warning: lots of BAWWWing ahead! also rather graphic.

i'm the counselor type of friend, the one everyone goes to for advice because i'm so level-headed and, well, wise. while i don't sugarcoat things, i'm very understanding. i've solved all sorts of problems for a lot of people..except myself.

i have tons of issues, but my biggest one is that i'm irrationally paranoid. bumps in the night keep me awake, i look out the window constantly, i carry knives with me when i go out. i used to not even be able to cope with being the only person awake in the house. i'm so terrified of getting hurt that i often just curl up in a ball and bawl my eyes out. i hate crying; it's so weak and stupid and i should never have a reason to, except the slightest thing makes me tear up.

if i leave myself idle (now that i'm on break, it's much easier to do than it used to be), my mind always strays to everything morbid and disgusting it can make up. i'm leaving myself clutching my shoulders, wrapped in a blanket, clutching my dog or screaming into a pillow more than once every single day. facing your fears is a great way to get rid of them, but having my limbs ripped off, spewing blood all over the floor, losing my face and being stabbed over and over again so i'm not afraid anymore isn't such a bright idea. neither is being diagnosed with cancer or something else terminal.

i've dealt with this sort of daily ritual for a couple years. i can fall asleep easily now, but it's not uncommon for me to throw a fit before dozing off. i've gotten dizzy only once, made myself feel sick more times than i can remember but i know it's not a large number. even so, i hate being like this. i feel so helpless. a leader should never be reduced to a sobbing, paranoid mess like i constantly am.

i don't know what to do about this. i'm trying to go see my doctor about something else soon, so i might ask her about it while i'm there. i have no idea how much help she's going to be, though - she'll probably say i'm way too young to be thinking about these kinds of things, or it's all in my head and i'm just growing up.

tl;dr: i'm scared for my life on a daily basis.

sorry for making you deal with all that. it seems like journal material, but i thought posting it here would earn more attention. i need some.

so...what could i possibly do? please don't call me a crazy bitch, because i already know that.

I think the first thing you should do is find a therapist. Quite frankly, there isn't much else you can do at this point; I know it from experience. ):

A therapist will help you a lot, so long as they are a good one and that you find them easy to talk to. It's really exhausting trying to sort out your problems on your own when you can barely sort out your thoughts. I don't know what kind of person you are, but I found finding a less clinical therapist really helped me; someone who seemed a little less automaton and a little more human. I know the prospect of needing to speak with a doctor about getting a referral is daunting, but if they can do their jobs properly, they shouldn't laugh at you. /:

Lastly, have you mentioned any of this to your parents? They'd probably be able to help you get an appointment as well.

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Also, if they try to put you on medication, don't shut down the idea right away. They can help, not that they make your problems go away magically, but they help you calm yourself down so you can wrap your mind around getting better.

that's what i was thinking, too. having someone to talk to without a bunch of issues is really wonderful.

i'll have to convince my dad that i need one, though. D; he understands me well, and he knows about these kinds of things, but honestly all he can offer is hugs and reassurance for just that night that everything's alright, even if he refuses to believe that.

i don't shun medication, not at all. if it helps me get over this, i'm more than willing to try it.

yeah, my mom was the same way. I think this kind of thing really scares parents, at least I know it scared mine (not that I had your exact issues but from around ages 11-16 I was really, really messed up.) But if your dad is understanding, I think he should be able to help you get in touch with someone you can talk with. Your family doctor would probably know more about that though, so I really would suggest making an appointment with them first as opposed to trying to find a therapist on your own. It's kind of a trial-and-error thing.

my dad's never been vocal about if my issues scare him or not, although they probably do. he's a great guy, and i love him, but he's never really had any problems like mine in his life, so it's hard for him to help even though i know he's trying to. in fact, we're both pretty sure i got these kinds of things from my mother. she drank to soothe herself, and everyone knew she wasn't all there.

i'll ask my doctor for a referral. she's known me ever since i was a baby, so hopefully she will be able to find a good therapist for me rather than just the first one she finds.

