I spent $5 on the box, nothing on carpet and wallpaper, and spent $40 total at Hobby Lobby for a bedroom set in 1:12 scale, (bed, nightstand, dresser, wardrobe, mirror, pillows,) and a lamp, the power strip, and the transformer that plugs into the wall. I didn't order online though, it was in-store and they had a sale. The links I show you are kinda like what I bought but I couldn't find the exact item for some of them. Just wanted to show you. But I will show you pics of the box house soon!

I got Scribblenauts Unmasked: (DC Adventure) for my birthday from my boyfriend which is weird, but a fun game. I played it quite a bit when I first got it. Mom bought me Pokemon Black 2 a while back and I haven't played it hardly at all. So I figured I should play that and try to beat it before getting X or Y. Buying a new version can wait. Have you played it? What games have you been renting?

I was also considering getting some new expansion packs for The Sims 3 with my birthday money but those drop in price fast. I'll wait on those too. I have a few brand new DS/3DS games that I never played. But I know I will. (I still play my original Gameboy/Gameboy Color/Gameboy Advance Games.) It's hard to go back and play old games when you're super-excited about a new one, like Animal Crossing, and even then, sometimes school overrides it all. But I'll get to it.

[spoiler=Trigger Warning]I just remembered how many games I have, and how I rarely have enough time for one of them, more or less all of them. Some games are easy to pick up and play for an hour or less. No worries if you forget about it for a while. Some games you can play, beat, and trade in. I feel bad, and sometimes I wonder if I would ever replay it, but I know I wouldn't. And then there are games that go NOWHERE if you don't invest time in them, like Harvest Moon and Animal Crossing. Those games that make me feel like I can only have one copy of any game in the franchise, because it starts to feel like work to keep my Animal Crossing town happy and weed-free, and I can't imagine doing it for multiple versions. And with Harvest Moon, time doesn't go on without me, but it takes several hours just to progress a week in the game and you are meant to go on for years and experience the seasons.

Now I am bummed out. I used to love playing my DS, it was a comfort to me for so long, but now I feel stressed. I have 50+ DS games and not all of them are time-intensive, (some are puzzle games, or flash games ported to the DS that I would get bored with in 20 minutes,) and I'm sure quite a few I can beat and trade in, (or have already finished,) but if I don't have enough time to play one game now, or at least not for long, when will I have time for any of those games again? I was sitting here thinking of getting NEW games and while this post took me an hour to type (I was also doing other stuff,) I came to the conclusion by the end of the post that I won't ever have time to play all the games I already own. Or do anything fun ever again. Which is not true of course. But depression + school = irrational thought process. Don't think that was your fault or anything. I'm sorry I turned a discussion about video games into a discussion about me. My mom was right, I am negative.

Might be why I feel guilty when I am playing video games, or doing anything else I enjoy like reading or art or Subeta, since I feel like I "should" be doing homework. I don't do the things I enjoy as often as I used to, and when I do, they're not even enjoyable. Then it's hard to break up the days. They blur together. Some are as short as 5 hours or so, but some days are longer. It can go by excruciatingly slowly while I work. Sometimes I get a lot done, sometimes not so much. Or the day can pass crazy fast; like I blink and the day is over, and I can't remember what I was doing all day. Except I remember being tense and anxious; not in a panic attack way, but a general anxiety way; low but constant. And I'm so jittery and anxious that I can't focus and I am mad at the end of the day for doing nothing. Not even anything fun, which would have been nice if I was wasting my day anyway. But sometimes my day is a nothing day. Not remembering time passing, just that I blinked and it was over. I think I stare at the wall sometimes. For hours. I don't know what else it could be.

But you're right that college and all the other things I need to do eventually, I don't have to do or worry about NOW. That will just make now harder. I'm so close to getting my high school diploma and I need to remember that. I can't fail now...

Add me as a friend! Friend Code: 5472 - 6910 - 6300

I don't have any friends on my 3DS yet, actually.

