I was cheated on recently. I've heard so many stories of friends (or friends of friends) having been cheated on. I thought about it more and realised that most of the people I know have been cheated on at some point.

I'm starting to think that I'm never going to find someone who actually wants to be in a monogamous relationship and doesn't find it a chore. is this possible or is it something I should just stop hoping for? is there something wrong with me for not wanting to be poly?? I've thought a lot about this and I really do want to be with one person at a time because I feel that's the only way I could commit to someone fully, emotionally and time-wise, and I would want to be with someone who felt the same way.

I would honestly rather be single for the rest of my life than be cheated on again. should I prepare myself for this as the most likely scenario?

(I also want to qualify that I am not equating non-mono relationships with lack of commitment or trust. I know that if everyone involved is aware of and continually consents to what's going on, it's healthy. I'm just starting to think that a lot of people who are in mono relationships don't really want to be, and are just doing it because they think it's expected of them, which leads to discontent for everyone involved (and I could be completely wrong, so please let me know if you think that's the case). I'm just trying to gauge whether there are other people out there who would be genuinely happy in a mono relationship or if I'm in a vast minority, and I wanted to ask a forum because I wanted to hear some personal opinions and because I'm tired of wading through scientific journals and questioning the validity of the trials)

I want a mono relationship as well in my life. Same reasons you've listed as to the why too. People can claim we are "hard wired" to take on many partners, but i'm of the opinion we are just as able to carry on being with one person

the sad thing is most if the cheating now these days boils to the fact people are so easy to throw away things that aren't what they want (you truly can't control every aspect but know how to handle it) or get tough to figure out. So rather than talk they tend to just do an action they know will end the situation they are in.

I think people might. But people have certain standards and fact is that most people die alone.

I want a monogamous relationship as well, and am currently in one. My boyfriend and I are both the type not to like it when someone even looks at the other like they might be interested :p We both only want to be with the other, and don't want anyone else added to the equation. So no, I don't think you're part of a small group. Do I think monogamy is the norm? Certainly not. Monogamy really wasn't a thing until the beginning of Christianity. It was normal for one man to have one wife and many other women he was with, and even multiple wives. So, it mostly matters with what each individual person wants.

I always assumed most people wanted monogamy. That's why they call it "cheating." o.o

Yeah I'd much prefer a monogamous relationship, but I don't expect it since it's not generally the norm. It's a big part of why I don't want to get into a relationship. But it's not just the fear of being cheated on, but the fear itself since people tend to go crazy with their insecurities when they're in love and I'm afraid of turning into a bitch :c

The general need to be in a relationship (or to receive affection) is a curse to me. I wish I had no feelings of loneliness or romantic longing -- it's a terrible thing, I think. It'd be great if we could be alone and be fine with it, all the time.

yeah, I wish people could just be honest and straightforward. dying alone is starting to look pretty good =/ the fact that you and your boyfriend both want monogamy is actually hugely encouraging =) and yeah, norms for relationships seem to vary a lot across societies, which pretty much just makes me more confused and discouraged. I absolutely agree. ugh. I would love to be aromantic and asexual. LOVE IT. (not discounting the issues of erasure and discrimination those groups face) it's strange and awful to long for a relationship but dislike most people at the same time.

- I have some friends who are in perfectly health poly relationships and mono relationships, and people who are ok with both. I was even asked to enter into a poly relationship by someone who said they were in love with me, and I said I didn't love them back in that way, and they shrugged it off and was like, that's ok, I'm still happy in the relationship I have. I think it comes down to trust, like the Savage Garden lyrics "I believe that trust is more important than monogomy". Not to say that you can't have monogomy, but that you have to trust whomever you are with, and if they are going to 'cheat' on you, then you don't have that trust.

Also, on the other side of the scale things aren't that nice and uncomplicated either. I mostly identify as asexual, and I see my friends getting married, and living together with their spouses, always having someone to tell their troubles to, and frankly I'm jealous. I've been told that I could have pretty much any guy I wanted, IF I wanted, but I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm loved, but cannot give the same love in return.

I think it's worth noting that cheating is NOT the same as being polyamorous. People cheat for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes it's a semi-accidental thing (Developing a bond with another person on accident, then cheating not on accident), sometimes it's out of spite or control issues, and sometimes it's because a person wants to be poly and wants more than one partner, but doesn't know how to tell their primary partner that. Monogamous people in monogamous relationships cheat. Polyamorous people in polyamorous relationships cheat too. Cheating is when you pursue a romantic or sexual relationship with someone else without your partner(s) knowing, not when you have more than one partner. :)

That being said… I'm so sorry you were cheated on. That's a shitty thing to do, or to have happen to you. I'm in a monogamous relationship right now, and I'm pretty happy. Both my boyfriend and I tend to be a bit jealous, so this works out best for us. I don't know if I could be polyamorous. The idea really appeals to me, but with my anxiety I would hate to be left out if my partners did something without me, even if they weren't trying to exclude me. :(

Maybe if you found yourself interested in a relationship with someone, you could speak to them about what type of a relationship they were interested in first? It might be a little odd to do, but it could help further on down the road. Sometimes people don't entirely know what they want, so bringing it into the open and getting them to think about it and letting them know your standpoint could help. I'm sure you can find that perfect person, even if it doesnt seem like it right now. I wish you luck!