: i do like watching the news. i've always got to know what's going on, even if it's a bit frightening or depressing to think about. and yeah, i bet some of my paranoia sprouts from it. :(

i don't watch horror movies, and i never have. maybe i'd be able to if i started at a younger age, but now they're just too scary for me.

i block out all the light i can while i sleep, and i do play some music (i used to have it blaring when i went to bed, now if i have it more than barely audible i'm up all night). plus, i have my little dog to cuddle with, so getting to sleep is a lot easier than it used to be. when we first moved here, it took me at least 30 minutes to doze because we live right behind the freeway.

I kinda have similar problems, although not quite like yours. I can get paranoid, I suppose, but for me its really the anxiety that gets to me. I guess the two things kinda go hand-in-hand, come to think of it...

I have different fears than you, but for me, what I usually come down to when I'm really thinking about is this - it may happen. You never know what's going to happen. Uncertainty is a part of living. For me, I may faint and fall off an escalator and die (heh, one of my weird fears) or you might be attacked. The key word, or so I've realized, is the the world "might". Nothing is for certain, nothing is definite. That uncertainty is both a curse and a blessing.

My sister gave me advice when I was freaking out about something. When you go to bed, take one item and put it next to you or near you, and convince yourself that it will protect you. It may seem silly, and deep down, you know that it may be ridiculous. But it always makes me feel better. When I'm sleeping, I hang a small tribal lion's mask from the bedpost of my bed and have it facing the door, and when I'm awake, I keep a beaded bracelet on my left hand perpetually. It makes me feel better when I'm vulnerable.

I hope I helped a little! Also, crying is not weak by any means - obviously, all of us here who've given you advice have gone through these things. Its going to be okay. ^.^

I agree with nine.

A therapist will help you a lot, so long as they are a good one and that you find them easy to talk to. It's really exhausting trying to sort out your problems on your own when you can barely sort out your thoughts.

It sounds like you have an nasty anxiety disorder, mixed in perhaps with OCD (they can go to gether). See a psychiatrist, he/she can get you on the proper medications to help. Unfortunately medications wont completely erase the problem, but they help vastly (they do take about three months to get into your system though). Before I got help I constantly had nightmares about massive natural disasters. I couldn't watch documentaries on volcanos (or earth quakes, or tsunami, or space...) because I would spend days angsting on when yellowstone would errupt and other things that would wipe out humanity. Doesn't sound all that bad (I mean realy, not watching documentaries?) untill you consider that when other children were watching Sesame Streat, Mr. Rodgers and Barney I was watching Nova and Nature about the breeding habbits of mayflies. I grew up on documentries.

My point being I can watch documentries again. I still have the ocasional nightmare about a giant asteriod being dislodged from the Kuiper belt and destroying mankind leaving me and a number of random people to rebuild the human race- but its not the end of the world. (Hahaha...)

I wish you luck!

a bit late, but thank you all so much for your support! ❤️❤️❤️

i may not be able to see my doctor until next week since she's rather busy, but i'll be able to hold on for that long if i have to. my dad thinks i'm only going to see her for something that won't require tons of time, so hopefully i'll be able to squeeze in an appointment sooner.

i know i was pretty pathetic in my original post, but i am really determined to conquer this problem. ever since it began i've felt disconnected with the outside world; it sounds sappy (okay, it is sappy), but it's so debilitating that ending it will be life-changing. i can't wait until i'm finally able to get up and move on.

if anyone would like to give me any further advice, i would totally appreciate it.

I did this same thing when I was around 11-12. It was right after we moved to our new house. I was terrified of burglars. I'm still scared of them but I get used to it (Im 20 now). I did go see a therapist about it. My problem is it is related to my OCD which is controlled by medication and therapy. A therapist is the best thing though or a psychiatrist. They can tell you if you maybe have anxiety issues and help you get over it with or without medication.

Oh and if you have any question about OCD and/or anxiety I can help you anytime. Just smail me or comment. I was diagnosed about 5 years ago so I'm pretty well educated now.

My only suggestion would be to keep yourself busy so you don't have time to dwell on things that frighten you until you can see the therapist. Find projects that take concentration and that are fun.