This is just an example of how things are between us. This is not a one-time thing:

DH drives me to college since we only have one car and it's literally five minutes from his work. As a compromise that we worked out awhile ago, we listen to his radio stuff in the morning (KDWB's morning show) and we /don't/ listen to his political talk radio on the way home. (I can't stand that stuff even though he loves it.) This morning, as has happened a few times before, main guy on the radio show makes a 100% insensitive and inappropriate comment and is doing an entire bit on the topic related to the comment. DH doesn't understand why I'm upset. He's on the radio guy's side of the issue. I'm taking Psychology of Gender (I'm a Psych emphasis) and as a woman in addition to a psych student, people making inappropriate conversation around women's weight only serves to make me upset, and that's exactly what happened this morning. I can't just turn the radio off when it infuriates me (that will just create more conflict with DH) or I would have. So I had to listen to it for the rest of the way to school.

I'm pissed. I hate garbage like this, I hate having to listen to garbage like this, and I hate that people--AND MY HUSBAND OF ALL PEOPLE--ENDORSE this garbage!!!

When stuff like this happens I fall back to the line of thinking that's been going off-on the entire year: should we get a divorce? Could I even survive on my own after a divorce? Where would I live (I have three options)? Should I stay married to him or cut our losses and end the relationship? Should I insist on a trial separation after the semester's over and I don't need to rely on his rides anymore?

I don't know what to do. Our relationship isn't 100% horrible. He's an insensitive jerk sometimes, and he has a pattern of not paying attention when I'm talking and of not being able to understand when I try to explain things to him (like how I'm doing with my depression, which is so fricking important because I haven't been doing well). But I know he loves me more than anyone else I've known has ever loved me. I know he cares about me and would do almost anything to support me if he knew what it was he had to do to support me.

On the other side, he's a devout non-denominational/anabaptist Christian and I'm a strong Agnostic Atheist (using Wiki's definitions - I identify as agnostic). I'm not sure if I want kids, but I know I don't want kids with him because I don't want my kids to be damaged by religion in the same way that I was. I don't want to raise my kids in a religious household. I've been wavering back and forth with this divorce thing since the beginning of the year. He likes politics, I hate politics. I'm 100% for human equality (gay marriage, gender equality, equality for transgender persons, etc.) and he, well, he loves all people as a Christian and is slowly learning (through my rants mostly) how to come to terms with giving people equality in law as well.

We weren't always so different. We used to share a lot of the same religious beliefs. But then we both realized that the denomination I had been raised in/he had converted to was not a "true" church and was in fact founded by a liar and a rather evil man. (I will not state which denomination it is. Just know that many people consider it a cult, and I can see why though I don't fully agree.) After that realization he reverted back to his non-denominational church that he was part of beforehand and I investigated my beliefs before settling into agnosticism. Now it's hard to know what we have in common, especially when my depression makes it difficult to enjoy things.

I don't know what else to write. Part of me just needed to get this out. If you want to ask questions, go right ahead. If I feel comfortable answering them I will. If I don't, I'll politely let you know/explain.

So yeah. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I can stay married to him, or if it's even fair to either of us to stay married, and I don't know if I can make it on my own either. If I knew I could make it on my own, I'd probably ask for a divorce, but I don't know for sure because I'm not in that situation. :c

ETA: Okay, this is going to sound petty, but argh! He doesn't know how to yawn like a normal person! Dx Every single freaking time he yawns, he has to be really loud and almost make a production out of it. I hate it. I like quiet. I hate it being interrupted by ridiculously, obnoxiously loud noises that are completely unnecessary. And then he'll make random noises, too, that are unnecessary, but he feels compelled to make anyway. He makes them in the shower (which is annoying because our dresser and closet are next to the bathroom and I can hear him through the door), he makes them in the car (which is annoying enough because 99% of the time we have to listen to the radio on top of it), he makes them anywhere and everywhere it seems. :c

ETA: , , ,

I've been with my boyfriend for about 5 years now. We've broken up 3 times, and have taken a break for like a week. Things haven't been the best. It goes between him thinking I'm not trying anymore, or the fact he thinks I like other guys.

The issue is sometimes he can be a real dick about things. Then when I get upset, he just acts so dumb, like he doesn't know what he did wrong and it bothers me like crazy. It always made me wonder if maybe we just need to see other people and see if there's someone else for us. It hurts to think that, but arguing as much as we do sometimes bugs me. It makes me wonder if I really have ever held him back from doing better things with his life.

A divorce is a pretty big thing.. I'm only at the boyfriend part of our relationship, so it's not as hard to say "we're through" If I can't take it anymore. I don't think a "break" would work with being married though..

Have you ever told him that he's been insensitive? Sometimes it's not easy for a person to hear/respond to, but sometimes it gets them thinking. Or just in gnereal, talk to him about the relationship, explain to him, kinda like you did with us.

As for what you said on your post about the questions you ask yourself, that's good to think. You shouldn't force yourself with someone for the wrong reasons, or at all. Do what you need to make yourself happy, and it could even benefit him too.

As for the children part, I can understand the whole religion thing. I was never into religion because I was afraid at times. I'm a pansexual, so I don't think it floats to well in the catholic community to be one, so I stayed shy from getting into a religion.

(Sorry If I strayed away from the main part of your issue, kinda got sidetracked while typing most of this.. lol.)

