i need to vent :(

ok ok i know there is a breakup vent thread directly underneath this and this is, essentially, about a breakup even though our whole "relationship" has been a farce. But I wanted to make my own thread because I'm verbose, I am about to type a novel, and I don't want to shove this into anyone else's thread.

but if you like drama and wanna hear me dish, you better strap the fvck in because boy do I have a story for you!

back in 2012 I was in a dark place, about to drop out of school due to health issues, and about to become homeless for the first time. this was when my chronic illness first presented and started giving me issues (I've been sick ever since, out of work for 5+ years, started using a cane at age 23). I was still trying to make new friends so I wouldn't be so lonely and had an OkCupid account. I wasn't really "dating" per se but I was meeting some people and hanging out. that's where I met Jake. I didn't want to date but he was super into me and a much cooler guy than I thought he would be, and I couldn't help it, he was cute. I was into it.

we dated for a couple of months at first, and he let me live with him for 2 weeks when I lost my housing, before I broke it off because I realized I was in such a dark headspace. this guy was relatively new to my life, I didn't want him to have to deal with all of my bad habits and health issues in a brand new relationship. he took it super well and we stayed friends, we chatted often and even hung out a few times before he moved across the country. eventually, so did I, but in the opposite direction. we chatted online every single day and eventually became really steadfast support for one another despite the distance.

life is strange and eventually I wound up moving back to the same place we both used to live, in the midwest. he had been desperate to get back ever since he had moved and realized he hated Florida. it just so happened that my friend and I up here could use a roommate and voila, Jake was able to move back to (almost) his hometown thanks to us.

he had been flirting with me again up to that point online, sending me gifts, he even flew up here to visit during the holidays once before he moved up and it was all very like, "yay we're reunited and we love each other!" But when he moved back he said, even though we'd be sharing a room etc, that he wanted to wait before determining what "we" were because he had just gotten out of a big relationship. Fine, sure, I don't care, take your time to heal.

we moved into a new apartment, had all kinds of hijinx and adventures, and continued to be the best of friends. we adopted two cats together, I helped him pick out and buy his first house, and we got a dog. He broke his arm in a big way and needed emergency surgery a couple of years ago and I was there for him for everything, my parents even made an emergency trip across state lines to come help clean and make food. we've been through a lot together, and he's been there for me through a lot of tough shit, too.

he's financially supported us on his own the whole time, which he makes more than enough money to do, and has always reassured me that I don't cost that much to support because I ask for very little (I basically just need food, and he's said himself, housing is no issue because this is space he's not using, anyway). I on the other hand, because I don't have an outside job, have done all of the housemaking. I take care of the pets, I monitor our expenses, I clean everything, do all the laundry, all the dishes, everything. I don't make any money and I don't have my own car.

our relationship as a 'couple' was always somewhat lacking this time around, but I was trying to give him time and space. we both have depression and medical issues and chronic pain, we both have sensory issues, I was trying to be understanding. we were never really intimate that often to begin with, and eventually we stopped hugging and kissing as well, after about a year/year and a half. he said it was because he doesn't like that kind of thing. now I know he just didn't like that kind of thing with me.

I've had a hard time telling what things he does because of his depression and what is just him being a giant man baby. For example, not knowing how to do the laundry, because until he moved in with me his mother was still doing his laundry for him. Yes, until he was 26. The dog has been a big point of contention because he's a mutt that turned out to be an Elkhound, a HUGE and notoriously behaviorally difficult breed. He's supposed to be the dog person, but I am the only one who has made an effort to train our dog at ALL, and he is very reactive and desperately needs it. He isn't safe to walk because he is so reactive, and I am the only one who does anything about it despite pleading with him to help for consistency's sake.

