i like to watch my videos on 1.5x

to the toddler: we do not bite the dog!!

to the toddler: look you can't just stick your fingers into people's mouths whenever you want ok

to the toddler: toothbrushes are for our mouths, not our ears

"I wouldn't eat that if I were you. There's a crayon in it."

"Is he eating a cork??"

my aunt said it, but: "get your fingers out of the maple syrup!!!"

(handing my mom a lizard) "I have to go pee but I don't trust this"

"Very good and saucy"

"you're not a fan of the glants, huh?"

lmfao i've never said weirder phrases than since becoming a parent

me, to the four year old: "big bird was taken for a ride to the dog run - there is no poop, no pee, nor a hole torn - i just want you to know that he now smells of drool and requires a bath.. so.. yknow..... moral of the story, quit leaving your toys in the dogs reach, now here's elmo for the time being"