Nelis my dragon.
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Hi, I have written about Nelis. He is a dragon but he is also misfortune. It's a little a sad story.
I want to know if I can improve some sentences in english. It's not my native speak. And I want to know if the story about him has got a logical cohesion.
If you don't understand something, please let me know. I can work on it.
Oh, well, he is a dragon, but actually he is the most similar with the common human from all my pets.
Sorry for the length! I'll break it down into sections. Next post I'll give possible revisions if you want them. ^^
FIRST PARAGRAPH:
"Drake species are so different as humans and apes which are interconnected. That means Human end apes has got the same ancestor and drakes are also different with each other, but they have got the same ancestor too.": Confusing and a bit unclear. You explained it now, but its clunky and doesn't fit in with the natural flow of the story.
There are dragons like monkeys and wild animals who are not civilizated and still live in nature.:"civilizated" is civilized.
"But not all dragons species": It's an incomplete sentence.
"The dragonspecie experiment was cifilizated far before human": dragon species instead of "dragonspecie" and civilized instead of "cifilizated." "far before human"- doesn't make sense. "humans" or "humanity" would work.
This species looks primitive. Instead of wings, it has membranes where it can float with it, but it can not fly.:"which" instead of "where"
Their body's looks alike primitive reptiles, because they have acquired very early in the evolution to handling with tools and they developed technology.: "bodies look alike" instead of "body's looks alike." "because they have acquired very early in the evolution to handling with tools and they developed technology" replace with "because they have acquired very early while evolving the ability to handle tools and develop technology."
Because of this they have not the need to further develop the classic appearance of a dragon with real wings.: It sounds a bit off.
The technology overcomes many shortcomings of their own body. Compared with humans, experiment # 8001 is an example of convergent evolution with human. Convergent evolution implies that two different species are developing on the same manner in the course of evolution, without they are as separate species closely related to each other.:doesn't fit in with the flow of the story. So physically people are clumsy compared with monkeys, so experiment # 8001 is similarly physically clumsy compared to other dragon species. Both men and experiment depend on their intelligence and technical long distance services. : Sounds off. It's clunky.
When men only just the utility of what you had discovered fire, dragons had already their big towns, complex networks, technology, art, culture and education for many centuries.: "When humans had discovered fire, dragons had already developed big towns, complex networks, technology, art, culture and education."
That's not strange, because dragons has got the fire in themselves, so they discover also much more early what you can with fire, than humans. The most towns from the dragons are hidden in caves in the mountains. Nelis is from the specie experiment # 8001.: Too clunky once again.
Thank you :D
I have made it now shorter and more clear, I hope so.
The first paragraph is now edited:
The experiment is under the dragon species the most similar to the humans. Not in it’s appearance, but in it’s intelligence. This dragon specie is even much early civilized than the humans. When humans had discovered fire, dragons had already developed big towns, complex networks, technology, art, culture and education. That's not strange, because dragons has got the fire in themselves, so they discover also much more early what you can with fire, than humans. The most towns from the dragons are hidden in caves in the mountains. Nelis is from the specie experiment # 8001.
The experiment is under the dragon species the most similar to the humans.: under the dragon species makes no sense "the dragon species that shares the most similarities with humans" is a possible edit.
Not in it’s appearance, but in it’s intelligence. : Good!
This dragon specie is even much early civilized than the humans. When humans had discovered fire, dragons had already developed big towns, complex networks, technology, art, culture and education. : specie is replaced with species. "This dragon species had become civilized much earlier than humans had. " is a possible edit.
That's not strange, because dragons has got the fire in themselves, so they discover also much more early what you can with fire, than humans.: ""
The most towns from the dragons are hidden in caves in the mountains.: Possible edit: "Most towns built by dragons are hidden in caves in the mountains."
Nelis is from the specie experiment # 8001.: add an s to specie at the end
It's improved again. :D first paragraph:
The experiment is the dragon species that shares the most similarities with humans. Not in it’s appearance, but in it’s intelligence. This dragon species had become civilized much earlier than humans had. When humans had discovered fire, dragons had already developed big towns, complex networks, technology, art, culture and education. That's not strange, because dragons has got the fire in themselves, so they discover also much more early what you can with fire, than humans. Most towns built by dragons are hidden in caves in the mountains. Nelis is from the species experiment # 8001.
Sorry, I'm an idiot. I forgot to edit this sentence"That's not strange, because dragons has got the fire in themselves, so they discover also much more early what you can with fire, than humans."
Possible Edit: "Dragons have fire within themselves, so they discover what you can do with fire much earlier than humans."
It's no problem. :)
PARAGRAPH 2:
When people still survived like nomads, hunter and gatherer, Nelis was at school.: Add a s to the words hunter and gatherer
He had other worries than surviving in nature, because he has always lost his sharpener!: I don't really get this part. Is it a joke that while humans were struggling to survive in nature his only worries were about losing his pencil?
Not particular meant as joke.
It shows how modern life of a dragon is compared to men, in prehistoric times. Nelis is here still a school boy.