one thing we always argue about is who is taking the dog outside on Jake's days off from work. the dog was his idea, he insisted on getting THIS dog in particular, and he is the one who wanted a dog in the first place. I love him, but he was Jake's decision and he is Jake's dog. He thinks that on his day off, he should also be given a day off from any type of 'work' at home, and he shouldn't have to take the dog outside-- or that we should take turns and I should still be doing it half the time, even though the rest of the week I do it all the time, every time. really it just irks me that he doesn't want to take care of his own pet. Who feeds him? Me. Who trains him? Me. Who spends all day with him, training him, entertaining him, keeping him company, because I have no other choice? Me. Who gets down on their hands and knees and picks up an entire trash bag's worth of trash off the floor twice a week because Jake lets the dog play with literal garbage? ME. (Worth noting: the dog is almost 2 and has never been to the vet, is not fixed, has never had a bath or had his nails trimmed, he weighs about 70lbs and Jake encourages him to jump on people. He stepped on my neck the other day, that was fun. He constantly gives me bruises and abrasions just because he is So Big and So Much and I'm the only one that fucking tells him he can't play rough so he doesn't get it.)

yeah, I'm at home all the time bc I'm disabled, so I can do my work on my own time. it's necessary because otherwise I literally can't do it, my body is too weak and fragile, I have to go slow and be careful and do things a certain way so I don't hurt myself. which means I do stuff all day in little spurts. all day, every day. I am the only one who takes care of anything around the house. I think it's worth noting that this is a real job some people have, except even rich people give their live-in nannies a salary and some time off sometimes. I don't. he buys me things I need-- food, new underwear, contact solution. that's about it. I've asked him for extras a couple of times because he LIKES buying gifts for people, he does it all the time, even just for his coworkers. but I never ask him for anything I don't actually need.

I am very, very thankful for everything Jake has given me, and that I not only have housing, but the first stable housing I've had in years. but still, my whole day, my whole LIFE, has to revolve around what Jake is doing, how Jake feels. even though I'm home all the time, I don't really get any time off from being a homemaker or a dog mom. if Jake isn't here, I have no transportation, no way to get anywhere I might want/need to go, even stuff like doctor's appointments. (the bus system here is fucked, if I wanted to go to the library 1mile away it would take over an hour to get back home, and I can't walk or ride a bike most places.) so while I love my home and my pets and having my alone time, it often feels like a prison. the days that I want to get out of the house and do stuff I almost never can and I'm just stuck here, alone, catering to the whims of an extremely needy and enabled dog. I don't have any family in the state and my main friend has a full time job and four kids. I'm alone a lot of the time.

so it's been getting more and more tense as time goes on, as Jake became less affectionate, not exactly what I'd call distant, but withholding emotionally. he stopped being as supportive when I was upset. he stopped sharing how he felt with me. he never wanted to sit by me. he never wanted to touch, for any reason, it seemed like it grossed him out actually. i couldn't sit by him while we were eating because people chewing gives him anxiety. we never hung out anymore unless we were going to the store. he didn't want to watch TV or movies with me. notably, he had never introduced me to ANY of his friends. I wanted to meet them, some of them even seemed like I might get along with them really well, but he made it a point to not include me, as if I might embarrass him, and I have only ever met his mom once, too. he would start breaking promises, saying he'd help out around the house and do XYZ, and then never do it, just saying, "I meant to, I meant to." especially after he broke his arm his depression got way, way worse and I figured some of it was that, and whenever I prompted him, that's basically what he would say, just that his depression is worse.

my therapist pointed out to me that for the last year I've had naught but bad things to say about Jake. I come into my appointments and just go off about how much he's pissing me off. he used to be my rock, the fucking sane person I could talk to about what's going on and he would get it and agree with me, I would jump up out of my seat to greet him when he came home (until we got the dog, because then he only wanted the dog to greet him. and he didn't care for my hugs anymore.) but our friendship, as it were, just continued to drown in our stresses. the only thing we actually did together that denoted we were a couple was sleep in the same bed, without touching, no cuddling, nothing.

then last summer we had some Major Drama occur involving a different ex of mine who, i s2g, is also named Jake. I would love to delve into it here but it is actually such a fucking batshit wild motherfucking what the fuck that I'm just not gonna lmao. But suffice it to say, it led me to some stark realizations about how I felt in our 'relationship' and that we hadn't been happy for a while. we had The Talk and agreed that maybe we don't have the same ideas in our heads of what kind of relationship we thought we'd see ourselves in someday. He told me that even though he wanted nothing to do with me physically, he couldn't stand the thought of being in a poly relationship, seeking that physical validation from anyone else, because it 'made him feel inadequate.' (That's your problem bud, but ok.) with no way forward, we agreed that, although we love each other in our way, we don't want the same thing.

