Relationships. They are never easy, especially a relationship with oneself. Often times we are not raised to have genuine love for ourselves- not the prideful kind, the other one. The kind of love we constantly hear about giving someone else or even the way someone should be loving you. We should be teaching ourselves to love the person we are, to embrace our self.

When I was a little girl I was always afraid of people, to be honest I still am. I developed that thing called anxiety. It's been with me my entire life. I was raised with her, to fear, to constantly be afraid and it's hard. Anxiety and me have had the longest relationship and usually the reason why my friendships and other relationships have failed. Was it always my fault? No. But I know she played a part.

If I could tell you what it feels like- it's a constant fight within myself. Whether it's what I wear or what I've said.. I have to constantly go over what I'm about to say before I say it. She has taught me to even fear a conversation before it's happened. I promise you that before I've written something in a message I've at least gone over it for over five, ten minutes and even then once it's sent I already regret it. If it's social media better believe I've deleted it within twenty minutes. I second guess myself all the time. If I had to explain; anxiety is a monster, she is always lingering, always watching, always waiting.

She has me weak, has made me crumble in ways you wouldn't imagine and yet all anxiety is, is in my head, and no I can't ignore it. Accompanied by depression it's not an easy fight. I shake inside when anxiety strikes not every time do people know I'm having an attack. I take medication and I'm not ashamed to say it but even then it gets out of hand.

I'm fighting every day with her, she tells me things that are not true but she has a way of always making me believing it. I'm pretty sure she's the reason I lay awake at night thinking about all the things that could go wrong, why I feel like a bad mom, or that I'll never be good enough for anyone or anything. Those words were spoken to me once before and she never lets it die, she constantly brings it up throughout my life.

I went through relationships like thin water, I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I wanted someone to overpower her words but to be honest it made it worse. I had to learn to love myself because no one taught me what that was. I always tell people to love themselves first, because it really is important. I began to love being single I wasn't even looking when I met my now husband.

When I had my son I knew things had to be different. Even still that monster turned to my son, the thoughts I had would scare any mom. I never knew postpartum anxiety even existed until I took a class. I'd lose sleep all the time with her constant yelling in my mind. But after having him I had to learn to speak up even when I was scared, he gave me strength and courage I never knew I had to finally shut her up. I still struggle somedays more somedays less, but with him I am able continue to fight. Whether I win or sometimes lose, I've had enough.

It isn't easy to be around me, a person with anxiety. I hope one day she gets her own place, because my heart is now full from where we first met. My mind used to be empty just me and her- hide behind my mom, a coat, a sweater, my hair, a lover or behind the crowd where no one could see me; anywhere to feel safe inside.

I realize now that all my life I've been trying to make her comfortable instead of letting my real self shine.

Relationships. They are never easy, especially a relationship with oneself. Often times we are not raised to have genuine love for ourselves. The kind of love we constantly hear about; self love. We should be teaching ourselves to love the person we are, to embrace our self.

When I was a little girl I was always afraid of people- to be honest I still am. I developed that thing called anxiety; perhaps I was born with it? It's been with me my entire life. I was raised with fear, to fear, to constantly be afraid and it is still hard to not be afraid of the unknown. Anxiety and me have had the longest relationship and usually the reason why my friendships and other relationships have failed. Was it always my fault? No. But I know anxiety played a part.

If I could tell you what it feels like- it's my heart pounding, I feel like I've been running but I haven't and my mind is racing and I'm telling my self things that might not me rational or perhaps an overreaction . Whether it's what I wear or what I've said. I have to constantly go over what I'm about to say before I say it. Anxiety has taught me to even fear a conversation before it's happened. I promise you that before I've written something in a message I've at least gone over it for over five, ten minutes and even then once I press send I already regret it. If it's social media I've probably deleted it within minutes, maybe a day at most. I second guess myself all the time. If I had to explain; anxiety is a monster, always lingering, always watching, always waiting.

Anxiety has made me feel like I am weak, has made me crumble in ways you wouldn't imagine and yet all anxiety is- is in my head, and no I can't ignore it or "get over it". Accompanied by depression it's not an easy fight. I am shaking inside when my anxiety strikes and most of the time no one knows I'm having an attack. I don't hide it. I just can't move or talk and It's hard to swallow. I don't shake on the outside, I don't scream, I shut down and I cry. I take medication and I'm not ashamed to say it but even then it gets out of hand.

I'm fighting every day with anxiety. It makes me think things that are not true but has a way of always making me believing it. I'm pretty sure the thoughts that it puts in my mind are the reason I lay awake at night thinking about all the things that could go wrong, why I feel like a bad mom, or that I am unlikeable, unlovable. Those words were spoken to me once before and my mind never lets it die. It's constantly bringing it up throughout my life.

Growing up I went through relationships like thin water. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I wanted someone to overpower anxiety's words but to be honest it made it worse. I had to learn to love myself because no one taught me what that was. I always tell people to love themselves first because it really is important. They always say they can't- I get it I thought that too. But you can. I began to love being single, I began to truly take care of myself, love myself, nurture myself. I wasn't even looking when I met my now husband.

When I had my son I knew things had to be different. Even still that "monster" turned to my son. The thoughts I had would scare any mom. I never knew postpartum anxiety even existed until I took a class. I'd lose sleep all the time with the constant yelling in my mind. But after having him I had to learn to speak up even when I was scared when the anxiety overtook. He gave me strength and courage I never knew I had to finally quiet the shouting. I still struggle somedays more and somedays less, but with my kids I am able continue to fight. Whether I win or sometimes lose- I've had enough of anxiety always winning.

It probably isn't easy to be around me, a person with anxiety. I hope one day I can truly say I'm cured-because my heart is now full. My mind used to be empty just me and my thoughts- I would hide behind my mom, a coat, a sweater, my hair, a lover or behind the crowd where no one could see me; anywhere to feel safe inside.

I realize now that all my life I've been to concerned living with anxiety instead of putting up a bigger fight. But one day, maybe one day soon. I can change those thoughts and take control because I now have a son, a daughter and a husband to keep me strong.

You hear a peck at your window and see a little white bird with a huge envelope in his beak. You open the wondow and the little bird drops the envelope in your hands before flying away - curious you open the letter

you read it, smile and put it on the table to add a note to your calender, so you can surely attend.

fast forward to the 24th of December

On your way to Melody s cottage your meet a lot of fellow Subetians, who are also going to join what looks like a huge luminaire dinner. The snow around the cottag gleams and softly some snowflakes start falling, giving the cottag an enchanted look. Together with your friends you enter and stop dead in your track. The door closes behind you and all you see is...

.... pitchblack dark. An omniuos, not pleasant dark. You stand there huddled together, feeling weird.

After a few moments in the pitch black dark you feel some other starting to shift uneasy - trying to find something to cling to. Suddenly you feel a little hand, that puts something in your hand - and feeling you realize it is a small candle.

Then there is a hissing sound as someone lights a match and then the light of a candle in someones hand

slowly but now feeling secure you move towards this light and light your own candle suddenly the room is lit up by a lot of small candles and everything looks cozy and festive.

Melody and Charity speak softly together "welcome friends - we wish you a merry lumi ~ we wanted to show you, that it is not about big things, but how small things can make things more bright"

Luminaire is not about receiving Luminaire is about giving and sharing.

Wear a mask, do not go out and relax take it off and breathe

I had actually to look up how Haikus work - so educational!