Hello, I just whipped up this pet story and I'm wondering if it's okay or is it too early in the morning for my brain to recognize how terrible it actually could be. LMAO.

But I am looking for some critique of course ❤️

Click

Please ping me (: I'm probably going to change the pet name as well ;x

So do you think I should add more details then? Or are you just curious haha

HM that is weird o:

I loved the pacing of the poem, it flowed well and read perfectly. It makes me curious to a lot of things mainly why's like Mary and leaves me wanting more. That last line was amazing as well.

I loved it! The pacing was good and the end was really creepy. It reminds me of a commercial I saw for a horror movie. Parents put their kid to sleep and as they walk out, you can see a doll across the hall in another room. Before the door closes, the doll gets up and runs across the hall so fast you can barely see it.

nnOh my god thank you!nn I think I saw something like that. nnYoo dolls are hella creepy. I love em and thank youuuunn❤️❤️

Nice job!

I'm always interested in the use of the second person. It appeared suddenly in the end of the poem. "You" drew my attention -- great use of second person to generate fear. I felt involved, and the threat of the doll became immediate for me. After the effect, it generated a lot of questions. What happened to the boy? Is he dead? Am I him? The world I was drawn into ended abruptly and left me confused.

The choice of the poetic form is interesting. The lyrical nature recalls Poe (Tell-tale Heart comes most easily to mind.) Strong rhythm fits with the clock theme. Why is time/the ticking clock important to your narrative? Does it create a sense of fear and immediacy? Are there deeper allusions/metaphors?

The challenge with poems is that they have to be extremely dense. A story can afford to be wordy, but poems can't spare word count to set up atmosphere. For examples of dense, creepy poetry, I would suggest Sylvia Plath. Her writing is highly personal and exceptionally dark.

The poem piqued my interest in your pet. The profile and treasures complement your narrative well. I hope this helped, and I'm looking forward to learning more about M. J.

Like everyone else has said, you really make use of the creepy factor. I like how the poem slowly builds up and gets creepier as you read along, and how the reader's attention is held throughout the whole thing. I'm excited to see if you make a profile for this pet.

creepy. personally i would make i few changes to the story to improve the flow. i'm sure the pet profile will look great when it's finished

Like what, exactly?

Tick tock, the bell chimes and the ___ shines red Tick tock, the world stirs and the moon rises Tick tock, the boy turns and the doll awakes Tick tock, the ticking quickens and the eyes open Tick tock, the time slows and silence falls Tick tock, here he comes Tick tock, don’t wake up Tick tock, don’t turn around Tick tock, he’s right behind you Tick tock, don’t look now Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, The sound is unnerving, the doll still moving, and the boy still sleeping Tick Tock The eyes shining red, the darkness its only friend, the boy its only enemy Tick One more step Tock And there it is Tick Too late to scream Tock You’re already dead.