"I know he ... would do almost anything to support me if he knew what it was he had to do to support me."

...Such as listen?

No offense, but I'm not seeing a whole lot of that, and listening is a very big form of emotional support. He's actively refusing to take part, actually, in viewing your outrage as no big deal (), and telling you to just deal with it () so he can do some minor fun-thing he can easily replace with something less offensive to your gender (). The very fact that he makes you listen to it when he knows it makes you upset () tells me he's not being very supportive.

I don't have the most experience with relationships, but I do know that a three-strike system has worked the best for me, and that's four strikes. This has proved to be a serious issue in your relationship, and that's not even the full post yet.

I don't know if divorce is the right thing just yet, but then again, I don't have the full picture (at all). Marriage counseling would be my first instinct, but if you think there's too much to work out, a divorce might be just what you need.

It's up to you. I just want to make sure you know he's being a very real issue.

As for the noises, my stepdad does them too. I'm not sure what to do in your case, however, as I have the luxury of getting to literally yell at him to shut up. My mom will get on his case if he tries to discipline me, and I'm smarter than he is and he knows it, so any confrontation won't end very well for him (and then I tattle, so he gets it double).

...You can probably already tell I don't like him! I don't. I have good reasons.

Anyhow, he does those noises (sneezes loud, coughs like he's dying, yawns like the world must know, etc) because he is a very short, very old, very weak, very poor, very cowardly, controlling man that has a compulsive need to feel big and powerful. Big noises, big cars, big motorcycles, and racist, sexist humor do that for him (being yelled at and bossed around by a girl in her twenties that's not remotely buying his shit just kills him).

I don't know if it's the same for your husband, but that's what little I know of the subject.

It sucks that you are dealing with similar issues in your relationship, but it helps me feel a little better to know I'm not alone.

We've talked about these issues and the idea of divorce quite a bit. He doesn't want a divorce and thinks we can work things out, but sometimes when I really dig my heels in with the reasons why I'm thinking about divorce he'll admit that maybe we should seriously consider getting a divorce. It's so confusing! Dx

We actually talked over the radio thing later that day and it turns out that part of the issue was miscommunication. He never told me to just deal with it. I assumed that I had to just deal with it because he didn't take the initiative to turn it off himself. I don't know. I don't remember things very well so I don't want to say something that didn't actually happen, you know?

He knows now that this radio personality has the potential to really piss me off, so in the future he knows to be more on the look out for me being upset at what the personality says. So that's productive, right? :s

We've thought about marriage counseling, but to be honest I'm conflicted on if it would be worth it or not.

We both love each other, but ever since my previous relationship a few years ago I've maintained that love doesn't solve everything and it never can. So it would hurt immensely to divorce him, but I just don't know how to figure out if it would be the best thing to do in the long run.

Okay, so he DOES listen. That's good.

See, I told you I don't know the full picture. xD

If you're having doubts, marriage counseling can certainly be worth it. Removing doubts one way or the other is what counseling is for.

It's up to you.

Ugh. I just need to vent.

As of this exact moment, if I knew that I could support myself, I would get a divorce. I just learned that my depression bothers him and I... I just can't. I can't be with someone who won't accept that part of me. I hate it too, but it's part of my life and even when the right meds work, it's never going to go away. I'm always going to have depression, for the rest of my life. My depression is biological. That's just how things go. But not only that, but I can't continue to live with someone who won't disclose to me when they are unhappy with something. And he kept that from me, he hid that he is bothered by my depression. How am I ever supposed to trust him again??

I just wish my depression would go away enough for me to feel comfortable finding a job and living on my own. :c

Are you actively seeking help for your depression? It really sounds like it's all miscommunication or non-communication at this point. I do think marriage counseling would really, really help out. Either to help resolve your issues, or make it clear that it's time to move on.

Yes, I am. I take my meds and attend all my appointments religiously. I'm even starting a partial hospitalization program soon to try to get more intensive treatment.

I think you probably hit it there. Communication errors. I'll talk with my therapist today to see if she has any low-cost ideas on how to get marriage therapy around here. (Neither of our insurances cover the service.)

I totally wish you the best of luck! I know how crappy it is to be stuck in your position. My evil ex-husband did not support me through my post-partum depression after having my daughter, then 11 months later, twin boys. Definitely good luck!!!

That's awful. :c Post-partum is a real medical illness and needs a solid support system to improve. (Of course you already know that though. -dies-)

I'm glad you had the courage to move on.

Update: At this point it's pretty much a mutual agreement that divorce is the best thing for us. A lot is going on in life in general, so this is just going to make things even harder.

Thank you. <3 You have the courage, too to move on. I know you do! It's hard and it sucks, but you can totally do it.

"I just wish my depression would go away enough for me to feel comfortable finding a job and living on my own. :c"

This. So, so much. I can't identify with the marriage problems as I've never even had a proper boyfriend, but the depression. Ugh. People just don't understand, no matter how close they are to you or how much they love you. I feel as if unless you've experienced it yourself, you can't really understand it. I don't really have any advice to offer I guess, because I don't really deal with it that well myself. All I can really say is that I understand.

Thank you. It does mean a lot to me when others say they can relate to even part of what I'm going through. The fun part about my mental health right now? I'm on edge of receiving a borderline personality disorder diagnosis, which makes me feel even more confident (not) in supporting myself. Everything's so bad I'm considering again applying for disability. x-x