However, at the same time, we were like... Okay this isn't working but we also like our life a little bit, our pets, our house-- we rely on each other to make this work. He literally could not take care of this house if it wasn't for me. he wouldn't. He wouldn't be able to have a dog, or any of the cats, if I wasn't here to take care of them, and he knows that and will admit it. So although we knew we had an expiration date, I said, "okay, no reason to rush to the end, right?" And he agreed.

Okay, well, apparently that was us breaking up. Back in August. We continued to sleep in the same bed and made absolutely no changes to our daily lifestyle, our routine, the way we speak to each other. That was the end of the conversation.

Then in December we get in an argument about the dog again. I break down and say, "Maybe it's time for us to redefine our relationship to each other." He says, "I thought we already did that in August."

Oh. Oh. So I've just been sleeping next to my ex for three months and he said nothing about making ANY changes to our arrangement because he didn't want to upset me. OKAY??

Yeah, I was a little miffed that he couldn't have been clearer about that, but whatever. I took that opportunity to start moving my stuff into my own room and we spend maybe 2 more nights together before I'm out. It's been about a month since I moved out of his bedroom.

I've been trying to get back into transcription so I can have some money for myself; I need transportation of my own, I need a new phone, I need to be able to buy weed because my body is a broken piece of shit and I can't function without it. However, I don't often have the energy available to me to do two jobs in one day. I can't be a fucking House Elf AND my own medical secretary/advocate AND a dog trainer AND a freelancer (do yall know how hard transcription is?), like, I can't even work one normal job, this is why I'm in this situation.

So I keep trying to tell Jake, hey, I actually do a lot of fucking work, you rely on me a lot more than you'd like to admit, this is starting to be too much. I am not the only one who makes a mess in this house (and he is the one who seems perfectly content to live in filth) and I can no longer stay on top of the monumental amount of crap it is. Literal and figurative, we have four animals in this house. Despite me trying to make him understand, he still think it's fair for me to do 100% of the housework 100% of the time, simply because his salary pays for it all. Because he can cover 100% of our financial costs, he feels he should never have to partake in any of his other responsibilities or choices that he's made. Not his home, not his dog, none of it. That's ALL on me now simply because he is giving me a place to live.

Again, live-in nannies get salaries. This is a real job. Being a chronically ill person with an entire fucking team of medical professionals trying to figure out how to help me is a full-time job. Taking care of an improperly socialized 70-lb hellhound is a full time job. And being Jake's fucking house elf, never seen, never heard, invisible, stuck here all day and only free to go at his fucking behest, IS A FULL FUCKING TIME JOB. I did put my foot down on washing his laundry after I, uh, realized we were broken up, though. Yes, I continued to wash his fucking underwear for THREE MONTHS WHILE WE WERE BROKEN UP, cause I didn't know that. Fuck me.

The other day he pissed me off because he comes home from work, changes his pants, and breezes back out the door immediately to hang out with his friend. they were just going to Goodwill so I was like, "Hey can I tag along? I haven't been out of the house this week yet," (I wish I was fucking kidding that I go days and YES, SOMETIMES WEEKS without leaving this house). He told me no, "I wanted to hang out with my friend." it kinda stung but ok sure you're not obligated to include me, go have fun. But I was still SUPER upset, and I had a bit of a tantrum after he left-- not because he wasn't including me but because I had been working all day, too, and he was the only one who got to leave work and go do something fun. I had to stay home and keep doing what I was doing, cause I had no other choice.

Instead of being bitter about it, I did the grown up thing and I asked him why he feels his depression has been worse lately. I actually got him to open up! For once, it fucking worked! He talked at me for a while and I felt we made some real progress and maybe even had a communication breakthrough of some sort.

