Why did Mama name me Hatchet Face? Well one day she decided to create me. I was born a common Fester before this last revamp. Her father was at her house out there (Not here in Subeta). Anyway she asked her father to name me. He said, "Hatchet Face". I understand she wanted her father to name me, but such a name.

As you can see I am not an unpleasant Fester to look at. I was teased at school horribly. I used to come home and cry, but I did not tell Mama.It seemed like all these other pets have such clever names; adjectives, verbs, adverbs, so interesting.

I heard other Subeta pets whisper things like this...

"Hatchet Face, I wonder if it is because she was hit in the face with a hatchet or because her face is really a hatchet...I mean look at that beak"

Of course then they laughed and I had to pretend I did not hear them. I did not want a confrontation. I knew that would cause our parents to be notified.

One day while my Facebook page a bunch of mean pets flamed me with insults. I could not take anymore and I deleted my account. Mama noticed my acct. was gone and she asked me about it. I could not hold back anymore and I spilled my guts. Through tears and sobs I told Mama. She hugged me. All my siblings and also my account mates comforted me. There is fourteen of us so I know I will always have 13 friends and Mama.

Mama told me about an old Dolly Parton song, not about a name, but about a coat.

Back through the years I go wonderin once again Back to the seasons of my youth I recall a box of rags that someone gave us And how my momma put the rags to use There were rags of many colors

Every piece was small And I didn't have a coat And it was way down in the fall Momma sewed the rags together

Sewin every piece with love She made my coat of many colors That I was so proud of As she sewed, she told a story From the bible, she had read

About a coat of many colors Joseph wore and then she said Perhaps this coat will bring you

Good luck and happiness And I just couldn't wait to wear it And momma blessed it with a kiss

My coat of many colors That my momma made for me Made only from rags But I wore it so proudly

Although we had no money I was rich as I could be In my coat of many colors My momma made for me

So with patches on my britches Holes in both my shoes In my coat of many colors I hurried off to school

Just to find the others laughing And making fun of me In my coat of many colors My momma made for me

And oh I couldn't understand it For I felt I was rich And I told them of the love My momma sewed in every stitch

And I told em all the story Momma told me while she sewed And how my coat of many colors Was worth more than all their clothes

But they didn't understand it And I tried to make them see That one is only poor Only if they choose to be

Now I know we had no money But I was rich as I could be In my coat of many colors My momma made for me Made just for me Lyrics from here

Mama offered to buy a cash shop credit card and change my name, but all of a sudden; I felt pride in who I am. I am a girl who's 80 something year old grandfather named me. I opened up a new Facebook page and I got involved in anti-bullying things. My confidence grew so much so the guidance counselor at my school asked me to mentor other bullied kids. I did that until I was through with school and working. I still am involved in anti-bullying causes. Kids if you are being bullied tell someone who is an authority figure, By all means tell your parents.

Well, I am off to do something fun with my friends. People who accept me for who I am. Bye for now.

It's a bit simplistic, the writing is very amateur. Not necessarily in a bad way but everything is very uniform and monotone. You tell us what he feels rather than showing us.

Think about this:

"They laughed at me and said I looked funny"

OR

I walked into the room and I could hear Johnny snigger under his breath with a sideways glance towards the cubby room where I hung up my coat. As I went to take my seat, Angela cast her eyes over at me and turned immediately to Suzy to whisper in her ear. "Ugly" I could hear her whisper in a breathy voice. Suzy immediately covered her mouth and I could see her cheeks turn gleefully pink and a few peels of laughter escaped her lips. I sat down at my desk and put my head down. Alone.

You tell the story through events, and character development, not as an author reiterating a monologue.

As for the monotone, read this very famous excerpt from Gary Provost: "“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.”

Explore punctuation, different sentence length, new language. You can improve this, I know you can.

Edit: Also, if you're going to use the tale of Joseph and his Dream Coat, make sure you tread carefully. It's a story with a lot of religious undertones and it may offend some people with your alteration. Maybe make an allusion to it, but not a direct reference. Just a suggestion.

It doesn't read like a story, more like a journal entry. You should flesh it out, maybe try writing in 3rd person? n3v3rm0re had some good advice too.

I agree, it reads more like a child's diary than an actual story. Perhaps you can make it work with your character, I've seen some pets who make the child-like writing work, but I think you need to do a little work on this. N3v3rmore brings up some great points about monotony and simplistic writing. And about the coat of many colors, many people will get offended by your reference, so be forewarned.

I like it.

I like the simple style. It makes me feel as though I'm reading a story scrawled by a simple person, and since I have family members and friends who belong to that group ( as well as being autistic myself ), I like it a lot. I don't think I've seen a pet win spotlight for a story like that, so I really think you should pursue this just the way it is.

The only things I would change are the things that break the fourth wall. It kills the mood a little, but that's an easy enough fix. Here's my suggestions:

"Well one day she decided to create me. I was born a common Fester before this last revamp. Her father was at her house out there (Not here in Subeta)." TO "Well, one day she brought me home as a baby. Her father was at her house that day."

"Mama offered to buy a cash shop credit card and change my name, but all of a sudden; I felt pride in who I am." TO "Mama offered to change my name, but all of a sudden--I felt pride in who I am."

Please do not necro old threads. Thanks! :)