Before I rant away, let me give you a background story of why I do not like this girl. Me, my boyfriend "J", and the girl "L" all worked together two years ago. Before I started working up there, "J" had a crush on "L", but she didn't express interest. When I started working up there, "J" and I hung out a lot and were pretty much inseparable. We became close really fast and our 'friends-not-not-really-friends-kindof-dating' relationship moved very quickly. When I was about to start my third year of college, I received a txt message from "L" asking if "J" and I were dating. I told her no, because at that time, we weren't officially dating and then proceeded to ask her if she liked him, and she said yes. I let it go, figuring "J" only had eyes for me, but I brought it up to him later that night via txt (He was in NY for a wedding). Half-way joking, I asked him if he liked her back, and he said yes. So, a lot of crap went on between all three of us, I started school and a new job and never saw "L" again, but "J" and I still talked on and off. He told me he was figuring out what he wanted and if he wanted to be with one of us, so I got really hurt and tried to push him away completely. In the end, he chose me and we are very happy in our relationship and I love him to pieces. I'm actually going to move in with him once my current lease is up and I couldn't be more excited and scared shit-less at the same time. ANYWAYS, being the creepy girl that I am, I stalked "L" on Facebook after this shit happened and saw pictures of her with her now-husband. These pictures dated to the time when all this drama was happening. So, I'm assuming that while this stupid high school-esque drama went down, she was in a relationship with someone, and causing unnessesary drama.

NOW. I admit I was a terrible girlfriend and had terrible anxiety over him talking to "L" again and I went through his phone to investigate to see if they were still talking (this was like a month ago). They were and he was very, very flirtatious with her, despite the fact that she is now married and has a son. I know I was in the wrong, snooping through his phone and that's a sign I don't trust him, which I don't, in that particular aspect of our relationship. I trust him with my life, but I can't help but resent that he still talks to "L". But, this is the girl that could have potentially destroyed our relationship. This is the girl that made him doubt his feelings for me. This is the girl that made me so depressed, I stopped eating because all the stress and anxiety would make the food come right back up. Am I in the wrong for wanting him to not talk to her anymore? I'm 99.9% sure he still talks to her, even when he said he wouldn't anymore (I haven't been snooping anymore, I promise!). How do I bring this subject up again?

Why are you with someone you need to be sneaking on their phone and "stalking" this girla facebook....

I kinda agree. I don't understand why you would want to be with someone you clearly can't trust in an area of the relationship that is of vital importance. To be honest, I don't know a good way to bring it up with him. What would you say? "Hey hun, I was looking at your phone and-" "Why were you looking at my phone?" "Because I don't trust you enough to take what you say at face value."

Also, you promised you weren't snooping, but admitted to snooping earlier on in the post. That's contradictory. You're obviously willing to snoop if you feel like you aren't getting the answers you want/feel you can trust. It just doesn't seem like a healthy environment for either of you to be in. Lack of trust like this can be acidic.

Well is there any evidence that he is flirting with her, or otherwise in contact with her, other than the messages you snooped? If not, don't ever bring it up - the last thing you want is to even hint that you violated his privacy lol. Otherwise you can simply ask if he still has feelings for her, and how that makes you uncomfortable etc., at the risk of sounding insecure.

I wouldn't worry too much. He obviously still likes her, and perhaps she likes him too (despite being married)... but that is probably something you'll have to just deal with and assume that it won't go further than the messages. In the end, he picked you, whether because he preferred you or she was unavailable. Just hope it's the former!

I know I made a mistake, but I was just really insecure. I just have a lot of insecurities towards her. I feel like I always will, but meh. I just love him a lot and I know he wouldn't cheat on me or anything. But, this situation is still upsetting to me. Also, I stalked her Facebook after this drama occurred, two years ago. I don't do that anymore, lol.

I really should have proof-read my post, lol. I don't go through his phone anymore, but I did a few months ago, which I felt terrible about. I guess I was mainly curious if they still kept in contact, which I'm uncomfortable with. I'm trying to turn these suspicions away, but I can't help but feel really insecure towards this. He liked her first and she's a pretty girl, so it just really upsets me.

I haven't gone through his phone anymore, but if he gets a txt message, he tilts the phone away from me so I can't see the screen. Not like I'm trying to look at it, but that's really weird to me. He doesn't like for me to touch his phone, which he has every right, but even if I'm just moving it, he will watch me to see if I would start messing with it. I've been having doubts lately that he picked me, mainly because she was unavailable. I don't know anymoreeeeee

How long have you guys been dating? How long has his phone shielding been going on?

In any relationship your SO (while not really having to) would have no issues in saying who they are conversing with. the freaking out over small touches (moving the phone) is a red flag, one of my exes was like this. Turned out he was flirting with another girl and didn't want me to see. What sent me to end it was when I asked him if the girl was even aware he was dating me and he refused to answer until i pushed the issue and then answered with "what does it matter".

i'd like to know how long you have been with him in a dating situation. Sometimes a friendship is better than dating.

