and mentally healthy you are, the better you will be able to help him. If you are stressed and unhappy, the relationship will be poison for both of you. Keep in mind though that you are also allowed to be hurt if you witness an episode and he says something hurtful to you, you are not making things worse by mentioning it and expressing your feelings in a reasonable way. It’s unhealthy for you to brush off your feelings and hold everything inside, you are not a nuisance. You are also allowed to take a break if things get too complicated or stressful, just like he does. That’s the best way you can help him!

Stay strong <3