Ah, so your emphasizing the point how much more advanced dragons are in comparison to people?
If that's it, here's a possible edit: Unlike people, he had other worries than surviving against the brutal forces of nature. He always lost his pencil sharpener!
If you don't like the possible edits, feel free to change it however you want :) A bit off topic, but how did Turquoise's story looked revised?
That's correct.
If I suppose a sentence could be more fancy I'll let you know, but as far, I'm only happy with your suggestions. I'm glad if the story is at least understandable. My English is pretty straight with often mistakes.
I'm glad you like them!I'll refer to possible edits as PE now. It's more convenient.
PARAGRAPH 3:
He is a dragon and a pacifist.: Why did you state he is a dragon? Hasn't that fact already been established? The pacifist part is good.
He hates to spit fire and he dislikes also make terror: PE "He hates to release the fire that all dragons posses within themselves and especially loathes being the cause of terror among humans."
His passion is to write fairy tales: PE "What he loves though, is to create fairy tales. "
Thanks.
The third paragraph is now:
He hates to release the fire that all dragons posses within themselves and especially loathes being the cause of terror among humans other dragons and all other living creatures. What he loves though, is to create fairy tales.
By the way, what means PE?
PE refers to possible edits. It's more convenient for me to type :)
humans other dragons and all other living creatures: Put commas between the objects
Like this: "humans,other dragons, and all other living creatures
PARAGRAPH 4:
It is too much for everything he has written in his books, put down here completely. But some events from his life how he invented some monsters in his fairy tales, can be mentioned. (You broke the 4th wall)
PE:" His supply of fairy tales so abundant, that no one can truly recount everything he has ever written. The monsters in his fairy tales though, were invented by some specific events in his life."
It's a beautiful sentence, but I'm not sure if this really explain what I meant.
I have made this:
His supply of fairy tales so abundant, that it is just too much to tell his entire oeuvre on this pet page. The monsters in his fairy tales though, were invented by some specific events in his life.
Ah, I edited it so it won't seem as if you are breaking the 4th wall. If you prefer it that way though, definitely keep your edit. The only thing I would do is get rid of the last sentence, as I believe it is better for the readers to figure that out as they go.
,
Awww yeah I always explain too much. You have got right. I have removed it in the my post above an on his pet page too.
PARAGRAPH 5:
PE; Once, when visiting an abandoned cave with a group of his classmates, he had the fright of his life. In the darkest corner, there loomed a figure. It was as if the shadows casting onto the dark corner had somehow morphed into a ominous figure. Fortunately, everyone could escape the potential threat. With the membranes at his side, he floated to the valley with his classmates, where it was safe and bright, away from any possible danger. His ears and membranes to his feet served as a rudder and aid to float. Unfortunately, the group got a good scolding and a harsh punishment. Nelis heard from his teacher this creature lurking around could be a dragon slayer. Most dragons that are slain by a dragon slayer, are careless young dragons and reckless, wanton travelers. His attention broke when his teacher announced the punishment. He and his schoolmates must write this sentence for 1500 times. "I'm not allowed to be so irresponsible to visit abandoned caves and take myself and my schoolmates into danger." Nelis began to grow tired and instead of continuing to write the punishment rule, he started to write a story. His teacher wasn't amused and increased his punishment to 1600.
In any case, this event with the dragon slayer inspired the teenage Nelis to invent stories where death gained human like qualities and a prominent role in horror. The title was "Night of Horrors". "Once upon a time, there was a scary old harvester that lived in an abandoned mansion on the top of a hill... He was extremely sassy and he had a huge ego..." This was the fist book in history where harvesters been linked to the death, because this dragon slayer had wore a nightmare harvester cloak. Not only did dragons read this book, people also enjoyed Nelis's horror story. Everybody who had heard about Saggitarius, the legendary dragon slayer, and had read Nelis's book, linked Saggitarius to the death, due to wearing a cloak that resembled a nightmare harvester. Everybody became terrified of him and isolated him from society. So Saggitarius personally seeked out Nelis to beg him to write no more stories about death that could be linked to him. Nelis made a deal that he would write no more stories about him as death but in return, Saggitarius must promise to not slay dragons any longer and give Nelis his cloak. In this way, Nelis had tamed the dragon slayer. It was quite ironic, as for Sagittarius it was a major defeat, but Nelis did not even intend to write about him personally.
PARAGRAPH 6:
PE: Nelis had become famous in the history of dragons. He was the only dragon who had ever defeated Saggitarius. The whole dragon society was shocked when Nelis refused to attend military service. It didn't make sense that their hero didn't want to serve his society. Nelis said he had never fought or used violence. His only weapon was his skill to write fairy tales and to use symbolism. It was as simple as that. He really despised all acts of violence
In paragraph 5 I've made this sentence.
In the darkest corner, there loomed a figure. It was as if a phantom of shadows onto the dark corner had transformed themselves into a solid ominous figure.
Instead of:
In paragraph six I have omitted this sentence.