I'm not sure what else to say, but let me know if you want to talk more about anything, ever. I'm here if you need an ear. Right now, however, I'm about to go to bed as I've been awake all night, as usual, and it's nearly 10 AM. I hope your morning is going well!! :)

I know you're probably asleep but dating sucks

Hi Becca, I didn't sleep much yesterday and when you posted me I had been online a very short time a bit earlier, and then I was back in bed resting when you pinged.

Yes, I agree hon, dating really does suck. And I'm sorry that you sound so sad. ❤ Men can be such idiots and I have no shortage of stories (which I won't bore you with) about some of the really awful boyfriends I've had in my life (and girlfriends which were not any better for the most part). I had some idea that dating a woman would be a more connecting experience, but honestly, the women I was involved with during my 30's and 40's were mostly narcissistic bitches. Most of the men have been little boys who want their toys and have NO clue how to truly love and cherish a woman.

The two men in my life who cherished me more than any others were Joe, who was my 2nd husband and died nearly 3 yrs ago...and Fred, who I divorced after nearly 10 yrs--and he died in 2012 too, but I hadn't seen him in yrs. He cared for me very much but that didn't mean that he wasn't a little boy who was self centered. Joseph wasn't like that, but in the end he drank himself to death which is pretty selfish. I can't fault him, he had a very very hard life and a lot of rejections, abandonment and abuse as a child and even as an adult (before I met him)

So, enough about me. If you want to talk to me (about ANYTHING) I am here. I may not be here when you're here, but I am usually here everyday and nothing is TMI. I'm very open minded and I've been around the block. I'm not a stuffy old woman. I'm a pretty cool person in terms of my ways of thinking. I'm just old in my body because it's not a healthy one.

If you prefer to talk more privately send me an sMail. I am more inclined to answer within 24 hrs if you post me here and it usually takes me a bit longer to respond to letters, but I am truly sincere in that I am here if you need/want to talk, about anything. I have no children and I'm alone all the time. It's always nice to have someone online who wants to talk.

Both of my two closest friends here (who are very close to you in age) have been MIA for various reasons, so I've been a bit lonely.

So, I know that presents can't heal our pain, and if you're sad about something I know I can't fix it, but I can listen and I can advise, but only if you ask for advice. Otherwise I just listen and try to be supportive. But in the mean time, I took a look at your WL and sort of went wild. I didn't remember that you'd only been playing 6 months. Also a LOT of the things I got were either inexpensive or things I had in my hoard, so even though I'm about to shower you, I hope you won't feel ill at ease. I love to buy presents and I didn't go nutty with things that cost millions, but I did get quite a few things. I hope you'll enjoy the gifts and won't feel funny about it. I don't need anything and have no expectations for reciprocation. I have a LOT of stuff on my WL but most of it is JUST to remind me of things I want to get myself.

Everyone likes gifts, and I do too, but it's different when you get older. Also I'm not sure I'm going to be able to wrap all of them tonight, it's after 5 AM and I'm very tired again. When I get into someone's WL it takes me hours because I also buy some things for myself. Wishlists are great sources of info and have many surprises of things I've never heard of...like a treasure map! :)

I hope that the gifts cheer you up a little and take your time opening them ...there's no rush. They are quite a hodgepodge. I wanted to say, also, that your profile says you're a book hoarder (is that in real life?) cause I didn't see a category for books on your WL. If you want to collect books here, start thinking about a WL category. I'm a huge book nut and Christmas is just around the corner, so you may get some of the books you've been wanting. I know that you probably haven't been playing long enough to know exactly what's available, but OMG there are SO many books here!! :) I certainly hope that my post is not over the character limit!

Well, I'm now off to the arctic to wrap some gifts, lol!! :)

You are wonderful thank you so much. I've actually been playing on Subeta on and off since maybe '07 or '08. But they've closed my old accounts for being inactive. Again you are amazing. And I love talking to you :) You understand a lot of what I'm going through

You are SO welcome, Becca. I'm glad I could help and that you enjoyed your gifts. I DO like to try to do things to help and give to others, and I'm very glad you feel understood. I really try. And thank you for the compliments, that means a LOT to me!!

Did you want to elaborate upon what it is that you're going through, exactly. I know that you're a woman of few words, but as I said, I'm here if you want to talk more. I'm actually going to bed now, at 3 AM. The last two days I haven't had enough sleep for one day and I exhausted myself (after only 2 hrs of sleep) by taking a bath/shower, which is exactly that...both bathing AND showering. My hair was really dirty. It's a good thing I don't have oily skin. It's very dry all over, including my hair. But I get depressed and tired and go too long w/out showering so this was a major effort. I'm surprised that I got out of bed (after collapsing for a few hrs) and came back to the comp around 11 PM, such an addiction. Of course I've been falling asleep on and off the entire time.

I had another account as well, for 3 entire yrs, but I didn't let it go, and that is another sad story, ugh.

