so i've been dating this boy that i absolutely adore. we've been dating for about 2 and a half months now. he's 17, i'm 16. he's smoked for awhile but when i told him i didn't like, he said he would quit for me. all fine and good. i didn't tell him to quit, i just told him that i'm fine with it as long as he doesn't try to get me to do it and as long as he doesn't do it around me. he goes, ''no. i'm gonna try to quit for you. i want to.'' so i said fine.

well, he's told me that he's quit and that he doesn't do it anymore. and then i kiss him and i can taste it, and i can smell it in his car. i always ask, ''did you smoke?'' and he goes, ''no! i told you i quit. god damn.'' he gets all defensive and always tells me it's his friends that do and that's why his car smells, so i drop it. i understand how hard it is to quit, and since it was his choice, i dropped it.

but then about a week later he tells me that he has been smoking and that he's sorry for lying to me, but that he promises he won't anymore. he's done that four different times.

it's not the fact that he's still smoking that bothers me, it's the fact that he keeps lying that bugs me. i told him that i understand it's hard and that i'm gonna be there whether he smokes or not.

i just don't see why he keeps lying when he knows that i'm fine with it. i absolutely hate when i get lied to.

and now i'm feeling stupid for believing him. and i don't know what to do. i'm so infuriated that he's treating me this way.

He's ashamed about it. He wants to do it for you, but can't. He wants to be glorified in your eyes & by lying, he thought he could be without having to give up his addiction.

You're right, the smoking is not the problem, it's the lying. A relationship does need trust and he's not really giving you that. I don't know what to tell you. You told him you were fine with it and really, he shouldn't be lying. But, what you can do about it is anyone's guess. You already told him how you felt and he keeps lying regardless.

What do you think you can do about it at this point?

it just really hurts that he feels the need to lie to me. he knows that i already adore him. and it just hurts that he thinks i'll be ashamed of him. i don't know. i feel like he thinks i'm gonna leave him.

quitting smoking is very difficult. it is so easy to succumb to the addiction without even realizing it. i agree with bluestar that he wants desperately to please you and he probably feels great shame when he smokes. but i take his smoking almost secretively... as if he knows it is wrong (to you). the guy is conflicted and is having a hard time battling the problem.

i certainly wouldn't take each lie as a wounded moment... making each lie all that more bigger because he is having difficulty beating smoking.

i honestly think the best thing to do is to sit down and have a minor, non-confrontational discussion about it. flat out ask him if he wants to continue smoking or if he wants to try and quit. explain that you understand his shame and difficulty and that you are here to support him with quitting.

of course you should tell him that his lying makes you feel bad -- almost like you can't be trusted with his struggles -- but that you understand that it is a difficult road and you are willing to try as long as he does.

yes, i've reiterated constantly that him smoking is the least of my worries. -- that's really good advice. the whole ''almost like i can't be trusted with his struggles.''

that's exactly how i'm feeling.

Quoted for sad and heartbreaking truth, the poor boy.

Sounds like hes got some demons, and the best people in the world are often smothered in bad habits. The question is, can you handle it? Addiction is difficult, as many others have stated but there is also the issue of addictive personality-- even if your boy quits smoking, will he take up something else because of impulse. Then there is the lying in order to keep him in your good graces.

I'm sorry that you have to struggle along with him.

but think about this: if it was so easy for him to lie about something he didn't have to lie about, how easy will it be for him to lie about other things, and what other things has he lied about?

that's what concerns me.

i personally find that very destructive thinking. just like you can never really know how someone feels about you. this kind of thing can be detrimental to your relationship. you should concentrate on positive thinking instead.

relationships require blind faith at times.

i'm not going to rely on positive thinking, especially when honesty is a big thing to me. i'm going to think about how i'm feeling and not just on things that i want or think to happen. i want to be true.

how easy will it be for him to lie about other things, and what other things has he lied about?

It is up to you whether you want to work it out with him or not. If the trust issue is a big thing with you, something he keeps breaking even after having talked with him repeatedly about it, it might be time to end the relationship with him.

/edited because I forgot some words, sorry D:

ok. well i suppose i guess it's about your feelings of distrust and disappointment over his feelings of inability and disgrace. thumbs up

well, i know that i don't want to break up with him. askdjfdsf i don't know. i've never had to deal with this before. i'm just a really confused.

Have you told him that you'd rather he didn't lie about quitting? Cus it seems more like he just really doesn't want to disappoint you more than anything.

yes, we had a long (non-yelling) talk about that. i made it clear that i didn't appreciate being lied to, and i put emphasis on the fact that trust is a big deal to me.

I always hate situations like that. I doubt he's doing it to hurt you... but you should really tell him to just be honest with you, regardless of what's going on. The lying is a lot worse than the smoking, in my opinion, so if you feel the same way I do about that, let him know that too... maybe he'll open up and be honest with you, and hopefully he won't lie about anything else either.

Many people have the issues with dealing with smoking but like many people have already stated, it's the continuing to lie that's bothering me. If you're lying about smoking, what else are you lying about? A relationship is about trust and if you can't trust him, what else is there right? My best friend has been smoking for YEARS and I got him to quit. I did something "I" thought I would NEVER do,( I have allergies and some asthma) I picked up one of his ciggies and lit up, it FREAKED HIM OUT SOOO MUCH! He didn't want me to start/get addicted/get sick so he stopped. His withdrawals were SOO PMSy that you could TELL he really quit.

As for your boyfriend, go up to him, give him a big kiss, and go "you mean a lot to me, all I want out of you is the truth, if you need or want my help I will be there for you in a heartbeat as I hope you will be for me if I need the favor returned." It's always easier to do something knowing you're supported than if you're alone.

my boyfriend does this. well, he has done it. if you burn it into his head that you won't be with a liar he should at least stop lying to you about it? i suggest telling him you won't say anything if he smokes, that way he'll at least stop lying to you and trying to hide it from you. however, if you've only been going out for a little while and he's already gotten into a pattern of lying maybe reconsider the relationship D; easier said than done, i know, i've been in your situation so many times. if you're interested in talking about this more, feel free to comment me. (:

Dealing with smoking is an issue that is difficult to control. I think it is nice from him to try to quit for you, and sounds like he doesn't want to disappoint you, and that's why he is lying. As people already said, basically support him and make sure he understands it's okay for you if he keeps smoking.