He wanted to check the level of my meds, because they are new. But it is the amount in the bloodstream they monitor, not the amount of meds taken. It is different for everyone. Some need less, and are getting higher levels. And it changes. So I got my blood drawn this week, but he asked us to get it done 2 weeks ago, and now it will be months until I can see him.

The good news is I am with group health, and from the website, I can send him a message. He can look at my test results, and decided to up or lower meds if we converse over e-mail, or I can call him. But either way, I can check in with him and all my doctors between visits, and I have to wait one business day for a reply, but there is also 24/7 consulting nurse hotline. They have access to my records and I can talk to them at any hour for free. But there is no guarantee that the doctor would be willing to change anything without seeing me recently. I saw him about a week ago, but it got so very bad in the weeks before, that my mom thought I should be hospitalized. She thought it couldn't wait.

I don't want that again. I think it made things worse, since they switched my meds there, and I was traumatized by it. She says I left too soon, by which she means she was not happy that they released me after a week. It's not like I could have "left;" you can't just walk out of the psych ward.

I wish it was it was as easy as drinking bottled happiness. (Thanks for sending me some, though! <3) But I think when I am wrapped up in my own issues it's hard to see clearly enough to realize I can advocate for myself and that I can call or message my doctor at anytime. So thanks for bringing up the question, I'll see what they can do to help!

All right, well... on the last day, like LITERALLY the LAST day of the semester, we were playing Badminton. I really liked that game, since it was fun to me. The teacher said to pick a partner and play in teams. There was an EVEN number on kids and I didn't have a partner. HMMM... there was a team of three and the teacher allowed it. The girl that I had at least talked to, since she liked anime and stuff, had someone else. I was... fucking broken then. I just went into the girls locker room and cried in the bathroom stall. I was forced to play with the substitute teacher after I was found.

I'm hoping I can make a cool HA with them!

I'm sorry you had such a bad PE experience. I would have been your friend. I only had one then. My only friend, my best friend, we only had each other. But we were lucky to be in all the same classes in middle school. So we always paired up. I remember ping pong best, since we didn't give a rat's ass about sports, we would hit it as high as we could. Almost hit the ceiling of the gym once, like 20 feet high. Sometime's I would "accidentally" shoot the ping pong ball past my best friend and hit the bitchy blonde girl in the back of the head. But since the Gym teachers thought we were actually trying to play the game and just sucked at it (we tried not to giggle) and grades were mostly participation based, we passed BARELY. I did pretty well indoors. When they tested us for speed, I was faster than everyone there, but I was also under 100 pounds and must have been aerodynamic. But try getting a girl who weighs so little, and was starting to fall ill from it, to do a pull-up. Or a push up. When it came to strength tests, I collapsed and everyone was watching. But only 2 people in the class could do pull-ups, both boys, so I felt better. But I hated when we had to run miles outside. I was speedy, but had no stamina, and got cold out there. We had to wear gym shorts and tank tops all year, and they didn't have any small enough for me, so they just pulled the drawstrings tight and knotted them, and I tried not to trip on the strings. They would run us until some people threw up, and I couldn't breathe. I told them I had asthma, but they said they "hear that excuse all the time." Or if I was telling the truth to "bring a doctor's note and inhaler, you can go use it after class."

I'm here for you, though. <3 Always. And sometimes it's hard not to hate yourself. I know. But trust me, you're the only one who does.

It's kind-of a long story. Basically, it's the last year I can legally enroll in a public high school. You have to be under 21, and I turned 20 in October. I'll turn 21 next fall, so I can't enroll again. I have to finish before the year ends. If I can't finish soon, I'll have to try for a GED instead of getting my high school diploma. There is a Plan B: We can pay $150 per course over the summer before I turn 21 next fall, but I am so close to being done now, and that's a lot of cash. And I want to be done so badly. I want this to end.