Then today, I wake up, first thing's first, in a 7/10 pain. I can barely get out of bed. I have to do 3 sets of stairs to feed my cats in the morning, then another set to get the dog in and outside. Before I even get out of bed, I see this fucking amazing message on FB. TL:DR; "So, I met someone. I agreed to go to (city an hour and a half away from here) all day to hang out and see bands. I'll be back later tonight. I was going to tell you last night but I didn't want to make you sad."

Mother. Fucker. 'I didn't want to make you sad.' Bullshit. He didn't want to have a hard conversation. He didn't want to make himself sad.

We sat next to each other for hours last night. Before I went to bed I said goodnight and he responded with this tone like he was about to cry, like, "Goodnight :(" with an audible sadface. when I asked if he was okay he put on his Customer Service Voice and changed his response to, "Goodnight! :)" I literally asked him directly and he chose to lie to my face about it. "I was gonna tell you" doesn't really cut it here.

It's just like the times he said, "I was gonna clean while you were out of town, but instead I just made a bigger mess and did literally nothing while you were gone." One year I went back home for the holidays and he was feeding the cats their wet food on disposable paper plates. I was gone for a week. When I came home, I found a week's worth of paper plates with cat food strewn about the floor of the house. He hadn't thrown a single one away. For a week. "I was gonna clean," He said to me.

But here's the thing that hurts the fucking most. When we had our breakup conversation, I pointed out that it was clear we had BOTH been unhappy for quite some time. When I asked him why he never said anything, his excuse was, "I don't know why it doesn't feel the same this time around," (I don't know why I'm not into you anymore*) "But I thought maybe it might be my depression, and that if I kept trying, I could learn to love you." I had to explain to him that depression, despite how much it does take, doesn't take away your ability to know if you love someone or not.

He kept me in a loveless relationship that he KNEW he didn't want to be in for THREE. YEARS. because he didn't want to have a couple uncomfortable but necessary and honest conversations. But I can't deny, too, that my labor and attention are things he has benefited heavily from during that time. Everything I do every day. having someone here with the dog while he's gone for 10+ hours every single day. Everything I did for him after he broke his arm, being the only person who could be there for the surgery, spoon feeding him, toweling him off after he took a shower.

Three years.

I also have to wonder; when we met I was very femme, I was about 60lbs thinner, I looked like a cute punky hipster chick. Since I've gotten sick I've gained a ton of weight, and I've also come out as nonbinary and tend to present more neutrally these days. I asked him during our breakup if that was why he wasn't attracted to me anymore and I told him I wouldn't be angry if he said that it was. Instead HE got angry and said he thinks "it's fucked up that I would even think that." Oops, found the bullet hole.

'Maybe I could learn to love you.'

He was my best friend for so long. I used to be able to tell him anything. He used to be reliable. And he still is... To the right people, when he wants to be. I seem to have phased out of that circle at some point. I really thought that he had enough respect for me to tell me the truth. I really thought he knew that my patience and lack of judgement is a resource I have much, much more of than forgiveness.

We could have broken up well over a year ago and redefined ourselves as an unconventional household, re-drawn our boundaries, our responsibilities, and figured this out a LONG time ago, if only he had just told me how he felt. How many opportunities he had. How many times I asked him directly, even, because of course in my gut I could feel that something wasn't right, but he had stopped sharing that kind of thing with me already. Not like when we were just friends. He used to share everything with me. We used to talk for hours and hours every day.

If we had talked about this sooner and broken up much earlier on, I would have still felt hurt, but at least I'd have had so much more time to move on and be less bitter. This? He just... He just let it keep going! He just let it continue and said nothing for THREE YEARS because he was too chickenshit to have one conversation-- and it's not like it would have been an argument, I would never tell someone they can't leave me, I would never fault someone for not feeling the same way about me, because that's just not how feelings work. It hurts that he doesn't, sure, but whatever, that's life. But this??? This was a CHOICE that he made, and continued to make, every single day, for over 1,000 days. Thousands of chances to tell the truth. Thousands of chances to treat me like the confidante I was supposed to be and be honest about his feelings. And instead he obfuscated them, and he lied! there were times he said he 'saw himself with me for the indefinite future.' He let me pour my precious energy and time and everything I fucking have into OUR life together, because I still clung to this ridiculous belief that if I just stuck it out a little longer, he'd come around and start working through this together... That we still had a future together.