So do you want to talk to me about what happened? I assume something with your boyfriend. I had a pretty bad experience with my first love when I was just 19. It had such an impact on me that it took me years to realize how much it was. Basically we were each others' "firsts" and I loved him VERY much. We'd only been together about 8 months and he told me that he thought we should "see other people" since he was transferring to another University. We were still a couple, but it was "open" and no longer monogamous, and I just accepted that like a "deer in the headlights" and didn't say how I felt. (I guess I didn't want to scare him away, but I thought we would be each other's one and only forever, get married, etc).

The funny part is that he was WAY too busy to date anyone else, and I don't know that he ever did, and I wasn't a serious student in college so I fell into a bit too much drinking (it was legal at age 18 back then) and I got a bit wild for about a year. I really think he broke my heart. But I was in too much shock to realize it until MANY years later.

The truth was that he just wanted a woman who was different than I am...less outspoken, more petite. The petite part was a big deal when I was young. I'm almost 5 ft 8 inches and even when I'm very thin I weigh 140 and have LARGE bones, I look thin at 160. A lot of guys from my generation (back then) were very shallow about wanting tiny women, so they'd feel more manly.

When I got much older I discovered that men in their 40's can really dig a "real woman" with all the curves and big bones. But when I was young it made me feel as if I were ugly, and how sad. When I look at photos of myself back then I was SO much prettier than I EVER imagined at the time. I always felt like an awkward oddball. And it was made worse because my OLDER sister is very tiny and everyone in my family always "made over" her (the aunts, uncles and cousins) cause she was the first born granddaughter and oldest cousin that they all looked up to as if she were a goddess.

She was (and still is) a bossy bitch. Has never been nice to ME. I'm the dork of the family, and also the doormat. I used to do SO much for everyone else and got no thanks. I just got walked on a LOT. Well enough of me. I DO need to go to sleep (at least try)

I hope you'll write more (if you feel like it) and let me know how you're doing!! ❤

I get the same way about the showers when depressed and tired. Same if I'm wearing my pjs allll day.

We broke up because he works 3 jobs and goes to school. I hadn't seen him in two weeks and I couldn't do it since he didn't know the next time he could see me. Thankfully I made a new friend this week.

I appreciate the acknowledgement of my "shower issues," and I spend most of my days in lounging sort of pajama clothes, since most of my "real" clothes don't fit anymore.

Sorry to hear about your breakup. It sounds as if YOU made the decision since you felt you were worth more than someone who has no time for you, am I right?

I've been there too. I've broken up with more than one guy who just didn't have time for me. If school, work and his family ALL come before me then why I am in it? I don't think I realized it (as much as I do now) when I was young that men like that (in my opinion) were keeping me around for their convenience, and basically only for ONE reason. I think you know what I mean. I'm not assuming that was the issue with you, but I wouldn't be surprised. Men truly are little boys. They don't think it's important to address a woman's emotional needs. They make fun of that as if it's truly invalid. But if they don't get all the sex they want they judge us and talk about us (among themselves) as if we're frigid bitches.

They never seem to understand that if they'd learn to be grown up and treat us as if we were truly cherished for something more than sex that we would feel much more interested. I was never a prude, but the older I got the less interested I was in empty sex. Most guys don't seem to care how empty it is, as long as they get it. I hope I'm not being too brash!!

Glad to hear you made a new friend. Do you go to school or have a job?

I was the one to make the decision. I'm proud of myself for that. I did really like him but not seeing him was not worth it.

I have a job at the library in town

I thought, from the way you worded it in your other post that you made the decision. I believe you deserve to feel VERY proud of yourself for that. It's not easy to do and it truly shows me something about who you are. So many women put up with getting scraps from men. I also think it was very mature and unusual for a 20 yr old. Good for you!!! :) ...and I know how it feels when you really like someone but you have to put yourself first.

When I was 33 I left a marriage of almost 10 yrs and it was very painful and sad. I truly loved him, but he was very caught up in a lot of activities that didn't involve me, and one that I partially enjoyed. He loved to act in community theatre and I enjoyed going to see them rehearse about once a week toward the end when it was all coming together. I loved seeing the plays. But he was SO into fantasy and not much reality. He had two children who he spent almost NO time with. By the time we divorced they were 18 and 19.

We had been thinking of trying to get pregnant with alternate insemination, since he'd had a vasectomy with his first wife. Then I realized how un-involved he was with the two children he had and I didn't want to have kids with him. There were a LOT more reasons, but mainly we weren't growing in the same direction.

He and his 3rd wife adopted a child who was about the same age as his granddaughter (his wife was only a bit older than his daughter) and I think he might have finally found some time in his life for that child. She had an old father but he didn't take care of his health (another reason I wasn't interested in growing old with him) so 2 years ago when he was only 70 he died from lung cancer and his adopted daughter was only 17. I thought that was sad.

Do you like working at the library? Your profile says you're a book hoarder, I think. Is that in real life AND here as well? I used to read a LOT but I spent SO many years reading for educational purposes (both formally in school as well as just self improvement) that nowadays the only reading I do is when I'm interested in something or someone and I look up some info on them online. I didn't "play" much as a teen, so I'm enjoying that now. I had a LOT of responsibilities when I was a teenager and it wasn't really fair, but that's life.

