I'm 27 years old. I'm an adult, I can make my own decisions, I am in control of myself and my life. So then why do I still get so pissed off at my mom? I don't have to live with her and I don't really visit her, so my contact with her is very minimal. Because of this, I guess I feel I should at least answer the phone when she calls me once in awhile. But after every phone call I am in such a bad mood.

She is just so negative about everything! I tell myself she's just lonely and bored. I try to be understanding. But I really get sick of her complaining about my other siblings, never being happy about anything, and being generally unsupportive of all my life decisions, especially the ones that make ME happy.

For example, she nitpicked on how much money I spend on cat food, saying that I could spend that money on myself instead. She hates animals so she doesn't understand how much I love my cats. It pisses me off though because it reminds me of my shitty childhood, how I couldn't do ANYTHING because of her. I didn't have my first pet until I was 24 years old. I feel like she never wanted me to experience anything good in life. She is always trying to tear down whatever good I have going on, finding any reason to criticize and disapprove.

I don't hate my mother. Admittedly I used to when I was younger. We've never had a good relationship. I'm older and more mature now so I try really hard to be accepting of her but she drives. me. crazy. If I don't answer her calls, I would feel guilty for literally not being in contact with her at all. Who completely 100% ignores their annoying but generally well-meaning mother? A bad person right? And even the short 10 minute calls make me feel like shit afterwards.

Sounds like you are doing everything right. Keeping contact to a minimum, telling yourself its her that's the problem. Have you talked to your siblings about her? Do they feel the same? Do they have any suggestions on how to deal with her?

You can try confronting her, telling her you don't want to hear her complaints about your siblings. You can tell her that you love your cat and that spending money on the animal is spending money on yourself because s/he makes you happy. But really, chances are you'll just be talking to yourself. If she hasn't figured out that being pleasant would make her happier and less lonely by this point in her life, nothing you say is likely to change that.

So, you can't change her. You've done your best to work on your own feelings, but you still feel bad after talking to her. Some possible options. After she calls, give yourself a treat. Get a doughnut, ice cream, go shopping, play with your cat - something you don't do often but really like so you can start to anticipate her calls instead of dreading them. Or maybe you should call her instead of waiting for her calls. Call at times when you will be going out with friends later, or have something else pleasant planned. Only be careful that the downer from talking to her doesn't start to negatively affect those pleasant things. if that happens, you'll have to try to work out a different strategy.

Finally there is the option of cutting her out of your life completely. That wouldn't make you a bad person. What would you say to someone who had a friend who behaved like your mother? You'd probably tell them to try to work things out, but if, in the end, the friend never made any effort to make the relationship work, it would be time to move on. Since its your mother, you do owe her more, but you don't owe her your mental health. If the downer from her calls is of short duration and you can stand it, then accept that will happen and you are doing what you can to protect yourself. If, on the other hand, it really gets you down, has lingering affects and impacts other things in your life, then you might have to consider cutting her out of your life.

Have you tried dropping hints or outright bringing up the fact that she's complaining so much? Or otherwise defending/contradicting the viewpoint that opposes her criticism (like she complains about a sibling, you say they aren't that bad blah bah)? Sounds like you might be doing that though. Depending on your mum, she might get offended or she might take notice of what she's actually saying to you.

My mum is kind of similar, but I'm literally the only person she can bitch to... when I've drawn attention to it, she's obviously feeling guilty about it and apologising. But now I just let her, and occasionally disagree if our views contradict. Might be a similar situation with yours? I wouldn't go as far as to cut her out of your life just yet.

I 100% disagree with Lypsyl. It's not always good to pin the problem on someone else. Since she hates cats, I can see why she would want you to spend money elsewhere (its the same with me and my video games) obviously she doesn't understand the joys a pet can bring since she's never had one. I honestly don't think your relationship with your mom is that bad, I get similar feelings sometimes and yes, I'm sure its because shes lonely. There's no reason to feel like you should reward yourself for talking to your mother. At least you have one and she still bothers to call. She probably has nothing else to talk to you about (again, in the same boat. I'm like my moms best friend and she calls me at college to tell me how her boyfriend dumped tea on her and expects me to laugh it off with her. Um no :l It just makes me sad I'm not there to protect her)

I kind of agree with Volga on the dropping hints idea. Flat out saying it could cause an argument where you'd end up hating her for a while (it happened between my mother and grandmother but they patched it up). She's trying to stay in your life, it's very obvious she's making the effort even if its one thats not to your liking. Do not remove her from your live, if you feel bad just missing her phone calls, imagine how bad it would be to cut her off.

This might be a tad rude but Lypsyl's opinion reminds me of how I felt when I was a cutter in middle school and had to go to therapy 2x a week ^^" It's not meant to be offensive, but its the only thing I could think of :/ I hated my mom and blamed my issues on her but I would be nothing if it wasn't for her. We might be poor, my dad might not live with us because she cheated, and she might have abusive boyfriends but she my mother and she hasn't given up on me or my sisters. So until yours does (stops calling), I think you could find a way to work out some kind of agreement when it comes to your phone calls :)