He let me believe we had a future together, and he let me operate under that assumption, and he knew he was doing it. All because he didn't wanna have to be uncomfy for a few minutes while we hashed it out. Well, guess what MFer, now you get to sit with your feelings.

bonus drama: during my tantrum earlier I picked up all his garbage he lets sits on the floor (I'm not kidding, he gives empty bottles and cardboard to the dog, who shreds them, and he leaves the shredded garbage on the floor. Just leaves it. Forever. Plastic bags all over everything everywhere. Crumbs, dirty dishes, food packaging.) and a bunch of the dirty dishes he said he 'wanted to clean' while I was gone over the holidays (yes, the dishes in our sink our from LAST YEAR, and yes, that is a reflection on me as well as Jake, but I was out of state, immediately got the flu for over a week, and have just recovered).... and I took them and I put them in his bed.

Then I put some of his (even older than the dishes!) dirty laundry on the couch and chairs so he can't just sit down without acknowledging it's presence. I also put the garbage can in the driveway so he couldn't just pull in. Admittedly that one achieved nothing and was simply me acting out. The other stuff, while passive aggressive, was actually shit he SAID he would clean that he has been ignoring for weeks and weeks, so I simply put it somewhere he can no longer pretend it isn't there. a clear message physically and metaphorically as well, because I am done being soft with him when it comes to responsibility. He is almost 30. But clearly all babying him did was enable his shitty avoidant behavior, so we're changing gears now. (This type of thing is NOT something I normally do. I can be a bitch when I'm angry, but I'd much rather talk, like a person, and reach a conclusion together. He left me no choice in this matter. Well, the choice to not put dirty dishes in his bed? That was mine. The choice to talk? He took that on purpose, to run away from me all day and pretend that nothing is wrong with this shit. No way, boo. Not about to happen.)

And... Now we're here. My friend came by earlier to rescue me and I went and played with her kids for a while, and since Jake got back we haven't spoken. He has tomorrow off from work, too, and I haven't figured out my game plan yet... Probably I'll stay upstairs and try to snag some transcripts. I'm not hiding, I just don't wanna see his fuckin face right now. Cause ofc, despite all the pain and dishonesty and frankly? betrayal, despite knowing (and some part of me knowing all along) that he never felt the same way... of fuckin course, I still love him, still miss him, some part of me hoping still that he will come around and we can fix this, and that he can be my forever home, just like I thought he was.

My friends are cheering the rift because he's been pissing us all off for so long, and they want this to be my opportunity to get away, but even though it is, I'm not celebrating. A few years ago, if this had happened with anyone else, Jake would be the person I'd be leaning on right now. He's the only person I want to talk to about all the shit he's put me through, for some reason, lmfao. And he's the only person who refuses to hear it, obviously, because it's about his mistakes.

Men.

update 2/2 I live with my friend now, oops. I came here to dogsit at the beginning of the weekend not realizing I would have already spent my last night in 'my' house. Jake and I got into a fight over the weekend, really, about him not wanting to tell me things, and not being truthful. (Which he defended by citing the time I asked him "not to tell me everything" -- in reference to the fact that he is already dating. don't tell me about your new gf is what I said.)

I found out two things:

long before the issue w me and my friend, LONG before that, he was apparently already 'fighting' to stay in the relationship and make it work. I know for a fact that I asked him multiple times during that period if he/we were okay and he reassured me that we were and nothing was wrong at all, that he intended to be with me "for the indefinite future," etc. NOW he tells me he was unhappy a long, long time ago. with me, specifically.

(also one time he tried to defend 'processing things internally' on his own. ok fine, but not how that works when they're things that involve me and my quality of life, we process those things together like human people, tyvm.)

After we broke up but not clearly enough, when I was still sleeping in his bed, washing his underwear, telling him how much I loved him, CLEARLY I did not understand our arrangement and we had NO change of boundaries: he was already on tinder.

(He took my outrage at this to mean I wanted him to tell me he was on tinder. Lol, no; I wanted him to tell me to get out of his bed and point out more clearly what the situation was.)