Do you live with your family? Do you have brothers and sisters?

Lately I've found the library kinda boring. I see the same patrons every day and all I'm doing is shelving books. It gets monotonous. And, yes, I'm a book hoarder. I have Two bookcases, the space above my desk and a whole box full of books.

I do live with my family. The library doesn't pay enough to live on my own yet. Besides I'm staring to save up for a car first. I have a brother who is 17 and diagnosed with aspergers. He is really sweet and I care about him a lot.

It totally makes sense to save up for a car, and I hope you're able to do that. I know that if I had not been practically forced to go to University I would have been living at home when I was 20. I really wasn't in a hurry to leave. I have a brother who is 6 years younger who I still adore and I would have loved to stay home, but my mom made it VERY clear that I was to leave home and go to college when I was JUST out of HS, at age 18.

She made a HUGE deal of it, even though my parents had NO money so I had to figure that out on my own. And I did meet good friends (and I had fun since I was NOT the serious student that I had been before) but I would have benefited from a year at home first. But I had NO job skills. I couldn't even type then. I learned to type at age 40. So I'm not sure what I'd have done, the town I lived in was tiny, not too many jobs.

I wasn't going to waitress, it's too hard, and noisy and I don't do well in fast paced environments like that. The library would have been the only thing I knew how to do--we learned Dewey decimal system in 7th grade, so I could have shelved books, but you're right, it would have been quite boring.

Anyway it was a small town and they only employed one other person, besides the main librarian. She always hired a HS student age 16 or 17 who was going to leave for college since they could pay underage kids a LOT less in those days if they worked where there were fewer than 10 employees. I was paid 1.10/hr in a drugstore where the adults got a minimum wage of 1.80 in 1972. That was a horrible job with horrible pay.

I can totally understand wanting to be with your brother. You're probably one of the few ppl who truly understand him (other than maybe your folks, if they're not too busy) but since he's closer to your age than your parents you are probably the person in his life he's closest to. I know that many ppl don't understand Asbergers at ALL. Usually ppl who have it are MORE intelligent than normal, but ignorant people sometimes pick on them and call them names and have NO clue that they're generally very smart. I'll bet you're a great older sister!!!

Do you know what you'd like to do beyond working at a library? I know that many ppl at 20 have NO clue, so I almost hate to ask, since the only thing I EVER wanted was to be a mom, but ppl were always bugging me about career choices. As it turned out, I never had a real career and never had children...though I DID finally get that University degree when I was 35, lol!!

I dropped out a lot and at one time I was away for eight years, I was happy to get married so I had an excuse to not go to school anymore. I never enjoyed the academic aspect of it til I was 32 and I went back. And I only did it then because I was in another job I hated, even though it paid very well, and my husband was finally making enough money to allow me to stop working.

Also, one of his two kids was out of HS so we had only half as much child support to pay,and we paid a LOT. He couldn't have paid it w/out my help. I never got any thanks for helping raise those kids and their mother was a friend of mine and my family for years (when we were kids) LONG before she married him. (and I didn't steal him from her, she left HIM) Oh well, such is life!!

My parents made me go to community college so I lived at home and went to school. But I only went for a year. I'm being paid state minimum which is 7.25 here and the regular minimum wage is 8.25. I could not imagine being paid that much.

Well it WAS a very low wage, and it was the 70's. Over the years if the wages had kept up with inflation you would be getting closer to 16 per hour now. Wages have gone up at a MUCH slower rate than the cost of living. When I got that wage we could buy a pair of jeans for 5 dollars, a pound of hamburger for 29 cents and rent an apt for 200 dollars or less. So you can see that wages should be MUCH higher now in comparison to how much more everything costs. You could also buy a brand new car for 5000 or so, and a fairly decent used one for 300. Now if you spend a 1000 on a used car it is usually falling apart and very old and ends up needing a LOT of repair. All used cars end up needing a lot of repair, I've had much experience with that, which is why I'll probably never buy another car, not by myself anyway...I'd have to be in a relationship with someone and sharing the expenses.

Ugh, my back is out and I am probably not going to be able to sit here for more than a few minutes. Usually I can crack it right back to where it should be, but it's sort of frozen so I guess I have to rest more. I've already been sleeping all day, for over 10 hrs. It was MUCH worse before I slept so that's a good sign. I hope your weekend is OK, now that your situation has changed.

My deadline for buying a car is next fall because my brother will need a car to commute to school everyday. I don't want a used car but it's probably all I'm gonna be able to afford.

My back has been out and I'm in a LOT more pain than my usual everyday pain, which is bad enough...

I like your latest HA, I see you're wearing a 420 shirt. I like that they have the rainbow herbal items here.

What do you think of my HA?

Hi there, sorry I haven't been on in like... Forever... >.<

Hey how've you been?

Meh. I've been alright, Just on Hiatus for a while. I don't really come on her much anymore. I have no idea why.

But I got Married, (Not legally) Moved, And just hangin' out with friends I haven't seen in a while.

How about you?

That's cool. I've been having hard time with sleep but otherwise been hanging with friends.

Why have you been havin' some trouble sleepin'?