I full heartedly agree with your statement on cheating. Honestly it's up to the couple to define what a cheating action might be in the START of the relationship. One might think smootches mean nothing other than a greeting to a friend while the other can see a hug as too much. So talking about what does or does not bother you when you're dating is a big part of it. Some people are just open with friends and themselves and don't think about things when they are used to doing them and may also inadvertently have "cheated" in their partners eyes. This talk is something to take place no matter if you're poly or mono or any other status that might indicate a close passion bond to another person.

I told my guy all about what I KNOW bothers me and see as cheating and he told me his so we drew our lines together and kept it simple. Doesn't mean some of our issues (like becoming overly jealous) can't be worked on, it just means we know what not to do for our partners sake and the value we have in our relationship.

yep, trust is crucial. and I know a bit about what you mean, I'm not terribly interested in sex (I see it as a way of showing someone how much you love them and for me it's an extremely personal, private thing) and I'm always worried that I won't be able to be in a balanced relationship because of it. I tried to clarify in my initial post that I don't equate non-mono with cheating, sorry if that came across. good to hear that you're in a happy mono relationship! it encourages me to hear that they exist, haha. we actually did talk about it beforehand and while he was used to having friends with benefits, he assured me that being monogamous wouldn't be a problem. I even asked about it a few times later and he kept reassuring me about it. and I had told him that his continuous flirting made me uncomfortable but he just said that he couldn't help it. I think the problem wasn't with communication but more with him being an asshole, haha. thanks for the good wishes =)

In all honesty, I'm going to have to agree with that final statement. I'm glad you're out of that relationship so you can seek one that's better for you. :)

me too. thanks, it helps to hear that =)

Just to add my (very late) two cents, I'm in a polyamorus relationship, and the three of us are very happy, and the relationship is practically closed for the three of us. The point being, as long as everyone in the relationship is happy, and knows what's going on, it's healthy. I wouldn't worry about what's common or normal or anything too much, really, because the important thing is what makes you happy. I'm proud of you for getting out of an unhealthy relationship, and I know you'll find someone to be happy with! And don't worry about the sex thing making an unbalanced relationship. In our little triangle, one of our partners is asexual, and even when it was just him and myself, it was never an issue. That's key- finding someone who understands that and doesn't mind. Good luck moving forwards from a gross relationship, and I wish you all the best!

Aw, I'm sorry you had to go through that. :( There are definitely people out there who want monogamous relationships! I think it's just a bit harder to find them in today's hyper-sexualized world. And then there's all that bunk about how guys are wired to get with every girl they can which I don't think helps the issue. It may be fact that the urge is there, but we've all got all kinds of urges - but part of growing up is learning to control ourselves - so imo it's an incredibly lame excuse for cheating. But apparently there's a fair number of people that haven't figured that out. :/ But I digress.

It does sound like you're well out of that relationship though! Trust is such a major thing. Hopefully this will just open up the door to a better, healthier relationship for you!

thanks guys, it means a lot to hear encouragement =) it also means a lot to hear that other people don't think I'm expecting too much by wanting monogamy.

Don't worry! Lots of people want mono relationships. But a lot of this depends on how old you are... a lot of people want to fool around and not be serious when they are younger, but then may calm down when they're older and get more serious. For example, a friend of mine is dating a guy who used to be very promiscuous, actually did cheat on a few ex girlfriends... but he met her, and they just clicked and he got totally serious and now they've moved in together and talked about getting married. A lot of people just need to grow up a little before they can be very serious. I wouldn't worry.

thanks, that makes me feel better too =) yeah, I'm in my mid-20s and the guy I went out with was as well, so I figured he might have matured by then; sadly wasn't the case. (I hope everything continues to go well for your friend!)

I'm sorry you were cheated on. I had a boyfriend, one who begged me to go out with him. I decided to give him a chance and when I started to have feelings for him, he went and got another girl pregnant. My heart was so broken. It's a big reason why I don't want kids.

To answer your question, I personally want monogamy. I don't want kids but I want to be in a long term commited relationship.

My advice is to give yourself time and get glued back together. I took a long break from men and relationships after that one boyfriend. I'm still upset at what he did but I no longer foam at the month whenever someone talks about pregnancy and kids

- That's awful.

I want to stay in a mono relationship. I would be jealous if my boyfriend was sleeping with someone besides me and he would be really upset if I cheated on him. My boyfriend is really committed to our relationship and wants it to be just us two.