In the meanwhile, I started to have severe mood swings and panic attacks. It was only at it's worse for 2 days, but I felt like I was going crazy. My meds stopped working. Completely. So I had to rely on coping skills (deep breathing, visualization, etc.) to get through the day. I stayed at home, and didn't turn on my computer. I spent both days just keeping myself level, calm and centered. I didn't do anything else; I forgot to eat, I didn't create any art or play any games. Every ounce of my being went into maintaining control of myself. Otherwise, the panic or mood swings would take over momentarily and I felt like a women possessed. The actions and words weren't mine. I was terrified. So I maintained control, I worked so hard, and I was so exhausted, that I didn't work on school either of those two days. I only had two extra days to spare, so now I couldn't take any extra time off.

Luckily, I have good insurance with Group Health and messaged my Psychiatrist on the first day, and got a response and solution by the end of the second day. He adjusted my meds after we messaged back and forth and I got an adjustment in 2 days instead of having to wait 2 months to get in to see him. He was only willing to do it over messaging, I think, because I got my blood drawn at the Group Health lab down the street so he could see the results online, and I had seen him pretty recently. They don't change your meds if you don't go in often. You need check-ups and adjustments just like with any other condition. He raised/lowered the meds I already had at home and then changed the prescription so the pharmacy would refill the correct amount in the future. Since I already had the pills, I could start right away. After I began the new plan, I started to feel like myself again and cracked down on the coursework.

Then just days later I had a fever of 101 and rising. I have a bad flu now, and I missed 3 days of school because of it. That puts me pretty far behind. Today is Saturday, and the fever started on Wednesday. For all of Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, I felt too sick to work. I was miserable. All I did was play my 3DS. (Pokemon X!) Which was fun, and I haven't allowed myself the time for "luxuries" like games in a while. At least as far as my time is concerned, games are a luxury. I feel like I don't had time for anything. I'm behind in my courses, and I feel like I have no free time for Subeta or games. And if I actually do have time, I feel guilty playing games or logging into Subeta; like I should be doing school instead, even if I am on track. But I'm definitely not on track now. I missed 2 days because of mental health and 3 for physical health, and today will be 1 more day down if I don't start working soon.

To make matters worse, my boyfriend James is enrolled in University and he is so busy with his courses, just like I am, that we don't get to talk every day, and I don't get to see him every week. It kills me because we are in the same town, so close, but so far. I would be able to text him if my cellphone didn't die a few months ago. So I have to actually call him and our conversations gradually went down from daily 1 and 1/2 hours to 15-30 minutes every other day. I miss him, and he keeps me strong, and encourages me, and gives me hope. I start feeling lost without him.

Speaking of the cell phone that died, I was eligible for my 2-year upgrade today and could have gone to go get a new smartphone today. James has more time to text than to talk, so I was looking forward to it. Mom said we had to leave by 10AM at the latest and I slept until 1PM. I asked why she didn't wake me, and she said she did and I told her I needed more sleep, which I don't remember. I told her not to trust what I say when I'm asleep. I lie when I'm asleep. I don't remember what I say, and I will (apparently) tell people to go away and let me sleep.

Then my brand new, expensive computer, the one I got after coffee was poured on the old one, stopped working. It wouldn't turn on. Took hours with customer service to get it to work but I was already bawling. I was afraid of failing; how can I work online without a computer? And I felt guilty, like I broke it, especially since the money for the computer came from the trust fund my great grandma Myrtle left me for school supplies, college tuition, etc and anything to further education, at least until I turn 21. Then I get control of the funds. But I felt like shit when it stopped working, but now it is working and the day is pretty much over, I still have to work, I have the flu, and no cell phone, and I miss James...

I'm trying to get some work done today. I have to. I don't want to fail. I just can't handle going through 15+ years of school and fail because I'm too old to keep on keeping on. I'll literally have reached my expiration date, and can't continue legally in the public school system. I feel like such a failure. A waste. A disappointment. But maybe I'm having a bad day.

I'm just checking into Subeta, because it feels like I do it maybe once a week now and I miss all you guys.