(he also tried to insist that none of that matters now and he's over it. insinuating that i should do the same. l o l not even mere weeks ago he was commiserating w me about a friend having done this same stupid shit to me, 'processing' everything internally, claiming to be over it days later, and insistence on ignoring the whole thing being the 'healthiest' way to 'move on.' Like, almost word-for-word the same shit he was bemoaning very recently. the self-awareness on this one.)

And because of his foolish insistence on strictly adhering to me asking him to not tell me anything, I asked him a few questions directly (like if he was seeing someone now) to which he responded "That's none of your business." He is so bad at lying, I can safely assume this to mean yes. No wonder he's cleared the months-old backlog of laundry completely carpeting his bedroom floor all of a sudden. No wonder he's sure we can't work on things and that he doesn't see us getting back together 'as it stands.'

I mean, even aside from that, this would have been mere weeks or maybe even less after we broke up that he was on tinder, after having been together 3.5 years.

So he really did mislead me; he was dishonest to me about wanting to be together and whether or not he was having reservations, and he was dishonest to me about the nature of our relationship once we broke up, too. Then he was dishonest about having been dishonest.

(in both cases, it pains me to say this, but he materially benefited from my lack of knowledge bc it meant I kept happily working away taking care of his things. He would deny thinking of it that way, but maybe it was subconscious. Idk)

I had a breakdown the other day bc I thought the whole thing was my fault, that I could have fixed it, I was feeling literally sick with guilt, I told him all of this. He let me believe this for days before I found out he'd already had his mind made up months before the breakup. And all this time, since August of last year, I had been thinking the breakup was because of me and what I was going through, when he literally had the responsibility to do it long before and just didn't bc he "didn't want to disappoint me." Consciously or not, he let me and my friend be scapegoats so he wouldn't have to be, as he put it, "the bad guy." If he had told me sooner I would have been so much better prepared and so much more thankful to know the truth.

I honestly can't believe him. Especially after how broken up and traumatized he was about his ex directly before me having cheated on him!! (I wonder if he was emotionally unavailable with her, too?) Like, yes, technically what he did wasn't cheating... But he was really letting me go around laying next to him topless everynight (we never had sex but the vulnerability, yknow?), washing his fckn underwear, clearly believing we were together bc who the fuck has that kind of lack of boundaries if you arent? and all the while he was already looking for someone to replace me with. It was sleazy regardless and NOT how you fucking treat """"A Friend"""" or someone whose feelings you care about. I really wonder how long he would have let me stay in that bed if I hadn't picked the fight that brought it out in the open.

you think you fucking know a guy.

and now I'm really looking at like, some of the stories he's told me about other exes or interactions w girls that he's had, the relationships he keeps with women... all of that looks just a little different to me right now and I'm just sus.

He really was like, insisting on being friends and being able to see each other around and stuff (which I can't rn) and now it makes sense. He wanted reassurance that things were already smoothed over so he can just move on with his new life and not feel bad, bc he's "tired of feeling guilty."

the NERVE of this mfer. well anyway now he has to take his own fckn dog outside.

aaaand I have moved into my friends' house... it sucks bc now her kids dont have the toy room, but they barely used it anyway. but it's weird, always, the first night in a new place with none of your stuff, and my cats aren't here, and won't be for a long time... now we gotta worry about legal stuff to find a house that'll accommodate us all. and if I want my 1 cat here we have to somehow cat-proof the crawlspaces. yeeesh.

but at least i am safe for the time being and miraculously did not cry today. we've got so much to do tomorrow now ughghhhh. and i have literally no money and neither do they lmao. i'll be able to help out and itll be a big help w the kids for me to be around, but this is gonna be rough on all of us.

---

tl;dr my ex kept me in a loveless relationship for over 3 years so I would take care of his house and his dog for him, and so he wouldn't have to have a tough conversation. He was on tinder before I even stopped sleeping in his bed, when I didn't know we were already broken up. I very suddenly had to move into my friend's house after 3 years of stable housing, the first time I'd had that in almost 8 years.

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i need to vent :(

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