I see a few topics catering to other users regarding their families, and I thought that maybe it is time to ask for opinions and advice regarding my own family.

First, a little background. I'm a 19-year old female, adopted. I am attending a community college, working part time, and living with my parents.

I hear one of two things all the time when stating things regarding my parents:

• Move out (I don't have the money to support myself, yet)
• Deal with it Neither one of these is helpful, and I kindly ask you to refrain from just telling me to "deal with it".

My family does not communicate well. This, however, goes beyond communication. Since I was in middle school, my father would have screaming fits at me during which he told me I wasn't good enough, I wasn't smart enough, I would never get accepted into a college. This continued throughout highschool, even after being accepted into 4 different universities -- the choice to go to a community college was made for me by FAFSA not giving me money because my family has a higher income and because my family won't pay for anything but community college. So, I am stuck here, with a father that enjoys belittling me. My parents constantly compare me to my brothers, their biological children, and how I am not good enough. My grades have more than surpassed theirs and I was active in sports and music all through school. The only difference between me and my brothers, besides grades, is that I am not their biological child. I don't know if this factors into how they feel about me, but how they do feel about me is hurtful.

My IPASS account recently messed up and I was sent a $60 bill yesterday. It was mailed to my father, as the car is in his name. I worked all today and could not get to the bank to deposit money into my account so I could go online and pay it. My father came downstairs screaming, about a half hour ago, now, about how I don't take care of anything and how I will have to get up really early tomorrow to take care of it because I was too lazy to do it today. The bank doesn't even open until 10am, so there is nothing I can do until then, and even so, I do not want my father to go with me.

No matter what I do, he will belittle me and insist that I am wrong, lazy, stupid, or lying to him. I don't know what to do, anymore, and my counselor keeps telling me I need to move out. I know this, but I cannot afford it yet -- any advice for coping meanwhile?

perhaps you can ask around your workplace for someone looking for a roommate?

I'm wondering why they decided to adopt if they were just going to insult and degrade you. (not that i'm saying its a bad thing you got adopted but i'm wondering what made this family in particular decide to adopt a child...) anyways, the only thing i can think of is to just ignore you dad. He's just saying rude things to you, and you shouldn't believe him. and i second shatzy, see if you can find a friends house to stay at for a while until you can support yourself.

All of my really good friends are away at college / living at home during the summer. Most of them are guys, anyway. The girls that I work with are mostly living at home too, or married, so there really aren't people that need roommates. :/

Sherbet, I've wondered that most of my life. I think they wanted a girl, so they adopted, and then later decided who-knows-what. My mother isn't outright mean to me, usually, but she never moves to defend me, even when she knows that I am right.

It's frustrating and my family is the reason that I lost my faith in any religion -- if they can call themselves Christian, and they are seen as upright and faithful by the people in the Church, I don't know if that's what I want to be. :/

i'm not justifying what is happening. i'm not even pretending that i understand the whole of it either, but things look different when you are a parent. the world is a very scary place to know that your child is going to have to live in alone.

i honestly believe that a lot of parent hostility in most cases is rooted in a parent's unease with the value of their actual parenting. your inability to take care of a bill, for example, may not necessarily be a reflection of you, but more about a failure in your father for not being able to teach you.

of course we both know that he taught you life lessons... but when things go wrong, a parent gets upset and worried and often that upset translates into hostility and anger... usually because a parent has no real way to communicate effectively to their child. it's a very different experience.

i suppose what i am saying is that perhaps, to help you cope with your circumstances, you should attempt to see what is going on from another perspective. of course you probably won't be able to do much with that... but at least it will give you something constructive.

I try to see things from his perspective, but he gets angry at the slightest things.

Sometimes it is because I am at school too much, other times because I'm not studying enough (and I'm doing the same amount I have been). Sometimes I am not working enough, other times I'm at work too much (again, they stay the same, what differs is his perception). I'm not really sure how to take it, anymore. :/

I could never fully understand your situation, but I may have a couple small bits of advice to offer. When I was about your age (I'm 23 now, so it wasn't all that long ago :P), my father went through a horrible, twisted version of a mid-life crisis with added emotional issues that turned him into a monster. He was destroying the family, and one of his favorite hobbies was trying to tear me to pieces on an emotional level. It was much the same as you described: I was never smart enough, although my grades were top of the class and I was accepted to the two best universities in the country for my field, I was never good enough, I was a mouthy bitch, I was useless, I was worthless. Day-in, day-out, no matter what I did or what I said. My mother was also no help, but that was because she had her own issues to deal with.

This is going to sound obvious/useless, but I need to say it: don't let him get to you. All his bullshit about you not being good enough, smart enough, whatever, is just that: bullshit. Keep reminding yourself of that when it just seems like you can never succeed, remember that he's the only one spouting all this garbage and trying to hurt you. I know that after you've been called worthless so many times that you start to wonder if you really are...but if it's just one verbally abusive asshole saying it, chances are you're not.

Other than that, when things get oppressive or relentless, sit for a moment and think about the positives in your life. Sounds corny, I know, but it helped me limp through a very dark and painful part of my life. Yes, my family was falling to pieces, but I had friends, I had my sisters, my pets, I got into the schools I wanted to, I accomplished my personal goals...he couldn't take all that away from me. I wish you a lot of luck dealing with your father, and I wish I could have been more help.

Hey Caitlin! I was looking through your 'recent topics' and found this. Reading through the posts I think theres a mixture of all these things going on...

As far as coping strategies go, trying to get by until you move out, you already use the one I would resort to: Online Friends and Games.

For in-person stuff, perhaps you should try and catch him off guard? Ask him a question about himself. If he chews you out for something, ask him if he ever did something similar? Or change the subject entirely. I'm not familiar with your dad, or I might give better advice.

For you personally, it seems important to spend as little time home as possible if things get tough, do you have many friends? Co-workers? Maybe you can arrange more time out? Its tough when you're already busy though.

You know, this makes me think I need to learn more about you xD Need to chat more! I feel like I know nothing!

I wish I could come up with more but I had the opposite problem going up, my dad just wasn't there at all.

Geez, that's terrible. I hate that for you. =( Why would someone adopt a child just to treat them that way and disrespect them? It's a complete waste, in my opinion.

Have you tried sitting him down and talking to him while he's calm? Tell him that the things he says really hurts you, and that you try your best to do what you can... you know you can't be perfect, but you don't deserve the things he says to you. Maybe he'll understand... if not, and I know you told us not to tell you to move out, but I think shatzy's idea was great. See if there's a friend or co-worker you can move in with until you're able to afford a place on your own. Or perhaps you could look into getting a scholarship that'll pay for you to go off to college elsewhere? I don't know, but it sounds like you really need to step forward and take action against this. You shouldn't have to live with that going on around you.

Good luck, seriously... I don't know what else to tell you that I haven't said already. I hope everything works out!