We've been "involved" for two years. This is our second time dating (the first time dating, we had a lot of our own personal issues to deal with, so we decided to 'take a break' until things were resolved.) and it will be a year in June.

Wow... being really flirtatious with someone else? Who he's expressed a lot of interest in? Yeah, NO! There is so much wrong there! If he were genuinely into YOU, then he would not talk to L except out of politeness. He definitely wouldn't flirt! The fact that he's tilting his phone away, etc. is a sign that he knows that what he is doing is wrong.

Perhaps the reason why he never pursued a serious relationship with L is that she's married? That doesn't mean he's not interested in her (obviously)...or that he wouldn't cheat.

There are a lot of potential boyfriends out there who won't disrespect you like this. I get from your post that you love him, and that's great, but man! If that were my boyfriend... hell no. His ass would be grass.

Well, it's not good looking at other peoples text messages or something, though I can understand you a little bit. I felt uncomfortable too when I found out my boyfriend was still in contact with his ex, but he allowed me to look at all the messages he sent to her so it's not exactly the same.

But you weren't supposed to see the messages so you shouldn't know what they talked about and that they acctually talked. If you want to ask him out, you need to find a reason for asking him about "L". For example, say that you've seen her a few days ago and you were wondering if he still has contact to her. If he tells you the truth, you can then tell him that you don't feel comfortable with him still having contact with someone he had feelings for and ask him if he still does.

If he doesn't tell the truth, you should ask yourself if it's worth it. I mean, if he needs to lie to you he sure has to hide something from you. If you want him to confess that he lied, you need to catch him writing to her or phoning her. That might be hard though.

The girl is irrelevant. Your boyfriend is flirting, which is expressing a desire to cheat on you.

My suggestion? Confront him. You don't swat at an apple on an apple tree unless you're planning on it coming down. Meaning, you don't flirt unless you're hoping for action. If you like, you can also forward the text to L's husband, since he also deserves to know.

As for telling him what you did or not, snooping is wrong. You need to come clean. Secrets are as toxic as lies. Tell him what you did and genuinely apologize. When you're done, tell him that he needs to not flirt with married women.

He WILL try to pass his wrongdoing onto you - (insert any variation of "you snooping is why we have this problem" vs "me flirting is a problem" here) - don't let him. Don't get mad, but don't let him, either.

You CAN patch this up. It's possible. It's not likely, but it's still possible.

I've been with my husband for close to two years now, our son (first child) is due in Aug, if you knew HOW often and HOW much my husband flirted, not only with coworkers but customers... Some people are just natural flirts, and don't realize their doing it. Hubs flirts with girls while we're out, I just blow it off, and don't think too much about it.

Flirting doesn't equal a desire to cheat. I flirt with some of my customers, but that doesn't mean I have any desire to cheat on him, muchless leave him. She shouldn't have to forward the messages to L's hubs UNLESS the messages are inappropriate.

The best thing you can do, is just be honest with him. Yeah you snooped, but be honest about your feelings. Tell him your not comfortable with him talking to her, if your not.

Lamb Considering she said "very" flirtatious, they have a known desire for each other, and are NOT total strangers who don't know what they're doing and are just like that, I'd say their flirting is very clearly dangerous.

This situation does involve the husband, so I honestly think she should. If the OP disagrees, then she doesn't have to. It's up to her, as I stated.

I misread your post, my apologies. If you think it's still happening despite having confronted him, there's really no graceful way to bring it up since he hasn't actually DONE anything to warrant asking him again. If it's still giving you intestinal issues, however, use that. Tell him your anxiety hasn't eased, you're incapable of eating, and just want him to do something - anything - to make your fears go away about this girl.

I know it's hard to admit, but I am going to have to side with the others on this one. It may be hard to admit, but if you're going to be with someone, you should be able to trust them completely. If you have any doubts, then it's possible that you're always going to have them, and that's no way to live.

Think of it this way. If you were flirting with another man the way he seems to be flirting with L, how would he feel? Would he be very happy with it, and would he still want to be with you?

In my own opinion, and that's all it is, I don't really think that you should stay with J. If he's proven he's willing to go around behind your back and flirt with a married woman, Then he is not worth your time. Even if this blows over, he's already proven that if he gets his eyes on someone else he may have difficulty getting them back off again. For one, if he really cares about you more than anything, he should be afraid of losing you, and these are actions that can cause that loss.

So in conclusion I believe that you should leave him. I know you love him so much, and I know it's going to hurt, but I think you'll be happier about it in the long run. If you can't trust him, then you can never be comfortable with him.

I agree that flirting in a relationship is generally ok. The problem here is that he's flirting a lot with a girl who he tried to get with in the past and hiding it from his girlfriend. That's really no good. Imagine if your husband started texting and flirting with one of his exes whom he was very close with. NOT ok!

He has. But after we were married, he laid the lay down, that we were married, and they slowly backed off. The one who I thought was my biggest threat, messages him once in a blue moon, asking how we're both doing, and how the baby is.